Happy New Year!!

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

Well, it's now 2013 and after a fitful nite of sleep I'm sorting out my wish list for the year. I have goals in mind for the next 12 months. Run a 5K before summer. Lose weight - I'm not sure the exact amount, I'm planning on 1-2 pounds a week after my calorie balancing is settled. I just weighed, back to 244 this morning. It was expected since I've eaten pretty carelessly over the holidays.

I plan on taking a significant amount of time to think back to my earlier days when I was thin and what happened to change all that. What was my reason for hiding behind the fat, what was the payoff in my mind for gaining weight. I have ideas and they are all painful to bring up to the surface, but I think I'm still stuffing those pains with food. Pains that have long since been lived, but somehow still exist in the back of my mind.

It's things I wouldn't want to put out in public, but they do involve abuse and some ugly situations. Things I relegate to the dark dungeon and keep the key hidden away. It's time I opened the door and faced the demons in the light of day and wisdom of age. It's fear, fear of the unknown and fear of the anger and hurt I harbor in my heart. It's a nasty furball of life that I have yet to own or dispose of.

I look forward to a year of new beginnings, new goals and new experiences. Living a healthful, sane life and lifestyle. Eating like a healthy person would eat. Not being chained to a diet, but eating to feed my body and mind. Learning how to listen to my body and treat it with respect. Learning to speak up for myself in my life and work. Learning to not be a doormat for whoever. Learning to love me, as I am, without the cloak of secrecy and hidden pain.

This year will be my NEW year, in many ways. Welcoming the real Mary up front and center. I'm the one on the far right in the red plaid dress.
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    Well, calorie balancing is not going so far down your body says "what are trying to do to me". You figure out your BMR and don't go below it. You don't subtract your exercise calories (unless you are like a lumberjack). Depending upon the calculator, mine varied between 400 calories for my BMR. So, I experimented with different calorie levels to see where I would begin losing. I do know that 2000 doesn't work. But, about midway through things dropping to around 1600 caused a stall. 1400 at the beginning I dropped quickly.

    I'll post my chart. Hopefully it will show up well. Anyway... I think the biggest takeaway from my childhood and teenage years is I was afraid of being labeled a "whore" if I dressed or looked nice. My mother was very critical of me growing up, VERY critical and I didn't understand at the time why. I learned about my adoption and why she was so angry with me all the time. She was blaming me for my mother's mistakes. You're right, I can't go back and fix or change anything. I just tacked on body habitus to the script of don't look like a whore. It was safer to be fat. I didn't gain until I married and then put on 100 pounds with my first. I lost it a couple of times. Regained it a couple more.
    1843 days ago
    Could you explain calorie balancing? This is the second reference to that I've seen since Christmas. Might have been you the other time, too, but I don't think so.

    You're very petite in the pic, but I see lots of similarities to my sister when she was about 6.

    I'm not trying to tell you to stop looking for answers in the past. But don't be surprised if you don't find any.

    I'll tell you that even if you did have a pay-off in your early days, the food manufacturers, government, commercials all had a bigger pay-off and knew what they were doing to hook us on their junk. It wasn't all your fault!! WE just need to figure out how to stop it now.

    Dr. Fuhrman has a pretty good explanation of food addictions in his book, Eat to Live, chapter 6, "Breaking Free of Food Addiction."
    1843 days ago
    Nice picture Mary. Your past life is PAST. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the best in life. Your goals sound like a good start. We are all in this together and your Spark Friends are here to support and cheer you on. I do hope your 2013 will be a blessing for you. emoticon
    1846 days ago
    1847 days ago
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