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starting over, starting over, starting over

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I feel like this is a recurring blog post for me. I disappear for 6 months or so, then come back and make an "I'm back!" blog post admitting how things have slipped further and setting out my goals for the weeks to come.

I started on spark in January 2009 weighing 224lbs, then lost lots of weight that year, gained a bit back the next and the next. I re-started on spark last January 2012 weighing 224lbs again and although the past year has brought losses it has ended in gains and once more I find myself starting yet another January at 224lbs!

I have lots I could say about what I have learnt, or analyse how things went wrong, or how I plan to 'get back on track' but it wouldn't be anything I haven't said before.

Mostly I feel ashamed of myself for putting all that weight back on. I don't often come on spark because I see my old 'successful' spark page staring at me and taunting me with images of my slimmer happier self.

I don't like wallowing in self-pity but that is how I feel. I truly believe that gaining or losing weight is an extremely complex process, more so than I could ever have imagined. It's not that losing weight is hard, it's not, it's really really simple, but long term losing HUGE amounts of weight and keeping it off is complicated. There is balancing what to eat, how much to eat, whether to listen to your body and hunger cues, or stick to a prescribed plan. Do you cut carbs, fats, sugars, or none of the above. Should you snack through the day, eat small regular meals, or 3 main meals with no extras. I have read a LOT about weight loss, diets, foods, nutrition, health and all that goes with it. I have tried calorie counting, reducing carbs, eating a paleo style diet, exercising and a whole host of other not so healthy methods. Yet here I am 4 years later, having lost over 100lbs and feeling great about myself, only to be right back at square 1 and seeing 224 on the scales again. The ironic thing is that it's not even a 1lb difference each January, not 223, or 225, but 224, like the scales are laughing and saying ha, look at all that hard work you've done, for what, nothing, cos you're EXACTLY where you started all that time ago.

I know right now that I am not happy with my body. I am not happy with how unfit I feel when walking around. I am not happy that I don't look so good in my clothes and that I don't fit into most of them. I am not happy with seeing 224 on the scales. I can change this, I know I can, but I want the changes to be long term, not a quick fix and I wonder if I ever really will be capable of doing this.

(Poor me, poor me, poor me, self-pity does not sound good, so I guess it is time to make those changes again)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I too go away, come back, go away....welcome back sister. Good luck with everything!!!! I have at least 17-20lbs I want to lose - so we'll see if I can make it there!!!!!!!!!
    1728 days ago
    I agree with the other posters here - be kind to yourself!

    Sometimes we get into a rut of self-punishment and self-pity, letting negative feelings and emotions spiral into destructive and defeating behaviors.

    Look at your page, take off anything that doesn't feel positive to you, then put some lovely things that make you smile. Practice kindness from the soul out. :)
    1753 days ago
    I am right there with you, but we want to make the change, and coming back means we're not giving up!
    1753 days ago
    We've all had set backs - and then had to shake ourselves off and get back on the horse, so to speak. Just remember, we're cheering you on the same way you've cheered us on when we've questioned whether we can do this or how we slid back. You can do this and you will do this. Just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, with your eyes on the goal you've set for yourself. And we're both on the January Jumpstart Team to kick off 2013 in a great way!
    1754 days ago
  • IXCHEL23
    You're not alone. emoticon I'm in the same boat and I also feel guilty when I look at my page, and the 'sparkpeople motivator' emblem is on there. I've regained 20 lbs of the almost 40 lbs I lost a few yrs ago, and 20lbs away from my highest now. emoticon
    I know what to do..YOU know what to do to lose the weight, it's just maintaining or continuing to lose those last 10-15lbs (the latter is my problem) is the difficulty, challenging part. emoticon
    I believe I have a food addiction, and need that immediate gratification that food gives me when I'm upset, stressed, etc. Just as I like to shop unnecessarily then feel guilty and I return the items to the stores. I can't do that with food I've eaten.
    (We do know that we CAN eat in 'moderation' as fellow sparker SLIMKATIE does, enjoying what she eats with calorie counting and her running to keep her intake/outtake in check)
    A video of hers:
    For me food makes me feel good, calms me, when I'm stressed it helps me.. I know that is totally wrong and unhealthy. I've decided with the new year to keep a journal and write my feelings down when I'm upset before reaching for food. I need to find the joy again of exercise as I know the endorphins helped lift my spirits. I also need to think of my priorities such as my children they need a healthy mother, I can't keep procrastinating my good health. I'm going to next week attend a 'Overeaters Anonymous' meeting, being hopeful it helps.

