Tuesday, January 01, 2013
As 2012 began, I was exercising & making good choices. Unbeknown to me, I was also sharing my mothers last 10 days of life with her.
January 10 th came & she was dead. Yes I grieved & still have tough days nearly a year later but the fact that her heart condition that nobody knew she had until a few weeks before her death was complicated by an ever worseing weight problem since she was about 25 scared me.
Yes I admit it. It SCARED me! Why? Well once I got through the first few months of greiving I began to notice & accept things. Things I didn't like about how my weight was affecting me. I deceided it was time start "the journey" for the last time. Initally it was to regain my health for the sake of my family. I was the last reason on that list.
I began the year by climbing a cold mountain of grief...
I ended it much wiser but still with much to learn about this journey.
I took 9 months to grieve, doing (eating) whatever I had to onthe bad days to get through it. I went through the motions of celebrating all of the holiday "firsts" without mom. The biggest one personally would have to be "Mother's Day". We did the minimum...seriously for the sake of our kids. I wanted nothing to do with Mother's Day. I would have been perfectly fine curing up in bed & sleeping all day...or stuffing my face & lying around in a food coma. Instead I did the very minimum.
We went to Illinois to see family & to spread the ashes of my grandparents...their final wish.
I think that trip is when I started to mentally shift into living again instead of just exisiting. I had begun to speak of mom & share experiences of road trips we took together without falling apart. I had no idea this 2000 mile road trip would be...healing for me. It also made me realize just how fat & unhealthy I had become.
In July the hubby & I went to Las Vegas, stayed at he Golden Nugget & walked to the National Mob Museum. I could not enjoy all three floors because my back & feet were killing me...because I was so out of shape.
August came & the denial stopped. I needed help & I joined WW.
I had a hard time walking 3 miles without being exhausted all day. My size 24s, 26s & 3Xs were tight & uncomfortable. I was drinking about 4-6 sodas...per day! My emotional eating was worse than I realized & I was miserable. The person that looked back in the mirror at me disgusted me. I was unhappy, unhealthy, crabby & very, very self concious. I didn't know who that person was. All I knew was that I didn't like the stranger staring back me. My kids deserved better. My husband deserved better & I wasn't happy.
I started walking at the track in town, in August, in Arizona. Can we say hot as hell (nearly 100 degrees) even at 7:45 am after I dropped the kids off at school? Seriously the kids were being kept inside as soon as they were dropped off at school because it was so hot outside. Yet there I was walking on the track in town.
In September I was walking 3 miles without too much trouble most days so I increased my mileage when I felt good enough to do so. I convinced my friends to sign up for The Color Run in January & was HOPING I'd be ready by then.
In October we went to Las Vegas as a family & when I told my husband I was planning on walking in the mornings beore the family got up, he encouraged me to relax & sleep-in. We were on vacation after all & we do alot of walking in Las Vegas. I told him I was getting into a habit & I needed to stay on track. I did & walked my first 16 minute mile on Las Vegas Blvd. My family noticed my efforts were paying off when I beat them to the top of several sets of stairs while they were using the escalator. I even faced the WW scale in Las Vegas. In October I also did my first 5K!
November came & Thanksgiving arrived. I didn't track my food much but I was pretty aware of what I was eating. I wasn't aware that the holidays were taking it's toll on my emotions. I kept walking but not as much. I aggravated my heel spur when I walked 7 miles "just to see if I could". It pretty much stopped most of my walking. Playing around with my youngest one I did something I haven't been able to do in years. I jumped! I jumped into the air & did a 180. We looked at each other & I said "Did you see?!?! Did you see?!?! I JUMPED! I went all the way off the ground & I JUMPED!" She said " I know! I saw it!" & gave me a high five.
December came & walking stopped entirely. Chrsitmas was consuming me, but my eating wasn't completely out of control. I didn't fall apart until the last day before Christmas break. That morning I woke up to my youngest crying because it was her 2nd grade teachers last day. Her teacher was moving back to Wisconsin because her husband had found a job there & their families are there. They are expecting their first child this Spring. Once I explained to her the probable reasons WHY she was moving, she was much better. She did say "Those kids sure are going to get an awesome teacher, I'll really miss her.". This was her teacher for Kindergarten & 2nd grade. She also had her for sign language club last year so she is close to this teacher.
Unfortunately for me, after I dropped the girls off & took my shower...it triggered the release all of those tears I'd been holding back. I lost it. I did the ugly cry in the shower & I couldn't stop. Even drying my hair & getting ready to help in the other childs classroom Christmas party I couldn't stop. I managed to put on minimal make-up, collect my emotions & make it. I didn't enjoy it, but I made it. The treats in class were tempting, but I resisted their calls to me because I KNEW if I started, I wouldn't stop.
Then we went to a rental cabin for Christmas. It was there I was reminded of the work I had done & had more work to do.
The elevation at our home is about 2000 feet. The elevation of the cabin was close to 9000 feet. Even with the air being much different there I was still able to make it most of the way up the giant sledding hill at Sunrise Ski Resort. I even had to crawl part way up, but I did it. I went down the hill on a saucer that I cracked when I wiped out. The skinny adults were looking at me like I was a freak but I was hardly aware of them. I didn't care. I was having fun with my family & the first thing I heard was the loud laughter of my kids & my husband, laughing WITH me at my wipe-out. If I hadn't done as much work as I had this year, I wouldn't have been able to get up that sledding hill. If mom hadn't of died, I wouldn't have been scared enough to take the first steps to start this long, wonderous journey I'm on.
It was a perfect Christmas because I was with my family, they were having so much fun that they didn't even notice the absence of my mom ( which is what i wanted for them) & I go what I'd prayed for (other than the kids not missing my mom). I got 4 inches of new snow on Christmas Eve for my kids first white Christmas ever. I know we made happy memories that will last a lifetime this year.
Now it is 2013. I've only got 2 more tough days to get through. January 4th because it would have been my parents 49th wedding anniversary & January 10th. The one year anniversary of mom's death. I'll make it. I'll cry a bit I'm sure, but I plan on thanking her. Without her I wouldn't be the person I am today.
For the record I could not have made it this far without the support of my family, my friends, my FB & SP friends & of course my WW Leader. Thank you everyone!
2013 will be an awesome year!
My goals (not resolutions) are as follows:
Lose an additional 40 pounds
Finally give up soda COMPLETELY
Complete four 5K's
Be able to run one mile without taking walking breaks (not worried about time)