Why I'm Here
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Ok... So I'm not the best at blogging, but I'm sure that mines is a story a lot like other people. I am 32 years old and I've been married to my husband for 9 years. We have two kids (ages 9 and 2) and I've recently been let go from my job of eight years. I've dealt with my weight all my life. I've never been crazy out of control over weight when I was younger, but I had never been thin either.
At my most comfortable I was 145 pounds.... keep in mind I'm only five feet four inches. I loved my body though at that weight. I was curvy, strong, but not too thin. I was also about eighteen years old.
Fast forward to the age of 22. I was just married and became a mommy to my son. Anyone knows all to well how the love pounds come on before the baby weight. At least that was the case for me. At the time of \my son's delivery, I weighed in at a whopping 232 lbs. I only dropped about ten lbs afterwards. I'd stayed that weight for over two years. Then a girlfriend at work introduced me to diet pills. Phentermine being our favorite. That can get pricey though as I began to pay $60 every two weeks for a two week supply. Then we began to use other ephedra based diet pills.
These pill helped to drop me down to about 210 ( what I currently am now). Over time I yo-yo'd with different pills and I hung around at the 200 lb mark. Then one summer about six years ago, my husband and I got gym memberships. I was awesome at it. I worked the day shift (in a hospital) and going to the gym was easy. I'd get off at the same time as my husband and we'd pick our lil guy up from daycare and hit the gym for an hour. I was taking lunch to work and working out got me down to 179.
I felt great. I was careful with how I ate and dedicated to the gym. Until I went to night shift. Anyone who works at a place that's a 24/7 facility knows how night shifters eat. So I'm working at night, a full time mom during the day, going on lil sleep, and throw in poor eating habits, as quick and easy was my method of choice once sleep deprivation set in. I ballooned back over the 200 mark.
My weight got up to 210 again. Then, I opted to have my second (and final) child. She was born two years ago this March. I never breast fed, and I returned from maternity leave to my graveyard shift. So the bad pattern only got worse as I was running on even less sleep. I went back on phentermine. It took me down to 200 lbs but that's where I stood up until I stopped working six months ago and could no longer afford the habit.
Now, here I am at 210, AGAIN. I've downloaded Spark before on my phone but truth be told, I'm not one to hold myself accountable to apps on a phone.
I figured it's a brand new year, and I'm sick of being like this. Being overweight costs me so much. I have no joy. I lack confidence and self esteem. Clothes are a bitch to find and shopping is a depressing hassle for me. I lack confidence in how I look to my husband when we're intimate. Granted, my husband makes me feel desired and beautiful, but he's the type that can cut back on food and jog a couple times a week when he needs to and voila! Twenty pounds down for him. Plus, I'm the heaviest woman he's ever been with, and even though he doesn't make me feel bad, he doesn't have to, I tear myself down on my own. Going out in public gives me anxiety as I feel self conscious about my appearance and tug at my shirts. Being overweight has truly sucked the joy out of my life and I'm tired of living like I'm just existing and not living a full and happy life.
There are no victims with stuff like this, just volunteers. I'm tired of volunteering to let my weight issues control my happiness and dictate the quality of life I have. I'm tired of being told "but you have such a pretty face." I wanna knock em dead God damn it! So here I go. I know I'm going to have set backs, if this were easy, I'd have done it a long time ago, but this time I'm going to really utilize what is out there. My time is now... It's time I took control of my life.