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The Hardest Blog Ever Written.

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Sunday, December 30, 2012

I have met the enemy...and he is me.

I have made the decision to go for counseling. That one sentence embodies the toughest decision I have ever made. It goes against my very fibre of "I'm gonna do it my way". I guess I got that way from years of feeling like no one understands, or cares for that matter, so therefore I must handle everything myself.

How, where, or why I guess is a moot point.

I did talk to a clinician last night and after reviewing my physical symptoms as well as the emotional side of things, I am absolutely for sure struggling with anxiety and depression. I hate that truth, but it has grown to where I really can't afford to be a John Wayne any more. From a weight loss perspective, I don't believe I can go any further until issues, however painful, are addressed.

When I first started at 385 lbs, my calorie requirements were so high that I could make small changes, get off my rear and do something and lose weight in spite of the emotional eating episodes and binges. Not so any more.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to admit it, and certainly not in a public forum, but there is safety with my friends and I have had nothing but support here.

It's ok to admit that I am not strong.

So much of this stems back from when I was growing up. I was one of "those ADD kids". I was failing in school and I was put on Ritalin. My grades instantly skyrocketed. I could focus, think again, mom cancelled her reservation at the loony bin and life was good.

I hated it.

I hated the fact that I had to take a pill to be normal, that I was defective and could not measure up to the normal kids. I would always be substandard unless I took a pill. Between that and being the fat kid, being bullied, and not being well to do in a preppy school, I never measured up. A day late and a dollar short in everything I did.

Once I got out of school I vowed I would never do that again. I would be capable.

I has worked...for the most part. I delved deep into tons of self help literature (as if you can't tell from my writings) and really looked inward. I learned goal setting and the empowerment that comes from doing big things and it really helped.

But that is also why I feel like a total failure because for me to go to counseling feels like all that I did to try to help myself was pretty much a waste of time because ultimately it came full circle and here I am in some shrinks office.

I feel like I am weak and all of the talk, the stuff, everything I did was just so much piss and wind...pardon the French.

However, I have learned that when you know what you must do in your heart of hearts, you must do, no matter how uncomfortable, how humbling, how un-manly it may seem.

Maybe I just need a friend.

Maybe if I can come to grips with those things that are really hurting me, that I will come out more battle ready than ever and will finally reach my destination.

It is for that reason alone that I will go because I am tired of floundering. I have proved that I will stop at nothing to see it through but this......this is hard.

If I can run a marathon, I can walk into a doctors office.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUENOSE63 1/1/2013 8:42AM

  As one who has OCD and has been this way since the age of 10 and lived for years with undiagnosed symptoms, counselling etc., let me tell you first hand that you are making the best decision of your life. I found with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I could change the way I thought, recognize the signs of a downward spiral and avoid the pitfalls. Yes I have to take medication but does that make less than anyone else, No -- I am who I am and I am very lucky that there is medication that works for me. My brain isn't wired the same as most people but that is OK but it took years to deal with it and let people into the world of OCD.

Do what you need to do for you and the hell with everyone who is a dissenter -- they aren't you, you are you

Good luck and Happy New Year

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SMALLERMELORIE 1/1/2013 8:36AM

    Thank you for sharing. I am sure it was tough, but you can do it. emoticon As you said, if you can run a marathon, you can walk into a Drs. office. My mother suffers from severe depression and I have always wished that I could help her go and seek counseling, but she never would go.

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ANEWHOLMESBOONE 1/1/2013 8:25AM

  Inspiring Blog, thank you! Praying for you... Today will be day one at the gym since 9/11... I need prayer too... truly scared to start this journey...

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HEALTHY4ME 1/1/2013 8:25AM

    I am not sure if my hubby would respond or not, but he would say GO. he has severe anxiety depression and it nearly did him in, when he finally called the dr crying saying something is the matter. After a few real messes trying to get his meds regulated, he now can function. He still doesn't work and will not now, but he can certainly do much better.
He is still in bed but wonder if he would "talk" to you.

HUGS and best decision you ever made, and hey you are no less cos of needing help or meds.

