Yeah, what a title huh? I'm just trying to think of a time in my life when I didn't feel down, like REALLY down, about something. What sucks is that I have the ability to change the things I don't like but, not the willpower I guess. I've lost weight in the past, massive amounts, only to gain it back and plus some most of the time.

My first marriage I was in a size 20 but still had a killer figure. My second marriage I was in a size 24, down from God knows what size when I hit an all time high of 320lbs while pregnant - oh, yeah, pregnant, then married the second time. My third, and final, marriage I dropped 75lbs and was in a size 14!!! I actually did feel good at that point and I swear I remember being really happy about EVERYTHING. I started gaining weight back on our honeymoon, I mean, really, watch my intake on my HONEYMOON?? I should have. By the time I got pregnant a second time I was up to 230something. I miscarried and my weight went to 242 by the next try, three months later. I kept a nice, steady weight through my pregnancy. I also had gestational diabetes and ate like the doctor told me to. When I gave birth, I was at 240.

I willingly stayed home for two years with my son. I left a REALLY good job to do so. When I decided to go back to work, the economy had tanked. I worked at a vet's for a while, then temporary jobs through a few agencies. I kept right on putting on weight through all of this. I was, and am now, depressed. I swear each interview I went on and got turned down for a job, or worse, never heard anything back, I think I gained five to 10 pounds.

So here I sit, no job, on multiple medications for depression, a child in college and one in grade school. I have a husband who works his ass off and makes good money but, we need the second income and I can't get a job. (I have 20yrs experience as an Admin Assistant/Office Manager/Member Services Coordinator) I believe employers SEEING me kills my chances every time. At 294lbs, 40yrs old, and feeling run down and depressed, I'm sure they take one look and think I must be a lazy, uncaring, slob.

So, here I go again. I'm hoping the stars will align for me and I'll keep my motivation. I hope so.