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I'm confessing, I'm sinking, please pray!

Monday, December 31, 2012

I'm coming clean......I'm confessing to all of you my dear friends and family that I have found on Spark People.

As most of you know, my doctor's started me on a new leg tremor medicines, back in October, for one of my disabilities. The main bad side effect is weight gain....but the other is depression. Back in April 2006 I had a nervous breakdown due to many private issues, but I came away with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features, also PTSD, with a few other choice types. Over time, all of the medicines that were prescirbeded for me began to work just perfectly and I was able to get my emotions and mind "in gear" and was having a wonderful and successful "journey to the new me". I was able to think again, work on my losing weight, cooking new recipes, enjoying life, all of the above. Since the first part of November, I have realized that I was sinking down again on this medicine. The doctor's just don't seem to listen at times. I just can't be on this new medicine. I and my husband have resigned that, even though it is a "last resort" medicine for NOT to have the tremors, I would rather HAVE the tremors and have back my mind and happiness and clearness of thought. I am seeing the doctor today and my husband is going to go with me in support. I am going to tell her that I will even sign a release of responsibility paper for her, if she will just put me back on my previous medicine.

I've been trying to send out encouraging and uplifting and motivating words to all of you. I have just grown to love you and this website. I have tried to take in all that I wrote to you and to use it myself, but it just isn't working for me. Please forgive me if it seems that I have been lying to all of you. I have not. I have truly meant every word that I have posted.

I think that as far as the weight gain issue, I think I have gained about 19 lbs since the last of October when she started me on it. Overall, I guess this isn't the "typical gain of 45-80 lbs " in the first year of use, but it is still, so discouraging. Right now in my mind set, it just seems that I don't even care anymore. I know that I do, and I don't want to quit losing.

Please pray for me today that my doctor will help me to get back to the "real me" and become excited about life again and my journey to the new me.

I've opened my heart to you this morning.

I will report later.

"(C)", 2012, Paula Boyd-Friend, all rights reserved
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so glad your Dr. listened and you are getting back on track! emoticon

    Keep on, Keeping on I know emoticon
    1723 days ago
    Having to be on medications is very hard when it goes against your weight loss goals and your mental health.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Don't think you were lying to people you were being positive to, you were helping them while trying to help your self.
    Hope you can get the help you need. emoticon emoticon
    1724 days ago
    I will pray for you, Paula. Depression runs rampant in my family so I know (from a close distance) what you are dealing with. emoticon
    1724 days ago
    You are I my thoughts and prayers
    1724 days ago
    Praying emoticon
    1724 days ago
    Paula you are in my thoughts & prayers. I hope your doctor will listen to you & adjust your medication. I hope that you don't give up Sparks. You are an awesome spark friend who has inspired so many on their journey's. Your spark family loves you. Never give up on yourself. If your doctor won't help you find another.

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    1724 days ago
    Praying! God bless you.
    1724 days ago
    I'm sending you a private note! Praying
    1724 days ago

    I will praying for you. I hope your doctor will listen and adjust the medication to something better for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
    We all have ups & we all have downs. Praying that the doctors will have wisdom in treating you. emoticon
    1725 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I am praying for the Dr. to have wisdom. don't give up there is new break throughs in medicine everyday. Also don't give up Spark. emoticon
    1725 days ago
    Dear Precious Paula, Please don't let your heart be so troubled about your friends at Spark. Real friends understand and support highs, and lows! Real friends don't judge, they love and pray for you. It's late in the evening now so you've already been to your Dr. I pray that the doctor truly listened and felt your pain. I pray that the Lord gave your doctor compassion and wisdom. May He give you strength and lead you to those that will help. May the Lord bless your husband for standing by your side and supporting you. EPH 6:10.
    1725 days ago
    Dear Paula,

    I pray God will ease your mind so you will know how much we love you and look at your success to encourage us in our weight loss battle.

    I pray for your strength in this latest battle of wills with your doctor.

    If she will not listen to YOUR needs, then she is not the doctor for you.

    Love and Hugs, Ramona
    1725 days ago
    I agree with all the above post if the Doctor will not listen to you and your husband you need to find one that will listen. sometimes i think they feel they are the only one who knows anything and the patient just has to do what they tell you to and you should not question them . i feel you need to be listened to and please don't stay with the doc because you have gone to her for a while . there are a lot of good doctors and you will find one that listens and cares. and you have worked so hard to get your weight off you deserve to be listened to and find something works. your Spark family knows and loves you and understands and if we could would all join you and your husband in the office to tell her she needs to listen to you and not just say do as i say i know best. please keep us up to date e on how things are going. none of us think badly of you and know that I am praying for you every day and Soon you will be back to the Paula we know and love Happy New Year to you and your husband
    you are luck to have a supportive husband

    I hope you have
    A year in which you cherish
    The past year's memories and
    Enjoy the memories you make in

    Its Time To Welcome The Fresh
    New Year With Fresh Hope,

    I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's. ~Henry Moore

    1725 days ago
    Here's to your well-being! You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon m emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
    My thoughts and prayers are with you Paula. You need to stand your ground with the doctor, because who knows your body better than you. And if she doesn't listen, find a new doctor. Good luck sweetie. Freida emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
    im sorry to hear of your troubles. We are here for you. Praying and sending good thoughts your way. emoticon
    1725 days ago
    I'm praying. May you experience relief and hope.
    1725 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Praying for you. God bless you and your needs.

