I had a baby and it's hard. It's hard to not eat junk when I'm home all day. It's hard to find time or motivation to exercise. It's hard to come back to Spark having gained back more then half my weight I'd lost.
After being so successful with my weight loss I had to build up my courage to come back and face my fellow Spark people. That motivator stamp on my page that I was once so proud to earn now kinda makes me feel like a fraud. I feel like I'm at step one again- I am at step one again. I'm 210 pounds. I've GAINED six pounds since September. I watch all the new moms around me easily drop baby weight and look fantastic two or three months after having a baby and I'm five months out and feeling... I don't know what I'm feeling. Disappointment? Maybe that's it- I'm having a hard time finding a word for it. But disappointment is definitely the closest I can think of. Disappointed in myself for not doing what I'd intended. Disappointed in my lack of motivation and self esteem.
I've been so caught up in the joy of having a new baby and the work and stress that comes with it that I've put myself aside and have been neglecting my own health. I haven't been working out... like at all. Forget running, I'm not even walking. I eat junk whenever I want- fast food, candy, doughnuts, all of it. And I'm in the size 16s to prove it.
I was thinking when I woke up this morning about last time I tackled my weight and realized it's been almost four years since joining Spark. In four days I'll have my four year sparkversary. It's time to set some new goals. I really hate saying it's a New Year resolution, not that I have anything against them, I'm just horrible keeping them. I think I need to look at it as changing my life again. I did it once, I can do it again.
So this morning I reset my goals. I got rid of my old ticker with that awesome 90+ pound loss on it and got honest on my page. I updated my profile pic with the most current photo I have of me. I have mixed emotions about that photo. Here it is so you know what I'm' talking about-
We took this photo in the park on our first family outing with our new addition. I love how happy I look with my new baby, I love how sweet and little he looks in my arms, I love the memory of that day. But I don't love my size in it, the chubby arms, the belly rolls. And I don't love that once I saw the photos taken that day that I again stopped getting in photos. Here's another from that day-
It's been a long time since I avoided photos and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to be absent in the photos of Owen's childhood like I was for so many years of photos of Bryn's. The first year of his life is flying by. Before I know it he'll be walking, then running. I want to be able to keep up with him. I want his childhood full of parks and playing with mom. I don't want him to miss out on anything life has to offer because of my fitness level of insecurities, and I don't want to miss out on a thing
So it's time to set new goals- short term and long.
Weight goals: Short term- 200 by Valentines day. Long term- 165 by July 27 (Owen's first birthday)
My plan to meet the goals: Track nutrition, everyday and honestly. Exercise 20 minutes 3 times a week to start, build from there. Be active on Spark again, blog at least once a week. Reward myself with something small every 10 pounds and something big when I reach goals.