For the past 6-8 weeks, I have not been taking good care of myself. I've been strength training sporadically, and cardio has been non-existent. And my eating habits have been getting progressively worse. The result? I gained back over 5# of the 70# I lost in 2012. VERY frustrating.

The past few days has been me refocusing and getting my MIND back into the game. Because honestly.... each night for weeks I went to bed berating myself for the choices I made that day, wanting desperately to get get back on track, and just not having my mind in the right frame of mind to do it.

I do have some legitimate hurdles right now, but the bare truth is that I haven't been doing everything that I could do for myself. I don't even want to think of all the high-fat, high-sugar calories I have taken in the past couple weeks. But here is a life truth..... this is a journey, and ALL journeys have bends and curves. Sometimes you fall. The question is, am I giving up on myself, or picking myself up? My answer... I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on the path of my journey. And to do that, I have to forgive myself for falling.

So I gained back some weight. SO WHAT?!?! I lost 70# this year. Obviously I know how to lose weight. I just need to do it. 5# will not define me. I know how to lose it, and I will. And I will continue on my goal.

Yesterday and today I returned to the gym, and returned to clean eating. Yesterday I filled a garbage bag of all holiday junk left overs and got rid of it. The only junk in my house now is in my 4 yr old's snack drawer. I spent a ridiculous amount of money at Walmart restocking whole, healthy foods. I took some time to make a crock pot full of healthy chili, and package in in 1-serving freezer bags (home-made fast meals), making the ranch dressing I love, etc. Setting myself up for success again.

Today I ran into my "trainer" at the gym (since my husband lost his job, we can no longer afford sessions with her, but we've become friends, and she remains my biggest cheerleader). We talked about where I am, letting the past month or two go, and setting goals for this year.

One of my biggest struggles right now is that as I've lost weight, my abdominal fold has gotten worse. (My highest weight was 420#, and I'm now at 245#... that's a lot of excess skin!) I've been dealing with increased rashes and infections. I have seen my doctor, and have an appointment with a plastic surgeon on January 21st. I am PRAYING my insurance will approve the removal of this apron of skin. It's to the point that I had to stop jogging because it moves so much that it causes excruciating back pain. I can only do about 20 hard minutes on the elliptical or treadmill before the back pain sets in from having so much weight hang. I am supplementing on the stationary bike, but it's difficult. Even now, my back is aching from my 40 minutes of cardio this morning. I've tried the support aids and am to the point that only surgery will fix this. I am humiliated by this... because it is a result of the abuse I have done to my body. It is the result of my choices.

So my dear Sarah (trainer) and I talked about goals for 2013. My goal on January 3rd last year, the day I first went to the gym and met her, was to lose 70# before December 31st. I met that goal. Time to set some new ones.
Goal #1: Address the apron of skin/ back pain issues.
Goal #2: Get UNDER 200# (Sarah's goal for me is 185#.. that sounds like a fairytale to me right now, but I'll work towards it!)
Goal #3: Continues staying fit, active, and HEALTHY! At my last doctors' appointment, my doctor could barely hear my heart murmur... it's actually healing as my heart strengthens!!!

So.... here's to my achievements in 2012, and proving to myself that I CAN DO THIS! And here's to moving past the bumps in the road to meet my new goals!

Happy New Year!