Sunday, December 30, 2012
First off, I need to say that I accept full responsibility for my physical size and I acknowledge that in this society there will always be certain obstacles as a direct result of that size. I don't expect anyone to make life easier by making exceptions or changing the way they do things to benefit me.
That being said, I really need to vent about my shopping ordeal yesterday. Yes, I can find plenty of clothes online, but I don't think I should be relegated to shopping from the "comfort and safety" of my own home just because I am a size 24.
I am in the process of trying to change jobs since I am in a pretty much dead-end situation with my present employer. I am grateful to have the job, but feel that the time has come for me to move on. Since I currently work in a casual environment (to compensate for reduced staffing and benefits, every day is casual Friday), I have mostly casual pants and shirts. That will not fly with a job search, so with my Christmas money I went in search of an interview suit (a/k/a power suit). I did see a few that I liked online, but I would prefer to be able to try on a suit before comitting any money.
I visited one of the upscale department stores that did have some options online and headed to the upstairs rear corner, where most of these stores seem to feel that plus-sized women belong. After searching through the "women's sizes" for a fair amount of time, I was dismayed at the lack of career appropriate apparel. After asking the salesperson in that area if they had business suits for "women's" sizes I was directed to the suit department. I looked at rack after rack of suits in this area - none larger than a 16, After the cashier in the suit department directed to a third salesperson to ask if they stocked suits in "women's" sizes, I was told that they did not have the room in the store to stock those items.
No room - not even for one rack of basic black suits? Is it possible that I am the only plus-size woman in South Florida looking for a business suit? I felt so worthless as I left the sotre - I was so angry and hurt after this experience - they placed so little value on the plus-sized womn (a/k/a me) as a customer that they couldn't stock a simple, basic item.
I felt humiliated and imagined that everyone I passed on the mall could not only sense my rejection, but somehow approved of it (all in my head, but that is how I felt at the moment). I can't wave a magic wand and suddenly be a normal size, so setbacks like this will continue to happen, and no matter how much I try to tell myself that I am so much more than my physical self, words like shame and unworthy pop into my head.
I must take a good hard look at how much effort I have put into improving my overall well-being and realize the effort has been exceedingly low - again I take full responsiblity for that.
I need a pep-talk - words of advice and motivation to help me get started in earnest and keep going the next time I hit a roadblock like this one that wreaks havoc on my mental state.