Monday, December 31, 2012
It's very easy for me to not feel attractive. I only have to look at the hang of my stomach, the hair that grows where I wish it wouldn't, or any number of minor aesthetics the world has taught me to be ashamed of.
When I am strong I can brush off these observations as absurd. I can laugh at the fact that clothing is simply not tailored to my "complex shape". I can remember that a lot of women, even Cameron Diaz, sometimes have to shave their ass.
But some days I'm not strong and those irksome little details become my reality. They become overt symbols of my own worthlessness. After being belligerently unattractive for twentty years I came to associate my desirability with humanity. All the hurts in my life were rooted to my ugliness, my fatness, my hair, acne and drty skin.
It took me a long time to crawl out of that hole. Then I fell into a new one of similar shape. Unemployment. It's basically lining up for gym class every day and never being picked. It's the humiliation and shame of not being enough, of not being desirable. And it lasted for nine months for me. In October I got a job, and I began showing up dressed smartly. I felt attractive. I stunned everyone from day one and proved to be a rockstar.
I can still feel the unhealed wounds and the danger of depression around me. I keep it at bay by being good at what I do and taking care of myself. I'm not fixed, far from it, but I'm managing.