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The Hardest Blog Ever Written.

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Sunday, December 30, 2012

I have met the enemy...and he is me.

I have made the decision to go for counseling. That one sentence embodies the toughest decision I have ever made. It goes against my very fibre of "I'm gonna do it my way". I guess I got that way from years of feeling like no one understands, or cares for that matter, so therefore I must handle everything myself.

How, where, or why I guess is a moot point.

I did talk to a clinician last night and after reviewing my physical symptoms as well as the emotional side of things, I am absolutely for sure struggling with anxiety and depression. I hate that truth, but it has grown to where I really can't afford to be a John Wayne any more. From a weight loss perspective, I don't believe I can go any further until issues, however painful, are addressed.

When I first started at 385 lbs, my calorie requirements were so high that I could make small changes, get off my rear and do something and lose weight in spite of the emotional eating episodes and binges. Not so any more.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to admit it, and certainly not in a public forum, but there is safety with my friends and I have had nothing but support here.

It's ok to admit that I am not strong.

So much of this stems back from when I was growing up. I was one of "those ADD kids". I was failing in school and I was put on Ritalin. My grades instantly skyrocketed. I could focus, think again, mom cancelled her reservation at the loony bin and life was good.

I hated it.

I hated the fact that I had to take a pill to be normal, that I was defective and could not measure up to the normal kids. I would always be substandard unless I took a pill. Between that and being the fat kid, being bullied, and not being well to do in a preppy school, I never measured up. A day late and a dollar short in everything I did.

Once I got out of school I vowed I would never do that again. I would be capable.

I has worked...for the most part. I delved deep into tons of self help literature (as if you can't tell from my writings) and really looked inward. I learned goal setting and the empowerment that comes from doing big things and it really helped.

But that is also why I feel like a total failure because for me to go to counseling feels like all that I did to try to help myself was pretty much a waste of time because ultimately it came full circle and here I am in some shrinks office.

I feel like I am weak and all of the talk, the stuff, everything I did was just so much piss and wind...pardon the French.

However, I have learned that when you know what you must do in your heart of hearts, you must do, no matter how uncomfortable, how humbling, how un-manly it may seem.

Maybe I just need a friend.

Maybe if I can come to grips with those things that are really hurting me, that I will come out more battle ready than ever and will finally reach my destination.

It is for that reason alone that I will go because I am tired of floundering. I have proved that I will stop at nothing to see it through but this......this is hard.

If I can run a marathon, I can walk into a doctors office.

Link To My Public Blog: mailboxes2miles.blogspot
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I stumbled on your blog this morning. Remember, everyone is human and we all make mistakes, and it is then when we learn. Look how strong you are becoming.

    My husband is dealing with the same thing: being a long haul truck driver. lack of sleep and proper nutrition, depression and anxiety has been tough. We had a few rough years with medication( he also has been diagnosed at 33 with ADD) and he still goes through "dark" is still very hard.

    He has a therapist and he thought he was "crazy" and stupid because he was told he should see someone. He soon developed a very positive relationship with her. She knows him very well now and doesn't take his crap and tells him how it is. He very much looks forward to their sessions and she has helped in soooooo many ways: coping skills, anger management, different techniques. Guaranteed if he doesn't listen to me...he listens to her and I love it. It was the best thing that ever happened to him (besides me lol).

    Although we have not licked everything on his plate, and he still detests his job(and wants to quit daily) HE IS STILL ALIVE. And there was a time, when I thought I was gonna receive that phone call from the police saying they found his body. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    There is power in knowledge!!!
    1276 days ago
    ADD, depression, and anxiety are all real illnesses. If you had diabetes you might need to inject yourself with insulin every day , and maybe more than once or twice a day. Would you deny yourself the help you need and not take your insulin? If you need help to get through the day with a medication that improves your ability to focus, that helps you to be able to face your day with a smile rather than facing the wall, closing your eyes and escaping into sleep, or tensing your body and tying yourself into knots instead of being able to relax and enjoy the world around you, than the medicine is part of what you need to live. Help yourself to release the stigma of taking a medicine for your brain if that is what you need to feel alive and free to be you and to live your life to the fullest. Talk therapy is good too, but it may not be enough to keep you going when you need the right chemicals in your brain to help those thoughts and feelings flow from synapse to synapse. Find the "right" doctors to help you balance your thoughts and feelings, your words, and your medications, so that you can experience the best that your life has to offer not only to you, but to all of those of us around you. Taking medicine that you need doesn't make you less of a man. It shows that you accept yourself and your needs and the help that your doctors are offering. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1277 days ago
  • v BLUENOSE63
    It takes a very strong person to admit their fears, weaknesses and other flaws especially men as they "traditionally" hold all this stuff in and soldier on. This is the first step...don't be afraid to step into the light, so to speak.
    1277 days ago
    It takes amazing strength and courage to admit our own needs...........not weaknesses, not flaws, but needs. Even we strong people with shoulders of steele, and resolve of iron, find that we have very rusty parts that cannot be cleaned without help. That help comes in many've found a very positive form of that help and I find myself once again very appreciative of your candor.

