Thursday, January 03, 2013
Thus far, my journey has consisted of writing a blog, downloading the SP app, and posting on a few blogs. It hasn't yet touched my eating or physical exertion (or lack there of). But while striving to do better, I am going to be happy with any baby steps that I make.
While leaving a comment on a blog, I had kind of a revelation about my journey. I think for a long time I've felt guilty. I was doing so well. I had lost 90 pounds, I had virtually cut out fast food and processed food. I had given up caffeine, and rarely drank soda. I had exercised religiously an hour a day 6 days a week.
And then I fell in love, and my Mom got cancer, and life got crazy. I slipped a bit, my eating took a hit, as I constantly running around, and I didn't always have time to exercise. And I gained 8 pounds. And then I found out I was pregnant. At age 36, after trying for 12 years in my previous marriage. I was unexpectedly pregnant by my boyfriend of 5 months.
That time is such a blur of Mom's chemo and hospitalizations, morning sickness and exhaustion, quickie wedding, Mom's liver transplant, and then My daughter was here. I gained 39 pounds in my pregnancy, and quickly lost about 20 of it. But then Mom moved out of state. I would take the baby to work with my during the day after only 2 weeks , and hubby worked nights, so I was alone with the baby all night.
And I started eating a lot. with all the hormone changes, lack of sleep and being alone so much. I never did add any exercise back in, and my eating habits progressive got worse and worse. I gained back the 20 pounds that I lost postpartum, in just a few months, and over the next year I added another 20 to them.
I've been beating myself up for along time for getting so off track, for gaining so much weight, for going back to my unhealthy habits.
But today, when I was reminding someone else that it's not about the destination, but the journey, and that sometimes you go off on tangents or even get lost and that's OK, because you are still on the journey.
And suddenly I realized that I've been beating myself up for so long, over something that I wouldn't change for anything. My daughter, my little miracle, is worth EVERY ONE OF THOSE 60 POUNDS. She'd be worth 100.
Yeah, I could be at my goal weight right now. So what??
So it was easier back then, I had time to exercise, I had time to cook, I had money for healthy food. Those small "pluses" are so immeasurably insignificant compared to my family.