Saturday, December 29, 2012
It has been a very cold day, and all I really wanted to do was stay all cuddled up in my PJ's. I didn't get to do that, since we went over to see my mother this afternoon. It was very difficult for me at times with my dad there, not sure how to handle the emotions I was feeling. My mother is what you could give the title of "food pusher", and there were times today she tried. I was so proud of myself because with my emotions running so "HIGH" I normally would have given in to her attempts to feed me, but I didn't! (yay!)
My husband sat staring out the window watching the snow falling, never talking to my dad. He's still so very angry for his HORRIBLE outburst a couple months ago, and rightly so. His love for me is evident in the fact that he was willing to go over with our daughter and son to spend time with my mom. I missed her so much through the Christmas holiday I spent hours in tears. I love my mom so much!
I know there are so many more miles of this journey to recovery from the abuse I have yet to travel, but in the past 6 months I can see how far I've already come. I've always made excuses, and allowed my dad to continually verbally and emotionally abuse me for 40 years. Then God sent my best friend who started drilling into my mind that how my dad treats me is NOT normal behavior, and telling me over and over that I'm not a failure nor worthless. I was so emotionally beaten down, I would just allow it to go on and on, leaving in tears and curling up in my bed when not working. Food always where I'd turn for comfort.
Not anymore! I'm learning one day at a time to overcome the abuse. Lots of prayer, and lots of reprogramming. I can't lie and say I didn't feel extreme moments of anxiety sitting there with dad even talking to mom more than him. There were times my breath would leave my body, and I'd have to remind myself to breathe. I pressed through it. I want a relationship with my mother, she needs me. She too is suffering the effects of dad's controlling and abusive personality.
Now that I'm home, I'm now relaxing just like I wanted to do all day! :)