    You DO have a very large support group here. Know we are all pulling for you as you pull for us.

    1277 days ago
    Hey Friend, I have never met anyone who was perfect or more likely I have never met anyone who wasn't FLAWED in some way. I know lots of great people but really we all have flaws, baggage and issues with a capital "I." I hope your counseling is going well, something to think about-it worked for me many moons ago when I was battling my own demons. I am like a quilt, I am made of many pieces of fabric, some match, some don't and some are downright ugly. I can't rip out the ugly ones, the person I am today is because of those experiences and honestly I'm cool with me, flaws and all. Keep on moving forward, one foot in front of another. Happy 2013! sydney
    1288 days ago
  • v MIRANDA1115
    Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage to put it out for the world to see. I too struggle with depression. It, like my weight, is an ongoing battle. I have yet to take the plunge and start seeing a counselor, but I think it's in my future. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
    1289 days ago
  • v -BENI-
    You sure do get one to thinking....

    Glad you were open and shared. Because of that, you will have helped yourself and others. Thank you for that. xo Beni

    “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.”
    ― Charles Dickens.
    “Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but from what we give.”
    ― Ben Carson

    1289 days ago
    Healing comes in all forms. I too took that step as well and I am so glad to allow me the time for self love. I pray all goes well with you. You are a remarkable man, and feel blessed for that.
    1289 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. The most important thing you can ever do for yourself is admit you need help and then get it.
    1289 days ago
    this is the biggest success of your life. don't doubt it for a second. i have always believed that things come to us when we are ready and able to handle them. you have finally arrived after so many years of work at the place where you can stand face to face with this and not blink. i am so happy and proud for you.
    all the best.
    1289 days ago
    One step at a time! May The Lord richly bless you, guide you , and ultimately be the Healing One and Comforter of your soul. The Lord said " do not be afraid; I have overcome the world."
    1289 days ago
    After I read your most recent blog, I decided to read your older ones... Let me just say, that there is a reason they give those doctors all that training and a degree, and it is because they are needed - by you, by me, and by most of us at some point or another. Keep that spark burning within you!
    1290 days ago
    You are awesome. You are inspirational. You are obviously strong, even when at your weakest. But even better, you are far from perfect. ME TOO! *laughing* By living in the "I need to be perfect zone" that so many want to live in - people tend to implode at some point.

    I'm proud of your accomplishments and proud of your honesty. You rock!
    1290 days ago
    DUDE! I hear ya! I'm VERY independent as well and really want to do this weight loss thing on my own. But after six years here at Spark, currently basically starting from scratch -- AGAIN -- perhaps the time has come for me to seek assistance too. I've been to counseling before (not for out-of-control eating), and it was a great experience, so I'm not sure why I'm putting it off now. And trust me, all that work you've been doing will inform the insights you gain from counseling. They'll guide you towards realizations about yourself that are hard to see from the inside. They provide perspective. They help things *click* in your mind. They nudge you in a positive direction. They shine a light so you can see your own mind, and what was once so elusive becomes so dang obvious. You are ahead of the game because of all the self awareness work you've already done. I just know this is going to be a really good experience for you. It's easy to avoid counseling, it takes great strength to seek it out. You're Superman.
    1291 days ago
  • v AMY_1217
    Robert, you're one of the most inspirational people I know. This does NOT make you weak! If anything, it makes you stronger. You know where your hurdles are, and instead of saying you can't jump them, you utilize every tool accessible to clear them. Yes, this is probably one of the hardest things you'll do. But will it be worth it in the end? You already know the answer to that or you wouldn't be going.
    Stay strong and know that there are others out there, me included, facing those hurdles. You have all the love and support you could possibly need, right here on this site, to overcome your misgivings and DO THIS!!!
    Again, so glad to have met you and so darn proud!
    1291 days ago
    I am proud of you! Most people or men for that matter won't admit that they need help. You are stronger than your letting on! I believe in you and I will always support you in whatever you do. We've been friends far too long! I love you hun.
    1291 days ago
    It takes strength to recognize we sometimes need to ask for help.

