Tuesday, January 01, 2013
We had the best night just being home last night. I made a healthy dinner and my best friend came over. We watched movies, laughed and mapped out our eating plan for 2013 (my best friend is learning to eat healthier along side me). I was so thankful for the most peaceful new year I can remember in ages! We did have one hiccup about 10:30, when my daughter's boyfriend came over and they were fighting. They kept it quiet in the kitchen, but I could feel the tension, but my best friend kept me calm as I could feel my anxiety climbing.
This morning I am soaking in the quiet air, the calm, before we go over to eat a new years meal with my parents. I'm prepared to eat healthy, saying "No" to anything mom tries to push at me. I will NOT allow unhealthy food to overpower me any longer. I want my legs to feel better, I'm so tired of feeling sick all of the time.
I am afraid of going over to mom's and being around my dad, just the sound of his voice causes my anxiety to rise. I don't know if this will ever change, the effects of abuse don't just go away, they are always there. Since I have stayed away, I can tell there is a change in his attitude but I'm so afraid at any moment he's going to turn back into that monster. The fear of his outbursts, cruel words, harsh judgements, are just so deeply embedded inside me it's horrible! I always have his voice in my head, even when I'm not around him, but when I am, my stomach and heart stay knotted up so tight I feel like I'm going to explode! I am taking baby steps, one day at a time with both my emotional healing and physical healing!
I know I can do this with the Lord's strength, and with the support of my family and friends! :) 2013 is going to be a better year!