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    STEELKICKIN   33,882
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Husband For Sale

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

It all started with the Steelers/Bengals game December 23. That all important game that would determine if the Steelers were still "in the hunt" for the AFC playoffs that could ultimately take them to the Super Bowl in the new year. Being married to a Bengals fan has never been easy. They are a different breed all of their own. My husband is a different breed all of his own. So combine the two and you get a really-weird-psycho-mix of, well, psycho.

The Bengals won. As I sat there in silence, blinking, Brian was dancing in circles around me, eyes wide with wonder and amazement, churning his hips and pumping his fists around me and his own head. Then he began rapping. "Who dey? Yeah, who DEY! Dey is da team that won TOO-DAY!" Then, as he folded his arms across his chest and allowed his swiveling butt to come to a standstill he drove it home with an Austin Powers imitation of, "YEEEAH, Bay-beee."

I didn't like him anymore. He didn't get dinner that day.

He had the whole week off from work and by yesterday I didn't trust myself near him with sharp objects, flammable products or matches. He was just absolutely wound for sound during this time and by day three I was hiding in the bathroom with the phone. I called his parents, begging them to call to invite him over for the day. They suspiciously asked me why and the conversations ended with, "No, honey, sorry. We love you but not that much. We don't have enough nerve pills to last us for the day."

I couldn't go to the bathroom alone. He would actually text me while I was taking a bath with things like, "I see you through the key hole" or "Been awhile since I've seen THAT mole." Or when I was on the toilet I would see a note pass under the door. I knew he was purposefully being annoying. The joy in his eyes when I would groan or stare at him in bewilderment was more than I could bear at times. The days wore on. I was hoping the "next day" would bring calm. It only got worse.

Then he saw my winter hiking blogs.

"Who wants to see pictures of snow???"
"It's not just pics of snow. It's my HIKE."
"No. It's snow. No one wants to see them."
"How do YOU know what people want to see?"
"Well, I know they don't wanna see snow. Have you considered the fact that you are NOT a photographer. You should have AT LEAST tried to capture a bird or a deer or sumthun."
"Bite me. It's a weight loss site. No one wants to see birds or deer. They want to hear about hiking, running, exercise..."
"Post my motorcycle paintings."
"I bet if you posted my motorcycle paintings you'd get a lot of hits."
"I bet if you don't knock it off YOU'RE gonna get alot of hits."

One day he walked into the bathroom while I was applying my wrinkle cream.
"You still using that???"
"I've used it for fifteen years, Brian. You know that."
"When's it supposed to kick in?"
Then the next evening I walked in on him and he was dabbing it onto his bald spot. I noted white stuff in his nose and saw my tube of depilatory cream on the stand. I slowly backed out of the room.

The night before last I had enough. I love him. Everyone knows that. Right? But the spells, prayers and burning of incense didn't have any affect on his hyperness or pranks. I was getting his medications ready and I caught the Benadryl out of the corner of my eye. Yes. I did. Two of them. (Oh, shut up, they give it to BABIES.) A half hour after taking his pills he looked over at me all dreamy-eyed and said he was suddenly sleepy. Ten minutes later he was out like a light. I looked at his face, mouth gaping wide, and felt guilty for a few minutes. He was so quiet and serene. Then I dragged him by his ankles to the bed and covered him with the blankets lovingly and snugly. VERY snugly. I held the remote to the television closely to my chest the rest of the evening. It was mine. Kinda like how squirrels act with their nuts.

DON'T judge me...

He went back to work today. I go back tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

I love him. But I love to miss him sometimes, too.

I wish you all a very wonderful and amazing 2013. I would like to share with you all a message I received from touched me and resonated with truth and honesty. We can wish for perfection this coming year but it is not humanly possible. So remember...with imperfection can come growth.

"I hope that in the year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing the world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're DOING SOMETHING.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes, make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

- Neil Gaiman

BTW, send inquiries for Brian through my SparkMail. My prices are pretty reasonable.

God bless. You are loved.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BEAR8MM 1/21/2013 9:38AM

    Benadryl, huh? Somebody told me once the difference between girls and women. When girls go crazy, they show their tits. When women go crazy, they poison their husbands. Jus' sayin'! Luv ya!

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SPARKONSKATES 1/20/2013 8:12PM

    Oh this is funny... your too much !! I freakin love it.
Great blog.
You rock sparkfriend !!
So glad I ran into your page today because your the MOD !!
You shead some light on a few things I needed to hear too, emoticon
Your a real sharp blogger

Michaele sounds like Michelle
Happy 2013 to you !!

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MY_YEAR_OF_ME 1/20/2013 4:56PM

    Try being with a Brown's fan..ugh. Benadryl...wish i had thought of that..thanks for the laugh

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JOYFULSPIRIT920 1/15/2013 12:46PM

    Its rough being a Steelers fan in Bengals country, I know only too well.
Hang tough. We'll get 'em next year!

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GETTINGFIT4HIM 1/14/2013 3:19AM

  Well, you already know I'm a Packers fan (and yes, YOU DO still love me ha!) but my husband is a Steelers fan and when they aren't playing, also a Whiner's, I mean Niners fan so I get the pain DOUBLE!! While I know it will pain you to hear it, I must say I was THRILLED when the Packers beat his beloved Steelers in the Super Bowl, only to make him eat all the crow he has given me over the years. So I share your pain of being married to those who don't know better than to root for the correct team. LOL! My DH can be fairly obnoxious himself so I share your pain, too. Maybe we can put them up for sale as a two for one special!! emoticon

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SAMMIESMOM13 1/12/2013 5:07PM

    Thank you SO MUCH for such a funny blog. I'm SO GLAD I am not married to a sports fan. I could NOT stand it! But then, I made sure of that before I married him! LOL.

