Sunday, December 30, 2012
This has been a huge year of change for me in many ways, more mental and emotional than anything. October of this year was the 11th anniversary of my mothers passing. Her death came four months to the day after my aunt's passing. It's significant for me because i carry both of their names. Their middle names.
It's also significant because I have not fully mourned their passing. I've meandered on since then trying a little bit of this and a little bit of that, but since that time I have lost my aim in life and my belief in the way that things are supposed to work.
What this has lead me to do, is to question everything that I thought I knew. My relationship to myself, my family, my career, hobbies and so on. I will write about it.
I usually talk about how things are fine and they are, because that is the response that I was taught to give from a young age. It's polite, it's appropriate, and a very southern way of dealing with things.
But the truth is that things are not always fine which is why I eat. As a young girl and woman I was very, very skinny. I'd dare say underweight and it was natural. I grew up in a family where I was under a lot of stress and not a lot of time for my feelings. So I learned to eat them. Sweet to make me feel better when I was sad and salty/crispy to deal with my anger.
It was all great. when I was younger because I walked everywhere. I entered college at 123 lbs and immediately lost five of them. I wasn't used to eating cafeteria food. But in a dateless, friendless, cold, impersonal campus/world, I returned to my best friend food. My freshman year, I gained a total of 30 lbs. I discovered 3 for $5 pints of ice cream and my feelings melted as I ate it. Eventually, I rode my bike and lost some of the weight, but on my first job, I gained another 70 lbs. On my next jobs, I gained another 40 lbs or so.
I remember being so big that I could hardly walk up the flight of stairs at work without becoming breathless. I had headaches every day. I was depressed.
It got worse after my last job in 2001. That year my mom died, my aunt died, my boyfriend (now husband) had open heart surgery, and I left my job because of an injury. What hurt at that time is that I loved that job, loved who I was in that job, made more money than I knew what to do with and felt that everything in my life was coming together. Losing the job so closely after my mom's passing hurt because I gave so much to this company and they treated me badly. The irony was that I loved my work and was looking forward to a long future with the company.
I felt like I had lost my anchor. I realize that my weight is one symptom of my loss from that year. But the truth is that my weight issue started long before I gained all of those pounds. I was unhealthy at 123 lbs and had some bad eating tendencies (the habits hadn't been started yet). So my weight now is just a result of a lot of things. My relationship with food started back when I was a kid. As I explore, feel, deal with my feelings I expect that my weight will go back to normal, for now I realize that I stuff my feeling with food so that I don't have to deal with them.
That's all for now.