I spent most of the day thinking. Wednesday 1/2/ 13 was the 5th anniversary of the heart attack that lead to my mother's passing. It made me think about the last time I felt in shape and fit. Which was before mom passed. I have come to the conclusion that my weight gain has partially been because I find comfort in food. Come to think of it, most of my best memories are of me and my mom cooking. No one else in my family enjoyed cooking. It was one of our bonding rituals. Unfortunately food is a constant in my life. I feel like I can rely on it.

But... I need to change my attitude about food. I know it is not a healthy way to feel about food. I am not happy at this weight. I hate the dependence I have on food. But I'm not sure how to make myself feel happy without it. I keep trying to tell myself food is not love. I wish I could believe that.

Sorry to be such a bummer... This is definitely something I need to work on