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BKNOCK 1/11/2013 9:34PM

    Wow, I finally read this! Thank you so much for the laugh!

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SHARON10002 1/4/2013 11:57PM

    Michelle, just one question . . .
How many years until retirement?!
Look at it as practice . . .
emoticon emoticon

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AJDOVER1 1/3/2013 2:14PM

    Wanna trade? My guy is a Raider's fan (remember Week 3).

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IAM_HIS2 1/3/2013 9:14AM

    Laughed so hard reading this. Thank you for this blog. It got in a playful mood. emoticon

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TRIANGLE-WOMAN 1/3/2013 8:37AM


Looks like your sales offer is well on it's way to passing the comments left for your hike!

Maybe you are on to something... emoticon

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CELESTE_B 1/3/2013 6:39AM

    Oh boy! I so feel your pain...and really enjoyed reading your blog. It's amazing to me how we can love them so much in one minute and want to torture the crap out of them the next. It's almost like a roller coaster.

It's refreshing to know that I'm not alone and I think I'm halfway normal,

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KING_SLAYER 1/3/2013 2:13AM

    Benadryl, so much easier to use than chloroform! Great blog :)

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BRADMILL2922 1/3/2013 1:50AM

    You're funny, but that isn't anything new! I've told you that 100 times and its true every time. I've also say that I love you and your blogs, but again, nothing new there either. There is no exception here either...I love you and your blog!

You always manage to run a gamet of emotions through your stories. There are the funny parts, then the heart felt stuff, followed by joy, frustration, sarcastic, funny...I could go on and on. But as funny as your story is, I see the under lying story shinning through to the fore front. This blog is a true love story 20+ years in the making! All that aggravation and extra energy is really from true love and how great is that?

That is the fun stuff. That is the memories that you will always have with you even in times that aren't as joyous. That stuff is priceless and ever lasting in your love for one another. That, is life.

He is a lucky husband and you a lucky wife to have found the other to have such moments with and that is a true blessing...even if he is a Bungles fan ;)


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SPUNKYDUCKY 1/3/2013 12:03AM

    Thank you for the LOL giggling that I have been doing for the past several minutes since reading your blog...truly more a guffaw, than a giggle! You are awesomeness!

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SNOWSNAKE 1/2/2013 9:37PM

    I can hardly see the keyboard to type my responce, nor type fast enough to let you know that this is one of the most enertaining, true to life, spontaneous and moving "Love Stories" that I have heard in a long time! I do believe that you and your man have mastered your relationship in the best ways possible....there is so much playfulness, mindfulness, creativeness, stubborness, give and take....and absolutely nothing boring about your L O V E. Thank you for making my day, I see so much in common in my own marriage, particularly the "tongue in cheek" kidding and teasing, without being hurtful. You both have your hands full, and it will NEVER be boring! Cheers for the New Year! ***SNOW*** emoticon

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GEEMAWEST 1/2/2013 9:28PM

    OMG! You couldn't pay me enough to take him off your hands. Sorry girlfriend, you're stuck with him!

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CARTOONB 1/2/2013 9:18PM

    How much are you offering to give me to take him? emoticon

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STEVIEBEE569 1/2/2013 8:21PM


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ARUNNINGKAT 1/2/2013 7:29PM

    What is it about guys who need attention??? My husband can be downright annoying sometimes too - all in his pursuit of attention! I sometimes tell him he is a kid who never quite grew up. But as much as it frustrates me, I am pretty sure I would miss it if he suddenly stopped. emoticon

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WALLAHALLA 1/2/2013 7:29PM

    Cowboys lost. I just shut my mouth and hid for twelve hours 'til the rage had subsided. I haven't tried Benadryl , but I have been guilty of Nyquil. emoticon I can't imagine what it will be like when we are both retired.

Please share more snow pics!!! We have none, so I am stuck living vicariously through others. emoticon

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JADOMB 1/2/2013 7:14PM

    If mistakes make a bigger man, then I should be a GIANT by now.

As far as your husband goes, you best ask for a very high price and expect NO takers. Cuz he sounds priceless to me. You got a good man, even when sedated.

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DOVESEYES 1/2/2013 6:59PM

    Oh you poor thing but I loved this blog thanks emoticon

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KONRAD695 1/2/2013 5:42PM


I'm from Michigan, we have the LIONS. You're going to have to suck it up a little. Your boys will be back in around 32 weeks. Mine will still be "RE-ReBuilding"

Does the benadryl make him snore? I think it might be my wife's problem.

If you post some pics of your husband washing dishes, clothing, or windows you might get some higher priced bids. If that doesn't work, try the snowblower. Just trying to help.

On the serious side. I love your writing, and this blog. May all your mistakes be little, and your successes be big.

Comment edited on: 1/2/2013 5:43:17 PM

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KIMCOLLINGS 1/2/2013 5:39PM

    Oh my goodness...that was so funny. when I got to the part about the wrinkle cream I literally LOL'ed.

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ALWYS-LKN-UP 1/2/2013 5:32PM

    OK, the Austin Powers thing would've been the 'that's it' point! Too funny! Best wishes in 2013!

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LMB-ESQ 1/2/2013 5:07PM


I think I'm meaner than you are emoticon

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HOBOCHICK1 1/2/2013 5:06PM

    Thank you !! Most enjoyable blog !!! You are a VERY talented writer !!

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_MOBII_ 1/2/2013 5:04PM

    Great blog, I am not sure how many offers you will get for him though!

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