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MAMA3MANY1 1/1/2013 7:05AM

    I haven't read all the comments (so many!!) but I just wanted to say that going for counselling when you feel it's the next step is a sign of maturity and wisdom. You are WISE. Not deficient, wise!
Take from the daughter of two parents who refused to address their own issues and hurt a lot of people around them and were miserable them selves - how I wish my parents would have taken charge of their health instead of being too proud to go for help.

I wish you lots of love and grace.

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ROXIGIRL 1/1/2013 4:57AM

    I think quite few people have struggled like you did. The only one difference would be that you have admitted this in public. Good on you. I hope that 2013 will be great one for you!

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FAT2GAINHEALTH 1/1/2013 2:46AM

    Hi,
There is nothing in the world wrong with getting help and taking meds. for your problems. If you truly have a chemical balance that is off in your brain and you get help it is congratulations in order for you. It is a disease that truly needs treatment just like being a diabetic needs treatment because their pancreas needs insulin. so you need a treatment to heal!!! please don't look at this a a failure, it in fact is a success.
sincerly,
Marcia

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HEATHERFREE 1/1/2013 2:21AM

    Amazing....you are amazing! For writing this blog and doing what you need to do!!! I can truly relate to having to do something or take something to be "normal" Why can't I just deal with things like everyone else and not be overcome but something all the time. I hope this helps you continue on your journey and really...walking into that Drs office is not going to be something to fix you.....it is something that will give YOU the tools to fix you! SO think of it like that, it helps me out. emoticon

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BLUEJEAN99 1/1/2013 1:52AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MARYJEANSL 1/1/2013 12:53AM

  You are strong - amazingly strong! It takes a strong person to admit when he needs help, and, beyond that, to go and get that help. I wish you the very best. I hope you get all the help you need. May 2013 be the best year ever for you!

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JIBBIE49 1/1/2013 12:41AM

    Glad to see your blog featured again in the Spark Mail.

There is nothing wrong with getting medicine for depression or anxiety. I took PROZAC for 14 yrs and it just made me feel NORMAL and not like I was down in a hole I couldn't climb up out of. I know taking Ritalin as a child would have changed my life had they had it back in the 50's and 60's but I was told I was an "AIRHEAD" or that I had "chicken with my head cut off syndrome" or I was a "scatterbrain." Not good to have lived that way. Three of my children have done well on Adderall.

Get off of sugar, as that will help. Read "Wheat Belly" by William Davis MD, as well, as wheat today is NOT what it use to be.

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NEWMOM20121 12/31/2012 11:16PM

    Do what you need to do to be healthy, physically and mentally. It all worked together. Best wishes to you as you get stronger.

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CHRIS3874 12/31/2012 10:19PM

    I have been to counselling and to psychiatrists and psychologists. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of we are all IMPERFECT creations of a PERFECT God. It is GREAT that you have strength of CHARACTER to REACH out for help when you needed it. That is a good thing for both you and those who care about you. Things CAN and WILL GET BETTER!!!! emoticon

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BEYOURBEST1 12/31/2012 9:24PM

    I think you have a lot of courage. Do not feel alone, most people have baggage, in one form or another.
You are helping yourself by seeking help when you need it. Be patient, things will improve as you work on them. You do not need to be perfect, nobody is.
All the best to you.


Comment edited on: 12/31/2012 9:24:58 PM

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SUSIEMT 12/31/2012 9:03PM

    Thank you for being honest. Back in 2002 or 3 I finally came to the realization that I needed to go to counseling and it was one of the best things I had ever done for myself. The shrink got me on the right anxiety medication and finally the right dosage. But it was the counselor that got my head on straight. He said at my last session that if at any time I thought I had a problem that I just couldn't figure out that is when I should call for an appointment that is why they are there. That made me feel so much better. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help. You go guy!

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REDGALE 12/31/2012 8:58PM

    Thank you. I, too, have walked some of this road. Why? Only God knows, but it has made me a better person. Plato said, "Be kind, for EVERYONE YOU MEET is carrying a heavy load."
God bless.

