I'm coming clean......I'm confessing to all of you my dear friends and family that I have found on Spark People.

As most of you know, my doctor's started me on a new leg tremor medicines, back in October, for one of my disabilities. The main bad side effect is weight gain....but the other is depression. Back in April 2006 I had a nervous breakdown due to many private issues, but I came away with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features, also PTSD, with a few other choice types. Over time, all of the medicines that were prescirbeded for me began to work just perfectly and I was able to get my emotions and mind "in gear" and was having a wonderful and successful "journey to the new me". I was able to think again, work on my losing weight, cooking new recipes, enjoying life, all of the above. Since the first part of November, I have realized that I was sinking down again on this medicine. The doctor's just don't seem to listen at times. I just can't be on this new medicine. I and my husband have resigned that, even though it is a "last resort" medicine for NOT to have the tremors, I would rather HAVE the tremors and have back my mind and happiness and clearness of thought. I am seeing the doctor today and my husband is going to go with me in support. I am going to tell her that I will even sign a release of responsibility paper for her, if she will just put me back on my previous medicine.

I've been trying to send out encouraging and uplifting and motivating words to all of you. I have just grown to love you and this website. I have tried to take in all that I wrote to you and to use it myself, but it just isn't working for me. Please forgive me if it seems that I have been lying to all of you. I have not. I have truly meant every word that I have posted.

I think that as far as the weight gain issue, I think I have gained about 19 lbs since the last of October when she started me on it. Overall, I guess this isn't the "typical gain of 45-80 lbs " in the first year of use, but it is still, so discouraging. Right now in my mind set, it just seems that I don't even care anymore. I know that I do, and I don't want to quit losing.

Please pray for me today that my doctor will help me to get back to the "real me" and become excited about life again and my journey to the new me.

I've opened my heart to you this morning.

I will report later.

Paula
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