Saturday, December 29, 2012
I finally made it to Seattle, arrived on Christmas Day. My house back in KY is finally up for rent. Is my life perfect now? No, but still, I'm trying to adjust and figure out a plan for what's next.
In the past I've always moved for a job or a degree program. So I've moved with a start date, a target for a place to live (close to work) and a circle of friends associated with the new activity. Here, I'm sort of in limbo. I'm here, but I don't have a plan. I don't know what I am going to do next or even what I want to do. So much has happened this past year, I haven't really had time to think about it and now I sort of don't know where to start. I am not even for sure if I will stay in Seattle long term - a lot depends on how I handle winter.
I've unpacked my things from the car and started organizing them in my sister's house. I do want my own place, but without a job, I can't really buy a house or know what location I need my place to be in. So perhaps the next step is figuring out what I want to do for a career. Making some new goals and a plan.
Complicating matters, I think this place may be exacerbating the seasonal depression I suspected I had before. I noticed there is an hour less of daylight each day, and, traditional Seattle winters, the days are mostly grey and drizzly - not a lot of sun to boot. I came prepared though with my light therapy light - as well as my dawn simulator - so I am going to see if those things help. I am very tired and have been going to bed sometimes as early as 6:30 or 7 pm. I am having carb cravings - esp chocolate - and I don't feel like exercising or doing things I normally enjoy.
It may be the SAD or it may be the fact that this is the first time I've slowed down in a long time, so perhaps my body is decompressing. I don't even know, for example, if I fully dealt with my Dad's passing... I just threw myself into working on his house and my house and everything else without thinking about it. I found myself crying over the loss yesterday for the first time in a while.
I took a "stressful life events" test, which tests your stress level and susceptibility to illness based on life events over the past 1-2 years. It said over 300 is high stress and high susceptibility to illness. Well, I scored a 720. And there were some things that I have experienced, like the stalking, that are high stress but not common enough to show up on the chart, so were not counted.
I stopped running a couple of weeks ago because I felt like it was wearing me out more. I want to start running again, perhaps it would help with my energy levels now that I am doing less in general, but I'm still afraid it would wear me down more. I'm just so tired all the time.
I am going to try to use the light therapy and see if it helps. Also, go running, easier said than done when my body just doesn't feel like doing much. You guys know this isn't me. I know this isn't me. I don't know if it will change with time and more rest or ? At the same time, I can't continue eating and sitting around all the time. At least it's just been a few days, but I don't want that to stretch out. I bought some new jeans today, I am still a size 4 but... barely. Things need to start moving forward.
If those things don't work, I may start taking the over the counter supplement SAM-E again. This had helped with a mild depression I had when stuck in a dead-end job before for over 2 years. I finally was able to stop taking it a year or so again. I would rather not take it, but if it would give me some more energy and focus, I suppose I should do so.
Well, that's my update for now. I wish it could be more of WHOO I AM IN SEATTLE rather than, hey, I'm in Seattle, but that's where I'm at for now. Hope all is well with everyone out there!