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    ON2VICTORY   47,149
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The Hardest Blog Ever Written.

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Sunday, December 30, 2012

I have met the enemy...and he is me.

I have made the decision to go for counseling. That one sentence embodies the toughest decision I have ever made. It goes against my very fibre of "I'm gonna do it my way". I guess I got that way from years of feeling like no one understands, or cares for that matter, so therefore I must handle everything myself.

How, where, or why I guess is a moot point.

I did talk to a clinician last night and after reviewing my physical symptoms as well as the emotional side of things, I am absolutely for sure struggling with anxiety and depression. I hate that truth, but it has grown to where I really can't afford to be a John Wayne any more. From a weight loss perspective, I don't believe I can go any further until issues, however painful, are addressed.

When I first started at 385 lbs, my calorie requirements were so high that I could make small changes, get off my rear and do something and lose weight in spite of the emotional eating episodes and binges. Not so any more.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to admit it, and certainly not in a public forum, but there is safety with my friends and I have had nothing but support here.

It's ok to admit that I am not strong.

So much of this stems back from when I was growing up. I was one of "those ADD kids". I was failing in school and I was put on Ritalin. My grades instantly skyrocketed. I could focus, think again, mom cancelled her reservation at the loony bin and life was good.

I hated it.

I hated the fact that I had to take a pill to be normal, that I was defective and could not measure up to the normal kids. I would always be substandard unless I took a pill. Between that and being the fat kid, being bullied, and not being well to do in a preppy school, I never measured up. A day late and a dollar short in everything I did.

Once I got out of school I vowed I would never do that again. I would be capable.

I has worked...for the most part. I delved deep into tons of self help literature (as if you can't tell from my writings) and really looked inward. I learned goal setting and the empowerment that comes from doing big things and it really helped.

But that is also why I feel like a total failure because for me to go to counseling feels like all that I did to try to help myself was pretty much a waste of time because ultimately it came full circle and here I am in some shrinks office.

I feel like I am weak and all of the talk, the stuff, everything I did was just so much piss and wind...pardon the French.

However, I have learned that when you know what you must do in your heart of hearts, you must do, no matter how uncomfortable, how humbling, how un-manly it may seem.

Maybe I just need a friend.

Maybe if I can come to grips with those things that are really hurting me, that I will come out more battle ready than ever and will finally reach my destination.

It is for that reason alone that I will go because I am tired of floundering. I have proved that I will stop at nothing to see it through but this......this is hard.

If I can run a marathon, I can walk into a doctors office.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ONEKIDSMOM 12/30/2012 5:40PM

    Robert, I'll tell you right now, I ended up in therapy (just talk, no meds) for a while, at a rough point in my life. There is no particular magic. They don't "fix" you, and the work you have done on your own is NOT a waste. In fact, it is excellent ground work for working with a therapist. Think of it as like a personal trainer for the mental / emotional side of you, much as the ones you have worked with on the physical aspects.

While in therapy I found insights that I needed to find... partly because I had someone that I was paying to listen... who was NOT a friend or a family member and had some distance from my issues.

Yes, if you can run a marathon, you can darken the door of the doctor's office. And trust me, you will be glad you did! You are a champion, a winner, a finisher. This is just another part of the journey. emoticon

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BOBBIENORTHERN1 12/30/2012 5:38PM

  I don't want to offend you but the greatest and bestest friend I have ever had was when I first met Jesus and He knows me and understands me and guides me and listens to me and then gives me His wisdom of what to do...but, only you know what you have to do...like you said in your heart of hearts you have to do what you think is right for you.

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HAPPYSOUL91 12/30/2012 5:36PM

    Like Slimindown just stated...if you had a physical problem, you would seek help. This feeling you have about taking meds for mental issues is just wrong! There I said it, even with all the self talk we still get stuck on the same track, you need outside, unemotional input to find a new path.

Go for it, do it and then you are really taking care of yourself. Most importantly....You are worth it without a doubt.

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TINAJANE76 12/30/2012 5:31PM

    Good for you in taking that hardest of first steps. Making the decision to go for counseling does not mean that you're weak or defective in any way. You're going to get the support you need to live the happiest and healthiest life you possibly can.
emoticon

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SUNNYSIDEUPMARY 12/30/2012 5:30PM

    First of all, many hugs for you, my friend.

That last sentence is very powerful. You can do it.

I say that if our bodies are missing a certain chemical, then take the necessary pill. Whether it is for the thyroid or for depression. I take both, by the way.

Some of us need the counseling also. I go, but don't need it so often anymore.

Now, with the meds, good sleep, counseling, a light box, exercise and SparkPeople, I am doing so much better! I feel good and stronger in body and spirit.

I urge you to do what you need to to take care of yourself. I believe in you.

- Mary

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SLIMINDOWN31 12/30/2012 5:25PM

    If you we're a diabetic you could take medication without feeling bad about yourself. People need to have the same attitude about depression and anxiety. It's an important step in taking care of yourself! You are worth it!

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FIZZYBALL 12/30/2012 5:24PM

    emoticon emoticon

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