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    CRAZY_KAT_1984   28,357
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A whole new level!


Thursday, January 03, 2013

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I did it! I reached Level 14! My progress on here was kind of slow, because I slacked off on here frequently for the first few years...some of my excuses were good, some of them not. However, an excuse is just an excuse for not trying harder! A reason, such as injury, is different. Of course, you should try to reduce your risk-I digress.
As some of you may know, I am dealing with depression. I have taken, what I consider, to be a violently proactive defense. I am a realist, but I have taken to the practice of refusing to dwell on the negative & only considering the positive. Any of you who have spent a week or more languishing about the bad in your life/the world will understand what I mean. For me, I have been dealing for about 19 of my 28 years. If you spend too long in the darkness, you will claw your way to the light. I don't know, I think its the human spirit/fight for survival and all that jazz...So, I deal by refusing to waste any more time focusing on the negative, being overly conscience of my thoughts and refusing the negative. Furthermore, why not?! Is life not more enjoyable by focusing on the positive? Whoa, whoa-almost broke into sermon there, let me climb down off the soapbox before I fall emoticon
Anyway, my uncle has been dying from colon cancer for a year and half or so now. He was underage for a routine colonoscopy, as well as lacking in symptoms, until it had metastasized and caused problems with his brain. Then, he discovered he had a genetic marker that made 90% of chemotherapy ineffective. Save, of course, the ones with the harshest side effects...He's spent over a year battling, but his liver is over 95% cancer and is his last round [of chemo] nearly killed him via liver failure. *I suppose here I insert that from all the testing we found that this is NOT a genetic cancer and was most likely caused by environmental factors. It matters some to me for screening purposes, but he's still dying emoticon Anyway, he's only 47, and its been rough on the whole family. Well, I found out late yesterday that they're discontinuing chemotherapy, there's no other treatment options, and we're having a "celebration of life" party Sunday to say goodbye. I imagine with his liver failing, he'll die sooner rather than later. This is my mom's youngest brother, and it makes me sad to think that he'll be gone...I'm sure its harder on her. its sad but we new it was coming when they diagnosed him. Or at least, I did, because it had already spread before they found it...I feel like I've been dealing with death most of my life, so to me, I feel its a part of life. I really feel loss here, though, because I was pretty close with him.
More to my point, last night I went to work with this on my mind. My coworkers asked me the courteous, "how are you?' I always think before I reply, but tonight, I said, "Good." Even though, he is going earlier than I think he should, I am exceeding my fitness minutes and calories burned goals. I have lost 25 pounds and will lose more this year. It all depends on how much strength I can muster over what goes in my mouth. I'm in control. I really feel like I've embraced my new lifestyle, I love my FitBit in so many ways, and my life is improving. Sure, I still have hours, maybe even a day when feel that deep, dark, painful sadness, but it is so much a relief and improvement to not feel it for weeks any more. You know how I found it? Exercise. A good sweat makes it all better emoticon
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1STATEOFDENIAL 1/3/2013 12:49PM

    My condolences to you and your family. Looking to the positive, you can say it's a good thing you get to tell him goodbye and celebrate his life while he's still around. It doesn't make losing him okay in any sense, but some find it easier to prepare for it than to be blindsided.

Don't forget that every person feels sadness and moments of depression now and again. It's part of the human experience. If we don't feel pain, sadness, loss, anger, etc then the happiness and joy wouldn't feel as good. The problem comes when the depression takes over and uses up our lives. Finding a way out of the long-term depression and to only a few moments/days is doing pretty good. It's something I've been working on as well, in spite of my family. I hope for both of us the worst of it is over and we can find a happiness we never knew previously.

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