    1725 days ago
  • JENT406
    I have been through similar problems - many medications cause major depressive episodes or personality changes in me.
    You & your family know what is best for you and it is the doctor's job to help you find a balance between control of conditions and the symptoms caused by medication.
    Sometimes it is hard to get there, but it can be done. It took me a long time to find the right doctor for me that listened to how her prescriptions were affecting my life.
    Hang in there!
    1725 days ago
    Paula my Dear New Friend, I feel so helpless not being able to help you out but only have my words of encouragement to offer. emoticon

    You deserve to feel better so I'm praying your Dr. understands you and knows how to help you. emoticon

    Please, never think less of yourself because of your illness. You're a wonderful caring person and I'm thinking "Happy Thoughts" for you! emoticon

    1725 days ago
    So sorry to hear this, Paula...
    1725 days ago
    Prayers to you! Overall, it's your decision on your care. Best of luck to you!
    1725 days ago
    We'll be praying for you. I hope your doctor pays attention.
    1725 days ago
    Be strong at the doc! I'm glad you've got your hubs to go with you and MAKE her see that she needs to take care of all of you, not just some of your symptoms.

    And never forget - depression is a lying liar that lies. It is hard to be strong, but you know that you are.
    1725 days ago
    Paula you are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't give up hope. emoticon
    1725 days ago
    Paula, praying that you will be healed from what is really ailing you. So you would not need any medication. Stay blessed! emoticon
    1725 days ago
  • BRANDIM_81

    Prayer has been said for healing and comfort and renewal. The Lord our God is a great God. May He hold you in His capable and merciful hands. May he provide a listening heart to your doctor and grace your doctor with knowledge and insight. May you be comforted and uplifted. God bless you Paula and your family.
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    1725 days ago
    Hang in there!! emoticon You are SO worth it. If your doctor refuses to listen to you, I agree with some of the others that you should consider a different doctor.
    1725 days ago
  • SAMI199
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I am praying...
    1725 days ago
    Paula if your Dr doesn't understand where you are coming from, you need to find a new one! Sometimes Drs do NOT know best bc we know our bodies and how we are feeling! I will pray that talking to your Dr works and things will be right for you again! And I highly doubt that anyone would think badly of you or think you were lying to us!!!! All of these things are part of our journey!!
    1725 days ago
    Praying that you will find a solution that works for you. No harm in getting a second opinion.
    emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
    Oh Dear Paula,
    Tears stream down my face as I read your blog and now write this to you. I pray that the doctor today will listen and help you. I’m struggling to, but I have no reason and should be loving life now that my pain is mostly behind me now. I have gained some weight back after my hip surgery and feel very guilty about that. You are a very special friend and I treasure you! Please keep us posted as to how you are doing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today as you visit the doctor.
    Big Hugs, Love,

    1725 days ago
  • KITT52
    Paul medication do those things, at times they just stop being effective....if you and your doctor can't see eye to eye ...find another Doctor, keep trying....I know it's a struggle, but hang on tight......I'm praying for you .....
    Lets hope the new year can bring some peace and calm to all of our lives....

    I am always here if you need to talk....I don't have the answers but I am a good listener.....HUGS
    1725 days ago
    may the Lord guide you and guide the doctor to listen to you....
    1725 days ago
  • J0ETTE
    Paula - I will be praying for you too! I agree with indygirl... A new dr may be in order. Even if its just for a second opinion.
    1725 days ago
    When my doctor stopped listening, I found a new doctor. I went to an internal medicine doctor. They are very good!
    1725 days ago
    Ohh Paula Dear, I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through. I'm wishing you the best of luck with your doctor's appt. and I hope that you get the answers you need/want!

    With lots of emoticon and love, Karen emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
    emoticon Paula, I'm praying for you. Praying the doctor HEARS you and will give you a new medicine that works for all that is bothering you. God made you and He knows how to fix you. Keep us posted so we know how to pray!
    1725 days ago
    Paula I'm praying for you. I'm truly sorry for what you and your husband is going through. I pray that your doctor would get the medicine right and Jesus would give her wisdom. Deliver our sister this day. We ask in Jesus name.

    Keep us posted.
    1725 days ago
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