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    JILLYBEAN25   24,030
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A New Year & So Many Changes

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Well, it's January 1st. I came under my goal for fitness minutes, although the reality is I probably met them with my move. It was only about 300-some-odd that I was under, which would have easily been covered in the whole day of moving. That's like, what... 5-6 hours? Yeah, I started at 7am and didn't sit down until the drive home at 8pm, then unloaded the entire 14' UHaul when we got home at about 11pm. More than enough. I just don't care to track it.

I have yet to fully settle and unpack. I've either lacked motivation, muscle, or have slipped into a depression of sorts. I'm thinking it may be a combo of them. I did have a day where I didn't get out of bed all day- no shower, no brushing teeth, no nothing- just a few bathroom trips and a kitchen trip or two. I'm just already unhappy here. I'm glad I'm with my family and I care deeply about them and I know they need me here, but I'm sad that I'm not in San Diego, living the life I want to live. Doing the things I want to do. Having access to all sorts of products, businesses, activity, etc. I feel suffocated and confined here. And I have to just deal with it for the next few years.

That's not to say I want to let myself wallow in this muck and icky feelings while I'm here. I'm trying to put together a plan, however tentative, short-sighted, basic, vague, whatever it is. I'm waitlisted, still, for that stats class. I really hope I get it. I'm considering taking a Photoshop class because this computer will not support my previous photo editing program. That will definitely make it hard to continue with my food blog. Which I want to continue doing. Which will also mean doing a major kitchen overhaul in this house. I want to get a job. Somewhere. Anywhere. I want to get a car. I want to either join a gym, take a fitness class somewhere, or something! I haven't heard of anyone doing any boxing training in this tiny part of the world, which is something I've always wanted to do (just the training, not the sparring). It's too late now, but in summer I want to re-enroll in ballet and/or tap dance. And I want to go back to my old community choir. So, I've got things in mind to keep me busy and from completely falling off my rocker. Just need to implement these things.

There are several things that need to be done around this house, too. Everyone needs to get used to having more personal responsibility with the things that happen here. I know it needs to be done and will take some time to do. Just need to do it. Maybe formulate a plan for that, too.

I'm turning 30 on January 6th. Ordinarily birthdays don't bother me. I don't talk about them much. I don't care if my birthday gets celebrated or not. I don't care if I get presents for my birthday or not (usually I prefer NOT to get things!) This time, though... I just feel awful. Not that I'm turning 30. It's that I've lived 3 decades and I thought I'd be further along in my life than I am. I mean, I gotta say... it feels really terrible to be turning 30 and to have moved back in with my parents. To still be in school. To be single. To not have a job or a car. To not be independent. At 30!!! I expect those things in my 20's, but I definitely did not expect them in my 30's. I feel like a failure or a loser or somehow defective. I see people I went to school with who are exactly where I thought I'd be (maybe not the same job, but the same station or level or whatever). Living their lives, working at good jobs, and doing all the things I want to do, like travel because their job allows them to afford it. And to not live with their parents. I just don't feel like I've accomplished much, hardly anything I wanted to, before I turned 30. It feels low.

So. Here I am. Hoping to just make the most of things for the next chunk of life. We'll see.

As I previously stated, I can't do any photo editing, so this was all done on my phone, which is why it appears a bit pixelated. But, maybe you can see a difference in me? It definitely wouldn't have happened without Spark.

We always have family portraits taken at Christmas. I hope Christmas 2013 sees even more of a difference!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARUNNINGKAT 1/3/2013 12:08PM

    Jill, you are looking amazing! I see a huge difference! I am so sorry you are feeling down. Sometimes life doesn't take the path you imagine, but in the end it all works out. It sounds like you have some great plans to put into motion. From my own experience getting a job will really help. It helps to get out and interact with people and have a schedule. I really struggled for awhile with depression and loneliness when I first moved to our very small town. I can't tell you what a difference it made for me to get a job at a local coffee shop. Good luck, girl! We are here for you! emoticon

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BEFIT_WITHGUSTO 1/3/2013 10:59AM

    I am sorry you are feeling down, Jill, but it's awesome that you are aware of what's going on and are not going to let yourself wallow! All of your plans sound fantastic. It's a different life than you were expecting to be living, but it's your life and you just have to make it the best life possible! I am also having a hard time with comparing my life to others and I know I need to knock it off! :)

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ERINBELLOWS1978 1/3/2013 1:17AM

    Oh Jill honnie you will find your groove! I remeber when you were inbetween places, going to school and working...you were a hot mess remember?? LOL It only took you a little while to find your groove and then your life became magical to me! I was so jealous of your life - Living so close to the beach, your garden, friends a plenty...honnie it will get easier I promise. And EVERYTHING happens for a reason. You will find it there. You are a smart, talented, beautiful woman who can DO anything! Wallow another day or two about turning 30, I did, and then you put on a cute outfit, do your hair and face and go tackle your town girl! YOu got this! I'm here for you my dear...here and FB! MUAH! Hugs from SD!

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JSALERNO 1/2/2013 6:01AM

    emoticon

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ABB698 1/2/2013 1:53AM

    Sorry to hear you're going through so much emotional turmoil at the moment, but like Malia said, you are where you need to be right now and it sounds like you are taking steps to make things the way they'd benefit everyone, including you. Give it some time, I'm sure you will find your niche and hopefully even a fitness buddy to keep you motivated. Hang in there, 30 is what you make it, so go get em girlie!! ;)

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SLIMMERJESSE 1/2/2013 12:18AM

    If I can lend a shoulder in tough times, please let me know. So many people share similar feelings these days for many reasons. You
are not alone. I totally understand where
you're coming from. Better days are ahead.
BTW, you're making terrific progress, judging
from your photos.

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HAWAIIANMAMMA 1/1/2013 9:26PM

    Oh, Jill, I'm sorry you feel so down. Try to remember that everyone's path is different. You can't compare your journey to anyone else's. The important thing is that you are where you need to be at this point in your journey. Maybe not where you want to be, butyou'll get there when the timing is right. In the meantime, you've got a spark buddy in east county who would love to meet you in Julian anytime for some wandering, hiking, pie eating, or apple picking. Just ask. emoticon

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MA_KING69 1/1/2013 9:18PM

    Great blog

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