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Recent truth...the HARD thing is almost always the RIGHT thing!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Boy oh boy...
What a stressful, but never the less rewarding trip back to my motherland of Iowa for Christmas holiday!

In all honesty I really DID NOT want to go on this trip at ALL! Well, maybe a little bit hoping to see snow and experience Christmas the way it really should be enjoyed all soft, white, and frozen. it's been literally years and years since we've had a white Christmas living in sub tropical Florida..the home of crazed house decorations and stobe light Palm trees.

It's just way too easy to walk out in your Bermuda shorts with an umbrella drink in your hand and decorate the premises..I've never seen such gaudy displays of Chritmas decor pha~pahs! emoticon the Christmas lights in frozen Iowa deserve first class awards! Now there's some true dedicated decorating prowess...frost bitten fingers, chapped lips and ALL!

We'd drive by some awesome homes all lit up and I'd clap and cheer for the hearty and determined inhabitants! emoticon Seriously some were so good I wanted to go up and knock on their door and give them a 'frozen perserverance Christmas decoration house award!

But this Christmas trip was important to my hubs because his mother would be celebrating her 86th birthday on Christmas Day...she has been having a fewproblems the last year and we thought ..oh my gosh if something were to happen..we would never forgive ourselves if we did't at least ATTEMPT to make her 86th birthday happy. ATTEMPT being a keyword here..let me tell you after almost 35 years of marital exposure to this little lady..there is ALWAYS something she will find dis-favor with...always!

I've become immune to it..you really have to. Hubs says that's just the way SHE is..so I pace myself with short intervals and put my foot down after I've had my 'Shirley quota' and it seems to work the best way it can. She gets to spend time with her son, I get to honor my husband by letting him honor his momma..warts and all...and no one kills anyone.

Which you would agree would be entirely tacky during the Christmas holiday.

It's really true you teach people how to treat you. I won't be intimidated by a whiner and a whaler...not at this age in my life..but getting to this philosophy took me WAY longer than it should..i always demurred to her craziness at the appearance of being rude. Good manners mean nothing to in-laws that know they can bully and intimate their poor well meaning relatives...remember..YOU teach people how to treat you. Go for the no nonsense approach..hard at first but redeemingly satisfying in the end. It worked out well for me this time. Even if I had to do a bit of 'what will she find to pin on me..if I do this instead of this' brainstorming. I was feeling VERY Sherlock Holmes by the end of the time spent back in Iowa.

I did plenty of soul searching and second guessing myself about trying to make contact with my 43 year old daughter who has had a lifetime of struggling with drugs.

It took such a piece out of my heart and soul I had to distance myself from her for a few years. After doing absolutely everything I could to help her in my uninformed and ignorant ways of tackling her demons..I gave up waiving the white flag of pure self-preservation!

There does come the point of loved ones devouring their own if you let them. I still had her younger by 13 years brother to protect. So I had to literally step back and and let go..and let God. It's truly a miracle that she is still here today.

I wrestled with myself on trying to track her down on this visit, would I be horrified once again? Would I go through the 'where did I go SO wrong beat up game against myself again?

Or would I be able to console her and hug her and cheer her on for the progress she is grippling with..the life line of living?

It was a big risk and a huge gamble but I thought if I was strong enough to deal with a SIL and aMIL who have made it very clear just how repugnant I am to THEM..and how much that attitude has hurt me..I certainly needed to 'BUCK UP' to lend a hand of love and acceptance to my own flesh and blood! I knew that love would always be the right answer

There is nothing I can think of in this world that could be more hurtful than the denial of your birth mother cutting you off.

Yep BIG BIG revelations came from this frozen Iowa trip!

I got to sooth a prodigal daughters struggling heart and assure her I love her and will always love her but I won't watch her fall and die to the demon devil of drugs. She is regulated on her meds now and I pray she can hold herself on the good path she is now on.

I got to pace myself with my sweet hubs assistance and take his mom in the small doses I can handle without becoming pissed off at him for. Making ridiculous excuses for her 'forever, bad behavior toward me over our many many uneasy years, still honoring him and his need to be the good son that he is.

It's all good..and Bobbi is back where she needs to be..her beloved Florida....better off for the lessons she learned on her snowy Christmas experience.

Be your own person, be as kind as you can, and look for the lesson. The HARDEST choice is usually the RIGHT choice! Amen...I did good!! emoticon

Snowflakes falling on my nose!

My guy...he makes me a better human~oid!!


My childhood home..my mother lived there for over 50 some years before we brought her down to FL.

The hubs childhood home..he moved around a LOT..but this is always the house he wants to take a pic of..so must have held happy memories for him.

Definitely have got my snow fix for a good long time to come! emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The title of your blog caught my eye, I was relating it to something trivial I was thinking of.
    When I read of your experiences with relatives I could relate to it. Sometimes we cannot win with someone ,usually an in law! They are not going to have a sudden conversion, we have to make the choices , accept the situation and get on with our lives , I have tried hard with one In law I have cried enough tears sometimes we have to give up. You dealt with your problem very well I see it as their loss not mine.
    Meantime back to trivialities... My hard choice is can I dump an opened box of chocolates which I m trying hard to resist . I put them in the freezer , maybe you did not know frozen chocolates are wonderful! The right thing to do is hard! Ree
    1900 days ago
    You are a stronger person than me! Good for you for knowing your limits!
    My DH & I broke up our marriage, because of his father! He was a emotional brute & DH would never stand up to him, for me. (He was afraid of him, too!)

