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Checking in

Friday, December 28, 2012

The past few weeks have not been great. To be honest, I have had many days where I just kind of gave up, didn't use my skills, didn't even really try, and then let myself get upset, and beat up on myself without making any effort to stop it, and of course this often led to it becoming a cycle. Even now, because I haven't been checking in, all I can remember are the failures! Well, I am going to try to get back to this again so I can focus on the positive. I actually feel like recapping all the failures I can remember (office holiday party, day after Christmas, all the random days leading up to those events etc.) but maybe it's better if I just try and let them go. I'm not sure how productive it will be to go over them.

I have been a bit busy and stressed with the holidays and upcoming stuff. This winter quarter, which starts on January 7, will be busy. I'm grateful I got a TAing job again, but I may also sit in on a class, and then I still have work, and many of us know how much time and effort trying to actual keep working towards our wellness goals's a lot. I'm already overwhelmed trying to sort out my schedule so I can tell my boss when I'm planning on working.

Ok, time to try and stay positive! I'm still planning on doing this every time I blog.

+ I didn't binge yesterday. I overate quite a bit, but right now I am happy just to not have done a full-out binge. I haven't even been keeping track of my binge-free days, but I know the past few days were not good. I kept telling myself that if I really wanted to change, I needed to not give up, and I'm glad at least I made it.

+ I have still been pretty good about exercising, although that's the easy part for me since I enjoy it. I took my dog on a little jog on Christmas Eve to see the Christmas lights near our house, and on Christmas morning I went on a run with my dad. Still though, after the post-Christmas binge, I was feeling so bloated and ashamed that I almost didn't meet the gang to run...but I went anyway. I told myself I'd be happy I did. Sure, it was barely a run, and kind of uncomfortable feeling my belly, but oh well. I was grateful to be out in the cool early morning with two other friends, and the nearly full moon looked awesome.

+ I also went to yoga yesterday and was really glad to be back. It'd been a week since I went to practice since I had gone home and didn't make the time to do yoga when I was with the family.

+ Yesterday I did a lot of organizing and somehow this helped to keep my anxiety down. I'm trying to set up my environment to optimize my chances of success once the quarter starts - I know I won't have time to organize things then, and it helps me to have things a bit less cluttered. When I'm stressed my mind blows things out of proportion and somehow my thoughts go to "I haven't filed these papers... my whole life is disastrous mess!". I know those thoughts are just not true, but it still helps to have less of these loose ends around.

+ Today I'm going to plan on reviewing my skills and goals and making a plan to get back on track.

+ I haven't stepped on the scale in a while. The last few times I did, which were slightly done intentionally to beat up on myself, I was over 130. So basically I just had a new high weight. Let's just say it wasn't good for my mental state and, as expected, did more harm than good. Anyway I'm not going to do that for a while and instead just try to keep focusing on stopping the bingeing.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time of it lately. Yet despite that, you had some wins. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small it might seem: each one gets you one step further in the right direction. Going on a run to see Christmas lights with your dog sounds awesome. I just lived vicariously through you for a minute there. emoticon
    1277 days ago
    It's great to see you hear, no matter the source of your motivation. It's hard to see past the negatives, but it will get easier with a bit of practice.

    I love to get organized and I need to do it, too!
    1277 days ago
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