Sunday, December 30, 2012
Story of my life. i get excited and all swept up with motivation, only to frizzle out after a few weeks... and slipping and sliding back even further than I've been.
Given, the past two years has not been easy. We had a change of management at the school I worked at (yes, worked), that made my life a living hell. For quite a few reasons. His wife terrorised me (yes the headmaster employed his wife at the same school) and hated my guts (as if I had any). It took a helluva lot of surviving, doggy paddling just to stay afloat.
Long story short, I lost my job last year December, lost my place of residence and had to move my whole family to another town. DH had to give up HIS day job since travelling would've costed him more than the salary was worth, and the only residence we could find was with a generous family member opening her home to us.
Almost a year later I finally found a job, which barely pays enough to cover our bills (by the Grace of God something always came our way to earn some loose cash to at least have food in our house and pay our car - so glad we didnt lose that!)
And of course, I fell back into my old habits. Never mind my old habits of stress eating, but without a job, feeling depressed and despondent with no perceivable goal to get up in the morning, my weight escalated - no exercise. And my body grew heavier, weaker and I just didn't have the energy to care.
I feel bad for being so easily influenced by outside forces, for not trusting the same God who carried us through, and for folding so easily. I feel bad for losing motivation and confidence and drive so easily. Its something I guess I have to work at.
But hey - losing your job is right next to losing a family member to death they say - I looked it up. I never felt so ripped apart, useless, dead, abused, used, kaput, drained, lifeless and shredded to bits EVER.
Well I started a new job as a science and maths tutor. Still working with kids, much less pressure, less hours and after-hours responsibilities, but so much more baggage I'm forced to carry around. Ugh I know if i can only slim down, I'll start feeling energetic again, my knees and feet won't hurt anymore doing normal daily chores, and I might just have the energy again to get my veggie garden going - something my knees, back and feet will definitely not allow me right now.
We went for our first weekend away EVER since married as a family... and I couldnt even properly enjoy it. It was in a beautiful bushveld area, in the mountains of South Africa (yes I'm a South African). There were so many possibilities of hiking routes, seeing the stars at night, hearing the sun beetles between the reeds at the river, looking down on everything from the crest of the mountain... and I couldn't do even one. We ventured onto a short little walk towards the river... and my feet hurt so much afterwards that a week after I can barely stand for half an hour without severe pain.
This has to stop. Somehow.
How? I have no idea.