Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Well, it's now 2013 and after a fitful nite of sleep I'm sorting out my wish list for the year. I have goals in mind for the next 12 months. Run a 5K before summer. Lose weight - I'm not sure the exact amount, I'm planning on 1-2 pounds a week after my calorie balancing is settled. I just weighed, back to 244 this morning. It was expected since I've eaten pretty carelessly over the holidays.
I plan on taking a significant amount of time to think back to my earlier days when I was thin and what happened to change all that. What was my reason for hiding behind the fat, what was the payoff in my mind for gaining weight. I have ideas and they are all painful to bring up to the surface, but I think I'm still stuffing those pains with food. Pains that have long since been lived, but somehow still exist in the back of my mind.
It's things I wouldn't want to put out in public, but they do involve abuse and some ugly situations. Things I relegate to the dark dungeon and keep the key hidden away. It's time I opened the door and faced the demons in the light of day and wisdom of age. It's fear, fear of the unknown and fear of the anger and hurt I harbor in my heart. It's a nasty furball of life that I have yet to own or dispose of.
I look forward to a year of new beginnings, new goals and new experiences. Living a healthful, sane life and lifestyle. Eating like a healthy person would eat. Not being chained to a diet, but eating to feed my body and mind. Learning how to listen to my body and treat it with respect. Learning to speak up for myself in my life and work. Learning to not be a doormat for whoever. Learning to love me, as I am, without the cloak of secrecy and hidden pain.
This year will be my NEW year, in many ways. Welcoming the real Mary up front and center. I'm the one on the far right in the red plaid dress.