    Good for you!

    1292 days ago
  • v BMCKEOW1
    It takes such courage to ask for help. There is no shame in it. Like many people said you go to the doctor when your sick, sometimes the mental just needs a little work to. Sports players have coaches who help make them better players, shrinks help people the same way. It's not a weakness it's about help you be the best you.
    1293 days ago
    Great plan.

    1293 days ago
    my friend you have reached a new level of your wellness. You were not ready before, your path has led you to this spot. Go forth and be the best you, you can be.
    1293 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/7/2013 12:05:18 AM
  • v SPSPSP1
    Good for you! Think of your clinician simply as a coach guiding you. You're still the one taking the steps!
    1293 days ago
    One step at a time. If this is the next step in your journey, then take it you must.
    1294 days ago
  • v KIPPER15
    Admitting that you need help and asking for it is the hardest part. You are stronger than you think. Getting on track is great. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says "Normal is just a cycle on your washing machine." Find yourself, you are normal. emoticon
    1294 days ago
    I completely understand what you are going through. I also have anxiety and depression. I was put on medication for it and had the hardest time because, like you, I hated that I had to rely on a pill to feel 'normal'. However, I changed my attitude about it. I stopped viewing it as a way to be 'normal'. Whenever our bodies are physically sub par, such as an illness or a broken bone, we go to the doctor. It makes sense. Well, when we go to the doctor we are put on cold meds to feel 'normal' again. We don't hesitate to get our physical health checked out. Shouldn't it be the same way with our mental health? Just like our physical health, it's a large part of how we live. I don't think you're weak at all by going to see a counselor. I see one regularly and she is the best thing to ever happen to me. You're not a failure. You are simply becoming the healthiest you can be.
    1294 days ago
    It takes strength to be honest and admit you need help. Proud of you.
    1294 days ago
    You are very strong to ask for help! Congrats on taking that step and things will get better. I also read the self help books and resisted going to the psychologist because my family always talked bad about that. For the 1st visit, I wanted to run out of the office! I spent 3 years in counseling and added reiki with it. Not sure if you are comfortable with someone's hands on you that you don't know but it is energy healing and really helped me. You are right about dealing with the issues to move further in your weight loss. Go get em, you can do it!!!
    1294 days ago
    The day I went to my doctor and asked if she believed in binge eating disorder was the day I saved my life.
    She sent me to a shrink and the shrink put me on medication and I was able to turn my life around.
    I'm not seeing a shrink anymore-(but I do have my Pastor on speed dial)- and I was able to get off the medication, and with the help of sparks and all the wonderful people who have answered my distress blogs, I am on my way to making it.
    You are very strong (even if you think you're not) and this is just a little bump in the road to help you get your thoughts in order and help you regroup and refocus,and you'll be reaching you goals in no time!
    Even if it takes longer than you think, so what?
    Take the time you need!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1294 days ago
    It takes a strong person to do what you're doing. My 17 year old son suffers from anxiety and depression (heavy on the anxiety part) and has gone to a counselor for 2-1/2 years now, and was also placed on an anxiety/depression med about a year ago. That has truly been a lifesaver for him. I am wishing you the very best, and hope you will be able to get comfort and relief through the steps you are taking. {{{hugs}}}
    1294 days ago
    Very, very strong!! I am very proud of you!
    1295 days ago
    You're taking such a positive step. Good for you. Needing help and going for it doesn't make you weak. It shows how strong you really are. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1295 days ago
  • v GARDEN1027
    My Dr. said that getting to the office was the hardest part. Good for you :)
    1295 days ago
  • v REENIE131
    Thank you for sharing that, and good luck to you.
    1295 days ago
    I am struggling too and i have been considering seeking counseling. I have a great deal of childhood issues, but most of what holds me back is very recent. I just haven't gotten strong enough to do it yet...
    1296 days ago
    I am proud of you! Counceling is hard and definately not for the faint-of-heart - but it DOESN"T make you a failure or anything like that. You can do this!
    1296 days ago
  • v CANDOSUE52

    I LOVE your blog. I am rooting for you.
    1296 days ago
    Congratulations for taking the steps you need. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to seek help. Wishing you all the best!
    1296 days ago
    It sounds to me that you are starting off the new year in a powerful, strong way. Congrats on your decision to face things head on. You are strong and you can do this!