    We are back together, I love his Mom, My Mom loves him, & his father is resting very comfortableby in the hands of God! (He repented on his death bed, of course) Long story... but you get the idea!

    GREAT FOR YOU FOR GOING & realizing when people are taking your power & when to call it back! You ARE an inspiration!
    *~LIGHT emoticon
    1900 days ago
    I am glad you got to see your daughter - what a heart break. I'm struggling with this one and cannot add much. Boundaries are difficult, and I've had to learn that the hard way.
    1902 days ago
    You're amazing, Bobbi! You know how I feel about toxic people, family or not, but I like they way your mind works! emoticon
    1904 days ago
    Glad you were able to find peace and accomplish what you set out to on this trip. You put the olive branch out to your daughter and hope it works out. And i agree at a certain point in your life you are tired of letting people walk all over you. And i thnk since losing Justin my hubby and i are done putting up with all the BS. I just want some peace and calm on this journey. emoticon emoticon
    1905 days ago
    Glad you made it home safely. I know what you mean about how people treat you which is why I finally just wrote my siblings out of my life. Aside from them asking what stuff of mom's I have and them wanting it back, I haven't seen them since her funeral and don't plan to.
    1905 days ago
    I'm glad your back home and that your trip ended on a bit of an upbeat note. You are so right about teaching others how to treat you! I hope that this means that she has started to try to turn her life around. Glad you planted some seed of hope in her and let her know that you still love her. I hope that you will be able to have more of a relationship with her in the future!

    1905 days ago
    I'm glad you made it through your trip and you were able to spend some time with your daughter. It sounds like it went well even though it was very hard.

    Wish me luck...I'm off to visit my mother in a couple of minutes!

    1905 days ago
    I am glad that you were able to visit your daughter and that you're back home in sunny Florida.
    I assume your daughter lives in Iowa.
    1906 days ago
    Loved your description of the Christmas Decorations. About 20 years ago we decorated our house to the hilt and on Christmas Eve there was a knock on the door. This little boy was standing there with a hand written "certificate" which had a dime taped to us. He told us that we had won the decorating award!! He had looked at all the houses and like ours best. That is one memory I will always cherish.

    So glad you made the effort to see your daughter. I'm sure that was very good for both of you.

    1906 days ago
    The snow is gorgeous! Love all the great photos! I'll be praying for you and your daughter. You planted the seed of hope and love and these are such great gifts for the 2012 Christmas Season. May your relationship continue to nurture and grow. Hug, hug -- Evelyn
    1906 days ago
    1906 days ago
  • SHEL_V2
    It is inspiring how you center yourself for these trips to see the MIL, and really work to keep the goals in mind. Just leaving Florida for snow might put many of us in a "why me?" mood.
    1906 days ago
    I am very glad this trip was somewhat better. And very glad you saw your daughter. It was the right thing for you. never give up on her. I know you won't. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1906 days ago
    Bobbi, you are a very wise lady with the way you have done all that you have done just by letting love and respect of yourself and others lead and guide you.

    Yes and Amen to the wisdom of love and forgiveness and then you even get to go back home to warmth and sunshine and kiss the beautiful snow and ice good bye emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Happy New Year to you and yours
    1906 days ago
    Glad you got to see your daughter.

    Yes, we do teach people how to treat us. I think I'm finally coming to that realization myself. I have always "taken the high road" and have been polite to rude people for the sake of "keeping the peace", but you're right about how much those rude people can hurt us, and that sort of hurt isn't peaceful at all.
    1906 days ago
    Glad you are safe and sound in Fla. Sounds like your trip was beneficial for everyone.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1906 days ago
    Thanks Bobbi. My aha moment for the day was when I read, "YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU." Gotta' work on this with my 22 year old son.

    I'll be in FL in April, only for a week, but I can't wait to complain about being too warm.


    Mary Ann
    1906 days ago
    i would love to live where snow is scarce. but colorado is variable on that note. some years you live on skis on the plains, some years snow drops once or twice. I can definitely do without the cold.
    1906 days ago
    OMG NO!!!!! after my response to the last few blogs about similariities in MIL.... you said Shirley is her name??? NO way NO way can they both have the same name and same traits. OMG too funny.
    Glad you are home and also that you got to talk to your daughter and she is doing better.

    HUGS btw lol my mils middle name is Anne lol
    1906 days ago
    1906 days ago
  • DS9KIE
    well girl, you did it, you survived your Christmas trip...with the inlaws, your daughter, and the snow... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1906 days ago
    Bobbi, You did better than Good you did what was right for you and your family. You are awesome! Love, Kristan
    1906 days ago
    Haha. I can relate to the mixed feeling of snow. I lived in central Oregon for 13 years and we had lots of snow. I love the quietness that a snowfall creates, I love how everything looks so clean, Yes, the Christmas Lights are beautiful.

    I am so thankful to be where we get rain instead of snow. I want to go out and get in my car without the ice scraping frenzy. I have to say, they do a wonderful job on the Christmas lights here as well. We had a nice cozy fire for Christmas.
    1906 days ago
    Good job maintaining those boundaries, Bobbi. If you don't, who will?

    - Barb (one state to the West of Iowa)
    1906 days ago
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