Wednesday, January 02, 2013
I stepped on the scale this morning, the pep talk reel already rolling in my head. "It's just a number, it's no big deal if it goes up. As long as you're following your plan you're heading in the right direction."
I hadn't weighed in since Christmas morning and that was on the scale at my parents' house that seems to include a built-in confidence boost by shaving off a pound or two from what I believe to be accurate. So I was pretty sure the number on my scale this morning wouldn't send me bounding around the room in fits of spazzy-dancing joy. Despite hitting 10,000 steps on my fitbit nearly every day of the last week and doing a few good runs while I was in Florida, some part of me knew it wasn't quite enough. Enough for building momentum and changing some habits sure, but not enough for an instant weight loss success story.
Sure enough, the number flashing on the screen was not what I wanted it to be. And this is what I've been worried about. Not the number exactly, but that inevitable moment when the scale (temporarily) goes in the opposite direction. That moment that, in the past, has triggered the hopeless feeling of "I can't do this". "Why bother when it's not working?" "I'll always be fat" "This is impossible" And on and on. Or I'd spin the other direction and pound myself at the gym, trying to right the perceived wrong.
I've been worried that I wouldn't be able to handle even such a minor setback. And I admit, I'm disappointed. I have the urge to check my calendar to see if I'm PMSing, blame it on retaining water, or a dozen other scrambling excuses. But excuses aren't going to help. Neither is beating myself up or exercising to the point of exhaustion. What WILL help is asking myself if I've been following my plan. And the answer is sort of. I've been hitting my calorie goals most days, but I'm not sure I'm doing it in a purposeful, healthy way: tabulating at the end of the day to find that by happy accident, that extra cookie didn't put me over but I hadn't had a single fruit or vegetable all day.
So that's where I am this morning: breathing my way through a potential setback and trying to do better, not for the number on the scale, but for the whole healthy package.