Thursday, January 03, 2013
Yesterday I allowed the worries of my life weigh on my shoulders. I cried at every turn. This is a hard thing to deal with when you are at work and trying to NOT have your heart out in the open. I did not succeed in hiding my pain & worry. I am the strong one, always laughing and smiling. I get down, but never have I shown it until yesterday.
I completed my work early and told my boss I was leaving early. When he asked if everything was okay, I lost it. Shook my head no and left the room in tears. He called to me and told me not to be like that, to tell him what he could do to help. I told him I couldn't help the way I was feeling & I just had to leave.
He text me & did not wait for my reply & called me. It was hurting him to know I was so upset. I told him that it had nothing to do with work. I just had lots on my mind and was stressed about lots of other things in my life. I told me he couldn't stand it, he wanted to help. I just asked him to pray for my daughter and started crying again. He begged me to meet him for lunch and we could talk. I thanked him, but told him no & that I would just cry. I told him that I would be fine. He knows I have a long drive home and was really worried about me driving over the mountain in my stressed state of mind. I assured him that I would be fine and we said goodbye.
I cried nearly all the way home. You know that heavy kind of deep out of the soul cry. I haven't done that in years. The stress was coming out in my tears. As soon as I got home, I got in a hot shower and let the tears flow. My son was in the living room playing his guitar so I tried to muffle the cry with my towel and let it all out. My body shook & I cried more than I have in so many years. Lots of pain & worry flowed in my tears. I prayed a mournful prayer as I cried. I told God that His word promises that He will not lay more on us than we can bare and I was there, I could bare no more. I cleaned up, wiped my tears, put on my jammies and went to bed. I laid there about 5 minutes & cried & prayed a bit more. Then with the mighty hand of God, my tears stopped. I felt His arms around me. A great warm hug of love & understanding. I smiled & got back up.
The troubles are still there. I know that. But I gave them to God. He will handle all of my troubles today.
He knows my heart. It gives me comfort to know that I do not have to face these worries alone.
I have prayed that I will accept His will & that he will be with my family through this tough time.
Some will call this mushy ignorance. We all have different ways of finding comfort. This is mine.
We must share the power in the spirit or our faith will fail us.
Thanks for letting me get it out.
I am much better today.
I am still struggling, but I am holding to God's unchanging hand as I struggle along.