I have been slacking. Hard core. I haven't been running, I have been eating like crap, and basically, I've been sitting on the couch for the last few months. I knew things were getting bad: I looked squishier than I used too, my clothes are getting tighter, but I just explained it all away, saying that I really hadn't gained much weight, I'm still only a size 12 (not 18 like before), it's only one size difference from my smallest ever, it just hasn't gotten that bad.
Then I had to play a wedding.
For those that don't know - or can't guess from my photos - I play bagpipes. I LOVE playing the pipes. Love the sound, love the music, love the people I play with. A couple weeks ago, two of our members married each other. It was a great band wedding, lots of fun, lots of food and beer, really just a great time. I, however, only had an okay time. Reason: my kilt doesn't fit. I shelled out $400 for this thing after I lost 80 pounds and was really wonderfully thin and really happy that my old kilt was sliding off me. Now this new kilt won't buckle around my fat ass. There is give in these things, they make allowances for a little weight fluctuation. Apparently, I've hit the upper range of said allowance.
I cried that night. It was a reality check for me. My weight gain isn't going away. All those times I said "I'll get back in to my regimen tomorrow" had caught up to me. I was fat, and I now knew it.
I still didn't do anything about it though. My thought process was something like "it's Christmas, it's a holiday, I'll just make it through this, then I'll do something."
My second reality check came on Christmas night at my mom's house. I don't own a scale - I don't know why - so I used my mom's fancy doctor's scale. The result : 195. I've gained back half of what I lost.
I cried again that night.
I felt so incredibly guilty. I let myself down, but I feel like I've let other people down as well. Everyone around me knows that I started running this year, they keep asking me how it's going, if I'm running any races this year, what 5K's are coming up, and I have to tell them that I've been slacking. It feels awful saying that.
This time, I'm doing something about it.
My brother gave me his old copy of P90X. He warned me that it's intense, and that I may not be ready for it, but if I wanted to give it a shot, then go for it. So I am. I'm starting my new life tomorrow morning. I have to. I have a whole slew of 5K's I want to run, and I want to work my way up to a half marathon this year.
I figured out my two biggest problems: procrastination and accountability. I keep putting everything off to tomorrow, and then the tomorrow after that, until I never do anything. I also don't have anyone kicking my ass and making me stick to it. I think I've worked out a way to overcome both. I'm going to blog my entire P90X experience. Every day. I don't care if I have an uneventful day, I'm going to do it. Maybe someone out there will take an interest. Maybe I'll get a couple people following my progress. Apparently I don't have an internal ass-kicker, so I need something external to get me moving.
So I start tomorrow, for real this time. God help me, because I'm going to need all the help I can get.