Sunday, December 30, 2012
OK, so I still have 1 more day of the year left and I will do my yearly recap then, but I just wonder where the year went? At times it flew by and others it dragged! It really was not my best year for fitness or weight loss, but I think I am getting back on track.
I have to get used to this new life without my mother in it. It is harder than I thought. Real hard. It is all still very new and still very sad and just plain uncomfortable. I know time will heal and things will get back to the new normal. It is just hard when I think of things I want to tell her or ask her to do or help with.... Every time the phone rings I think maybe it is Mom. Every time she would call I would say "hello" and she would say ""hello?" like she wasn't sure I answered. It annoyed me sometimes, but then it became my little smile of the day. Ah.
Dad's birthday dinner was nice, but he just seemed out of it. He was rather quiet. He is having a hard time with phrasing things like I am. He keeps saying "we" and "our". I imagine it is even harder on him. not only did he lose his wife of 44 years, but he has been taking care of her for about 2 years. She started having dizzy spells and no one could figure out why. Then they thought she had thyroid cancer, but she didn't, but still had surgery. The dizziness continued, so she quit driving. He drove them every wehre. Then she had surgery on her knee which resulted in her not being able t to walk. So, he helped her with everything from cooking to getting in and out of the shower. So, for the past 2 years he did everything for her and with her. So, not only did he lose his wife, but he lost his daily focus. I know he listened for her to have breathing problems during the night and would wake her if she had trouble. So, his nights must be very quiet and lonely. I just hope he will b OK. My in-laws backed out of the dinner and so did my friend and her husband, so it ended up being my dad, me, Anthoony and our neighbors. It was nice, if a bit subdued.
So, here I am on the next to the last day of the year. Feeling a bit lost, feeling a bit alone, feeling like I need something. None of it feels real. Life is hard, but it is good!