I'm sure there were LOTs of things going on in my weird little psyche yesterday, but the end result was beginning an off the record books binge. I might try to reconstruct it after the fact just to see how bad it was, but Spark doesn't like me saying I ate the whole set of ingredients at times. Bottom line, I kind of went off the deep end.
What did I do before it started? Well, to start with, I woke up ravenously hungry, which might be an indication of consistent UNDER eating for the exercise levels I've been putting in. I hadn't been conscious of being hungry on the active days, but yesterday morning? O... M... G!
So I ate breakfast early, which moved all the meals a bit earlier. By 11 a.m. I was already starting in on lunch and ended up going nuts.
What was going on around me? Very cold day. Dusting of snow. I went out with the broom, not the shovel, to clear the surfaces I needed to. Stayed out a bit too long and fingers were really feeling the effects when I got back in.
How about mentally / emotionally? That's always the ticket, isn't it?
Since 2012 was such a good year? Complacency and fear were both creeping in. And then I went and looked up starting weights on my calendars for the past years... something I kind of do, first of each new year. And I think it increased the fear factor. Why? Well, take a peek, this is what it looked like, examining only first of the year numbers.
2004: 179 (I got divorced in 2003, my son had me working out with him)
2007: 165 (Son, his girlfriend and I joined a gym together in early 2006 - late in that year I got down to 138.5, which scared the crap out of me, when my sister lamented she wasn't the skinny sister any more... and I started to regain, following a trip over the dog and it starting to hurt to exercise, resulting in...)
2008: 150.4 (it looks lower, but in fact, I was in the midst of a regain)
2009: 192 (continued to gain a bit through May, when I started my current effort to get back to where I got to in 2007... I wanted to be fit again... really badly)
2010: 148.8 (I declared myself in maintenance, but continued to lose through October. I called my maintenance beginning August, but when I declared my goal range it was...)
2012: 127 (Most of the year maintained, but had a really rocky Holiday season in November and December... you've seen how 2012 was such a great athletic year, got rid of the rest)
120 on the first of the year. Scary number. This is less than I weighed going into college. This is less than I was in high school. And it's been 3 New Year's days with a starting weight in the 120's.
Why is a "good" number scary? Emotional question. I like living fit. I like me at this weight. But looking at history... to maintain this weight I have to be watching it... all year long. And the rebel in me was coming out, just looking at those statistics.
Bottom line, I let the monster loose, resulting in a lovely sleep during the football game (good game to sleep through)... and feeling full this morning, still. Going to force a healthy breakfast, though. Because experience has taught me that trying to overly restrict the day after such an episode only prolongs the cycle.
So today, practicing the self-compassion that is so much a part of successful maintenance. We all have days. Today, I'm treating me gently.
Because life *IS* good. Spark on!