    1296 days ago
  • v SHELBY897
    Admitting you need help doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are intelligent and have the strength to ask for help to take control of things that you can't control on your own.

    I wish you the best of luck and there isn't a single person out there would couldn't benefit from counseling.
    1296 days ago
    Robert, Needing help is not a weakness. We all need help in one way or another. A psychologist can only help you learn other ways of thinking. We're here for you.
    1296 days ago
    I'm reading this late. I too struggled with severe depression 2 years ago. There is a light. You can get out. Good for you. Medication gave me time to get my head back in. I now take nothing. But it was what I needed when I needed it. I am so proud of you for seeking help. Needing help is not weak. Being unwilling to receive help is.
    1296 days ago
    My grandfather, one of the people I admire most in the world as a real hero, often said that a strong man is one who isn't afraid to admit weakness. I think you're taking a brave step and hope it helps.
    1296 days ago
  • v ZIGGY7611
    While you may have doubts about yourself, this decision shows just how STRONG you really are! Be proud of yourself for facing your fears. That kind of strength is hard to come by!
    1296 days ago
    Thanks for sharing your story. The biggest step is admitting you need help and getting it. From reading your post and all of your support I thing your going to do fine.

    1296 days ago
    "STRONG" comes in many forms.

    To me, strong is being able to go get what you need instead of being afraid to show that you need something.

    Well done! I hope you gain what you seek!

    1297 days ago
    I used to think I could take care of everything myself. Anything less was a sign of weakness. "My Way" and I wandered right into morbid obesity and intense unhappiness.

    What many people don't realize is how much STRENGTH it takes to ask for help. Admitting that I couldn't do it all has been so incredibly freeing for me.

    To me, this journey is not just physical. It's emotional and spiritual. When one point of the triangle isn't strong, my health goes downhill.

    Getting the help I need is one more way to show that I love myself. I DESERVE to be happy, and so do you. Good luck. emoticon
    1297 days ago
  • v JOYCRN
    This isn't the easy way out-it's going to be a lot of work! emoticon
    1297 days ago
  • v TERRIJ7
    I know this was a difficult decision for you--I can tell by the way your wrote your blog--but tell me...if you had a big boil on your butt that made it impossible to sit, stand, or function in any normal capacity, wouldn't you go to the doctor and have the thing lanced? Yes, you would have to expose your bum, and yes, it would hurt like a sonuvagun to get the painful core out so it could heal; but, then life could be great.

    You've made the right decision for your health journey. Once you expose the core of the painful boil, the wound will heal--but not until.

    Many blessings to you, Terri
    1297 days ago
  • v PIXIEMOM13
    Robert, you are one of the most amazing and strong people its been my pleasure to know. To reach out for help has got to be one of the hardest things to do, but look at you...and look at all of the responses you are getting!!!

    1297 days ago
  • v JT_GMOTU
    Did you ever watch Star Trek --The Next Generation? Deanna Troi was the Counselor on the Ship...A listener committed to hearing the issues of a person, and working WITH them. I found that "position" to be an enlightned version of my own support system.

    Years ago, I met with a Psychiatrist, and for a year I was on SSRI's to handle my depression. At the time, it was what I needed. I had a listener who I paid to hear what was going on with me...and to see if I was spinning mysef into never-ending pits of despair...and counting on her to let me know if my thoughts were "questionable" (whether in my mind or from what she saw/heard).

    You will be meeting with a person who is committed to your health and wellbeing. Someone automatically in YOUR corner. What a wonderful thing.
    We can't ALWAYS do it alone. Sometimes our friends can be of help. But sometimes it is valuable to have that committed listener...outside our circle of friends/family/coworkers. Hope you find the silver lining in the clouds here.

    Jodie in AZ
    1297 days ago
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