I feel like this is a recurring blog post for me. I disappear for 6 months or so, then come back and make an "I'm back!" blog post admitting how things have slipped further and setting out my goals for the weeks to come.

I started on spark in January 2009 weighing 224lbs, then lost lots of weight that year, gained a bit back the next and the next. I re-started on spark last January 2012 weighing 224lbs again and although the past year has brought losses it has ended in gains and once more I find myself starting yet another January at 224lbs!

I have lots I could say about what I have learnt, or analyse how things went wrong, or how I plan to 'get back on track' but it wouldn't be anything I haven't said before.

Mostly I feel ashamed of myself for putting all that weight back on. I don't often come on spark because I see my old 'successful' spark page staring at me and taunting me with images of my slimmer happier self.

I don't like wallowing in self-pity but that is how I feel. I truly believe that gaining or losing weight is an extremely complex process, more so than I could ever have imagined. It's not that losing weight is hard, it's not, it's really really simple, but long term losing HUGE amounts of weight and keeping it off is complicated. There is balancing what to eat, how much to eat, whether to listen to your body and hunger cues, or stick to a prescribed plan. Do you cut carbs, fats, sugars, or none of the above. Should you snack through the day, eat small regular meals, or 3 main meals with no extras. I have read a LOT about weight loss, diets, foods, nutrition, health and all that goes with it. I have tried calorie counting, reducing carbs, eating a paleo style diet, exercising and a whole host of other not so healthy methods. Yet here I am 4 years later, having lost over 100lbs and feeling great about myself, only to be right back at square 1 and seeing 224 on the scales again. The ironic thing is that it's not even a 1lb difference each January, not 223, or 225, but 224, like the scales are laughing and saying ha, look at all that hard work you've done, for what, nothing, cos you're EXACTLY where you started all that time ago.

I know right now that I am not happy with my body. I am not happy with how unfit I feel when walking around. I am not happy that I don't look so good in my clothes and that I don't fit into most of them. I am not happy with seeing 224 on the scales. I can change this, I know I can, but I want the changes to be long term, not a quick fix and I wonder if I ever really will be capable of doing this.

(Poor me, poor me, poor me, self-pity does not sound good, so I guess it is time to make those changes again)