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SHOAPIE 12/31/2012 8:25PM

    emoticon

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SALIJACKT 12/31/2012 7:47PM

    This brings back memories of the day I finally accepted that I had Depression. I always thought of it like that, with a Big D. I was so ashamed and scared and in some ways, relieved.

There is a group on here, Dealing with Depression, that has helped me already. I don't know if you're already a member or not, but it might help you out as well.

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HYATTI1 12/31/2012 7:21PM

    They say the first step is the hardest...you just took that one..so the rest will come in stride. Good luck

Joanna

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KOOKYKATHIE 12/31/2012 7:04PM

    You have taken a BIG STEP and that is very BIG!!
Let the counseling help you out! You're not a failure because you will overcome. emoticon

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! emoticon

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IAMAGEMLOVER 12/31/2012 7:03PM

    There is no shame is seeing a counselor. I have been going to counseling for over 20 years. I was finally diagnosed with chronic depression and put on anti depressants. Did I like it no, but do I feel better. Oh yeah, life is good now. I enjoy life. You are a strong person to seek help.

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WINDSWEPTACRES 12/31/2012 6:56PM

    The years you put into learning about yourself are NOT wasted. Think about how much insight you've gained. That should make the therapy go so much easier.

And if you ever find yourself sitting there thinking nobody understands and nobody cares, there's a whole bunch of us crazy people out here who love you. emoticon

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JANEMARIE77 12/31/2012 6:50PM

    best of luck

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BELDONDOG1 12/31/2012 6:38PM

    Good Blog!! Weak--Not at all. I would say that you have bared your soul and to me you are one very strong person. Now "normal", I don't know about that :)
Seriously, what is normal? I guess we all just want to look like the other people and not have everyone looking at us like we were freaks. I admire you for getting the help that you feel you need. Good Luck, Hon, and Happy New Year!!

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LYNNA1968 12/31/2012 6:35PM

    anxiety and depression are terrible things to live with. Your making a great choice, it proves you are a survivor! Head high, eyes up & feet forward! This is
YOUR YEAR!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SNOWANGELDIVA 12/31/2012 6:07PM

    'Real' men are honest. That's what I'm seeing here, nothing but strength.

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SJKENT1 12/31/2012 5:56PM

    I pray that this journey of discovery and hope will bring peace and joy. I believe it will.

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DIANNEMT 12/31/2012 5:54PM

    You are showing your strength by getting the help you need. If you had a broken leg, would you hobble around on it? So let someone help you with the "part" that needs some healing!!

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CAT-IN-CJ 12/31/2012 5:49PM

    Absolutely awesome! The timing must be right.
It probably wouldn't have worked before this.

emoticon


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MAMADELIGHT 12/31/2012 5:27PM

    No one is normal. We all fight a fight. You are strong to take that step and I applaud you for it. I bet you are in for a wonderful year.

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BECKYSRN 12/31/2012 5:25PM

    It's okay to admit you can't do something alone. Look at it this way....a new year deserves a new start, and that's what you're doing. You have lots of friends and support here, never doubt that....
emoticon

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BUTTERFLY-1976 12/31/2012 5:24PM

    emoticon emoticon

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VOLLEYGIRL77 12/31/2012 5:09PM

    emoticon

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KAREN_NY 12/31/2012 5:08PM

    Anxiety is awful. Most of the women in my family have struggled with it, each in her own way, and somehow we manage, to varying degrees. I'm sorry to hear that you are in that kind of pain.

The good news: All that you've done up until now, all that you've succeeded in, and all that you've failed at & learned from, will make any counseling all the more effective for you. I'm here to tell ya that going through therapy is not someone else fixing things For you. It's WORK! And you're going to do well.

((hugs))


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JAMER123 12/31/2012 5:01PM

    Great blog that hits home for many of us!! I find the support on SP to be the best of anything!! The people are wonderful. Hang in there and keep plugging along!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ALIDOSHA 12/31/2012 4:40PM

    emoticon emoticon

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OPTIMIST1948 12/31/2012 4:28PM

    Admitting your weaknesses takes strength. It will get worse before it gets better because you have to disassemble all the coping mechanisms that have helped you get to this point. Then they have to rebuild you. You may have to take other pills to help you until you are completely better.

