Monday, December 31, 2012
I am just home from my young neighbor's house. She, her husband, her children, her brother, and her sister in law have been so wonderful since Ed's sudden death in October. It is said that God puts not the people you want into your lives but the people you need. I am thankful for this young family but surely do want Ed here, a want that is impossible to fulfill.
I could ahve stayed for a while longer at my neighbor's but the sadness of being without Ed was filling me to overflowing and surrounding me beyond my being able to control tears.
At times I had the feeling of Ed's hands on my shoulders, near the back of my neck, like he would sometimes do if we were at a concert, a party, or anywhere I might be sitting and he was standing behind me or if we were both standing. I could lean backinto him but tonight, even though I felt his hands, he wasn't there to lean into. There was no comfort in the feeling, just a terrible, awful, almost unbearable longing and grief.
Now I am home, I am alone, and the tears are pouring from my eyes. I wish they would wash away the grief, the terrible feeling of sorrow and aloneness. The rush, in rivulets, down my cheeks, into the corners of my mouth, and drip off onto my robe. Nothing is washed away and the salt hasn't healed the grief and pain of his being taken from me, his girls, his grandchildren, his friends and neighbors. A light, much laughter, tremendous goodness and love was taken from us and tonight, as a new year approaches, I sit, alone, crying.
The love of my life has left this earth but will always remain in my heart.
Happy New Year Ed!