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    RACH2THESMY   10,919
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2013


Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Well, welcome to a new year. Like many of you, I am struggling with getting back on the health wagon. Last year started really well but, like usual, it got away from me. There was some stress (surprise, surprise) and then I got sick (surprise, surprise) and then I did that thing where I let one pound gained turn into 3, then 5, until the end of the year. In 2012 I started put weighing 150 lbs. I ended weighing 155 lbs.

There are always excuses. Like I said, I was stressed and sick early in the year. After that I just kind of lost my drive and then tried to find it and then started this desperate internal battle that just made me feel worse and worse. In October I got engaged and I told myself, again, that I was going to lose that weight. I started... then flopped. Then it was Thanksgiving. Then it was the Christmas season. Work party, two big family parties, and then the icing on the cake... FOUR CHRISTMAS'S IN TWO DAYS. On Christmas Eve I was expected to eat two dinners and two desserts. On Christmas I was expected to eat appetizers, dinner, and two desserts. AND by the time Christmas was done and me and the fiance were back at home I needed a drink... Or four.

Excuses are like *ssholes. Everybody has one.

I have high hopes for this year. I don't want to look like this for my wedding. I know it's not a lot but I can tell. I feel so tired and worn out. I feel so gross and ugly. I don't want to leave the house for the most part and I hate all of my clothes and I even got to the point towards the end of the year where I didn't want to get dress (bc everything was too tight) and started wearing baggy shirts (to hide my stomach) and didn't want to dye my hair or pluck my eyebrows.

I have weighed 180 lbs and I have weighed 105 lbs. I just want to settle down at 136, which will put me right into the healthy BMI. But it's not just that. I realize that my problems are not all about my weight. I have to make myself feel better. Losing weight and getting healthy is a great foundation but it's more than that. It's about pushing myself to do the things I love and am passionate about and it is about loving myself.

Here's to a new year! May it be better than the last!
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