Sunday, December 30, 2012
Ok, I'm a bit behind on my daily updates. Friday was okay. I did go to the gym and count calories for most of the day. The only thing I didn't really count was Starbucks, because I was too lazy to check online for the NI. I had an apple cider and a cookie. Acknowledged that the calories were probably fairly high, and moved on. Enjoyed some time out with friends on Friday night (at Starbucks).
Yesterday was my baby's 2nd birthday!! I cannot believe it. I honestly feel like it was yesterday that I found out I was even pregnant. I was horrified and so upset that day, I never wanted kids, least of all at 23 and unmarried. Now, I would never change a thing. I cannot imagine loving anyone the way I love my son, I adore him, he is the sun that my world revolves around. Being his mother is the best gift that life has ever bestowed upon me.
And, after a day free of calorie-counting yesterday, I am even more determined today to get to a healthy weight and live a fit, active, and healthy life. My son deserves a mother who is healthy, energetic, and happy, and I owe it to him to teach him how to be healthy. Childhood obesity is my worst fear for my children, even though they're not, currently, at risk. Chloe is the size of a 2 year old, she is just very petite, as her mother is. Spencer is totally within the normal range for his age- just about middle of the road. Perfection. And Joe and I are not morbidly obese nor do we follow insanely unhealthy habits. However, it's still a concern. I never want my children to experience the stigmas I felt as a somewhat chubby child. Never want them to have to sit in a high school classroom thinking "I'm the biggest girl in class." Never want them to feel like the "fat friend."
I still feel these stigmas. I still compare myself to others. I still feel like the ugly duckling in a room full of swans. I missed so many experiences because the emotions attached to my weight held me back. Didn't date as much as I could, even though there was interest, because of my weight. Didn't take as many pictures of times I wish I could remember, because I didn't want photographic proof of my weight. Haven't laughed, loved, or lived as much as I could have because of my weight. Am a worse wife and mother because I have such a negative outlook on life- because of my weight. When I think of my life, I don't see any accomplishments. I don't feel like a married, 26 year old mother with a respected lead position at work. I feel like a child, lost at sea, and desperately hoping for a savior.
I need to be my own savior. I cannot get back the years or experiences I have lost or missed. But I can make sure that I do not miss any more. Weight is just a number, but it's a number that has defined me, and I don't want that life anymore. I'm not saying I'm not going to weigh myself, or let that number keep me accountable. I'll never be someone who throws the scale away. I need the numbers to anchor me to my reality- to when I've gained, and lost. But I won't let it define me. I am done.