Would you feel the same way about getting help if it was fitness related? Of course not. Think of this as Mental Fitness. 3/4 of endurance sports is the mind game "Of course I can keep going"

Hugs.

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PATRICIAANN46 12/31/2012 4:02PM

  What you are doing to help yourself takes a lot of strength. If what you are doing helps you.........it is the right thing to do. I, too, suffer from depression and may have to seek the next step of therapy. So far, all I have done is to take a mild medication. I am interested to see how actual therapy helps you. I wish you the very emoticon

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IREN0169 12/31/2012 3:25PM

    That is awesome that you can admit this. I too have anxiety and depression issues, along w/ too many others to mention. I too delve into self help books. I don't care who helps me, as long as I get the help I need to be the best I can be. emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 12/31/2012 3:19PM

    This must have been so hard for you but thanks for sharing. You will come out of this as the strong man you are!

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GOOSIEMOON 12/31/2012 3:08PM

    I applaud you for doing something you think you need to do, even if you don't like the idea of it. That shows courage and self-love. Good for you!



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-STARRYEYED- 12/31/2012 3:07PM

    emoticon You are so honest & brave. I have also struggled with mental health issues, and admitting the probelm & seeking help is the hardest part. Please make sure to take the time to interview & assess your counselor as it is VERY important relationship and you need to feel comfortable.
Regarding medication for mental health, I struggled & argued with my counselor for a few months when I started proactively working on my mental health a few years ago. After much debate, I agreed to begin meds. The meds worked to keep my moods balanced so I could learn to practice the cognitive behavioral techniques to control my anxiety & depression. I stopped the meds while pregnant & haven't had a recurrence of depression since my son was born. What I'm saying is, please don't rule out meds. They serve a purpose.
emoticon emoticon

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ILIKETOZUMBA 12/31/2012 3:04PM

    Hey, it takes a lot of strength to do what you're doing. I wouldn't call the need for counseling weakness at all. The first time I went to see a mental health professional, it took all my nerve and I still cried my way through the entire hour. But it got easier. And there's nothing wrong with needing a little medical help. This is just medical help for your mind, which is certainly the most important part of you! So you better take care of it. :) Good luck!

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REMEMBER2BME 12/31/2012 2:52PM

    You never know it may be clinical depression as well. My best friend is the strongest person I know in the world. He had a crummy childhood to say the very least and he is now on meds and is darn good.... so much better than before the meds and did I mention, he is no doubt the strongest person I know.

Hugs to you!

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REDGALE 12/31/2012 2:49PM

    Thank you. I, too, have walked some of this road. Why? Only God knows, but it has made me a better person. Plato said, "Be kind, for EVERYONE YOU MEET is carrying a heavy load."
God bless.

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NETTYBREAD 12/31/2012 2:46PM

    I had to scroll through so many comments... YAY! So many people cheering you on and wanting you to find your own peace and happiness.

Thanks for sharing... BIG BIG BIG emoticon

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JADASMOM2 12/31/2012 2:37PM

  It is NOT weak to seek help when you need it. I have been in counseling since the mid 90's. I had been fired & I was devastated. It was the best thing that I ever did. I still need it because of a head problem that causes psychological problems.

I'm proud of you for doing it. If the 1st counselor doesn't seem to be helping you, find another one. Not every therapist can work with everyone.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JOSEY98 12/31/2012 2:18PM

    You are very strong. To be able to admit, then make your own way to a counselor takes a lot. I'm very proud. Going to a counselor does not mean you're defective or that you're not doing it on your own! Don't let the little things trip you up so you can't reach the big stuff!

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JOANNHUNT 12/31/2012 2:08PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_BABE_ 12/31/2012 1:35PM

    You're right. No one gets to be 150 lbs overweight and it be just about the food. In your last blog you said it "Morbid obesity kills you every day, not just physically but emotionally as well. One day, many of us decided to quit living and just exist, just cope." It's heartbreaking but so true...somewhere we decided we were not good enough to enjoy the life others take for granted. I am like you...I want to do it alone...but if you feel this will help then by all means do it...whatever it takes! emoticon

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