    Make a list of how you are feeling now, and how you felt at your best weight/size. Another list with advantages & disadvantages at both times. I find it's very helpful! emoticon

    I know emoticon emoticon If you need a buddy on your journey I'm here!!
    PS (I agree with JACKES, zumba is lots of fun!)
    1754 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/30/2012 7:05:10 PM
    Hi Its great to see you back. I have not been on here a lot lately, have just been catching up on everybodies progress. Like you I have put all and probably more back on, at moment I have not had the courage to step on the scales!! I feel disgusted about myself I feel ashamed when I look at myself in the mirror. Its so frustrating because I know what to do but just can't get myself motivated and just keep putting it off!!
    You should not be so hard on yourself you are not alone, if it was that easy sites like this would not exist. With the start of a new year in a couple of days time, we should use this as a fresh start and leave the feelings of regret behind. I have made one small step and have started a Zumba class on a Friday, I was a bit reluctant so start with but its fab!!! Have you tried it? If not I'm sure you would love it!!
    Have a great New Year Eve in whatever you have planned!! I am going to be on here a lot more to record how I am doing, so I will be looking forward to seeing your progress and hopefully we can keep each other motivated!!
    1754 days ago
    Like TINAJANE, I really feel your pain and have been there too: as high as 230, and then losing and regaining and losing and regaining -- but I've maintained pretty steadily now since about 2001.

    The At Goal and Maintaining: Transition to Maintenance Team is a great resource RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING of weight loss because of course it's about learning how to maintain, not about losing (which, as you say, is NOT the tough part).

    In addition, I found Dr. Judith S Beck's book, "The Diet Solution: Learning how to think like a thin person" really helpful. It's a 6 week program to apply the principles of cognitive behaviour therapy to weight loss. Any diet will work: but no diet will keep weight off until we learn how to think like a thin person. She truly teaches the techniques. There is a Beck team here at Spark too.

    All best to you. It's absolutely the case that 2013 can be the year you lose the weight AND keep it off, so that in 2014 you won't be in the same place. This is a great place to learn how to keep weight off.
    1754 days ago
    Wow, do I feel your pain. I've been as high as 260 and as low as 140 in my adult life and truly understand the pain, frustration and humiliation of regaining all your hard-fought losses. The good news is that it is possible to lose and keep the weight off for good, even if you've failed multiple times in the past. It took me half a dozen tries before I was finally able to lose and keep the weight off for good and there wasn't any magic bullet for me--just lots of trial and error in finding what worked for me and staying connected to my support networks even when times were tough and I didn't feel like staying on the wagon.

    You can do it too and I also suggest connecting with groups of people who can give you extra support to maintain your losses once you get back to goal again. I'm a leader on the At Goal & Maintaining + Transition to Maintenance team here and welcome you to come check us out. We've got lots of members who aren't at goal yet, but who want to develop the skills they'll need once they get their so maintenance can become a permanent state for them once and for all.

    Good luck getting started up in your journey again. You are worth it!
    1754 days ago
    Hmmm, I just posted the "I'm back" blog myself and I told the husband the other day those EXACT same thoughts! I hate how I feel, how I look, that my clothes don't fit anymore, the stinky styles I buy (VERY hesitantly) now versus when I was 50 pounds thinner. It's a loooooong haul and there's only one way. I want that healthy, long term, REAL fix as well. The lifestyle change!! We've both done it before and we can do it again. Let's both stay here, stay strong and get it done!! (Yeah, I know, it's not just that easy - but WE still CAN!)
    emoticon Cindy
    1754 days ago
  • LORT-C
    First let me say I am glad to have you back. There are not many of us that have not struggled one way or another. I finally re-did my old sparks page off and started again. It was helpful to me. No have I taken it off as fast as I would like--no-but it is working. I have not gotten on the scale since Christmas and waiting until the first but lets make this a successful 2013 together. Hope to see you around lots.
    1755 days ago
    I am on the same road, I had great success 2 years ago and now am heading straight back to where I started. I never reached a weight I was completely happy with and I think that was the problem, the feeling of never quite having made it. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, again. But honestly, it is. I can do this and you know you can do this. Learn from your mistakes everyday and DON'T LET THE DEMON BEAT YOU!
    1755 days ago
    You have been an inspiration to so many people-including me! I feel your struggle and pain. Like you said, losing is easy, you got that! I have not made it any where near maintenance yet, but i know that's the hard part. I am here for you!
    1755 days ago
    I completely feel your pain! I'm going to add you as a sparkfriend so please message me if you think you could use some support.

    1755 days ago
    You're motivated, don't let that negative old rag inside you take this away! You deserve a fresh start!
    Comparisons are great if they're motivating, but if you're feeling shamed by those pics, maybe you take them off. If your friend was trying to lose weight, would you paste skinny pics of her everywhere to get her motivated? Treat yourself kindly! You can do this!
    My suggestion is to prepare for what lies ahead. There are some great groups out there that can greatly advise you on how to get to goal and how to handle the transition. Start now!
    1755 days ago
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