Saturday, December 29, 2012
Today is one of those days where everything inside of me is screaming. And I don't just mean yelling, I mean screaming to the point of losing all capability of making sound. Bawling, thrashing. These days are soo weird for me. It's like I'm not even present. I'm soo caught up in the loud internal commentary that I can't escape. I'm watching memories like I'm in third person. I'm watching and screaming at both myself and my ex. I want to be held tightly by someone who cares, but at the same time just want to push them away, and drown in my hurt. What makes everything worse is the person that I want to be the one holding me.
I know well enough to know that I can't cram 6 years of being mistreated by my ex and a lifetime of hurt from my childhood, into 6 months of healing. As much as I would like to be ok. It's not an everyday thing, but somedays it's just excruciatingly painful. I'm screaming at him for treating me the way he did, I'm screaming at myself for allowing it all to happen, for not realizing things sooner. For not seeing things clearly. I know I can't change the past, but it's sometimes indulging in the pain to keep it from happening again in the future. Which is kinda where I'm at now. Some of the things going on with Jake are brining some of the hurt to the surface. It's not the same but it unearths the same feelings. I know it's not because he doesn't care, I know it's because he works a lot but I barely get to see him. Or talk to him for that matter. I feel like the connection is waning because we don't get a chance to connect anymore. So it leaves me internally screaming at him. It brings up the old feelings of "why am I not enough?" Why can't I chose a guy that want's to be with me all the time, instead of it being the other way around.
I realize that's not accurate, but it's hard when I have guys lined up at the door waiting for him to fail. Guys that would love for me to care about them as much as I do him. Problem is, they aren't him. Worse I guess, is the fact that there is a guy that's making it soo much more difficult. He's not doing anything to get me to break up with Jake, we just have been naturally gravitating towards each other. Now I'm not stupid, I know that it's a dangerous situation. I would never cheat on Jake. I would never want to hurt him like that. In all reality it's not as simple as I want to be with this other guy. I do like him, but I want Jake to be what I need.
So here's my internal conflict, on one hand there's this guy, whom I have a connection with and wants the same things I do, then on the other hand there is Jake, whom I love but barely has time to send a simple txt let alone see me. And here I am wanting to scream at Jake, Tell him to wake up and shape up or else he's gonna lose me. I know on some levels it's wrong staying with Jake, it's like the other stuff, trying to fit myself into a mold when I'm not the "right" shape. It's not enough to love someone sometimes.
So it's one of those days where it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm not going to feel any better. I'm going to feel like I don't belong. I'm going to feel like I'm not enough. And that it's taking every ounce of my strength to just keep it together. And I know the second it's "Ok" to fall apart I won't be able to. It's when the emptiness is too much to bear. It's when no matter how much I will someone to txt me, and ask how I'm doing so I can pour it all out is when, not a single person will contact me. And I'm waging a war of whether or not I even want to talk to anyone. I want to be stuck at a gym instead of work so I can work out soo hard that it's all I can do not to take a nap after. To be soo exhausted I can't feel any of it.
I don't beat myself up on a regular basis. I'm not miserable on a regular basis. It's just a wave that will crash into me and leave on it's own. It's like a storm one that comes on with out warning and will thrash about but then leave a rainbow in it's wake.
As much as I have healed and come along way, there's been a huge change in my emotions. I feel like I feel them with more intensity than I used to. And I don't know if it's because I'm not trying to push them down anymore? I'm not trying to surpress them. I just let them come and wash over me. It definitly leaves me open to crying at random moments.
I know it will pass soon enough, but until it does I'll just hold on tight and ride it out.