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I didn't do it! The Binge that didn't happen.

Friday, December 28, 2012

I have a very close encounter with an almost binge last night.
I had plans, friends were supposed to come over. Both cancelled on me last minute.
Loneliness is a trigger of mine.

My first thought was, "Well I can get in a workout tonight after all, and maybe I can get my grocery shopping done too"

Then I started unloading my car from all the stuff that was still piled in it from my visit to Mom's for Christmas.
My sister is still there because she had a really bad cold and ended up calling off work and staying a bit longer to recover.

The house felt so empty.
And I was oh so hungry.

Slowly I started convincing myself that I had every right to enjoy my free time like any normal person. I heard the voices of my family telling me that I had lost enough weight and should stop obsessing about it. "Gee Tehra, give yourself a break, you aren't going to die if you don't work out Every other day" (yes, this was actually said to me, and at the time I tried to explain that for me, it is a FIGHT to keep my healthy habits in place and that every time I let myself "forget about it" it is easier and easier for that to KEEP happening)
Weds I had been over at the boyfriends house. I had fit in a light walk before he got home, but for the most part it was a lazy evening, and while dinner was semi healthy there was still too many holiday treats at his place that could be, and were, nibbled.
So who says I can't have a few nights off? I was going to just hang out with my friends anyway???
So anyway before I know it I have decided to curl up with a movie, some wine, and some snacks.....
Well for starters the only wine I had in the house was a bottle gifted to me, that was being saved to share with the gifter next time we had a chance to spend an evening together. No good.
Ok, skip the wine.
What's in the Fridge....
Gee, not much, I haven't shopped since before Christmas.
Well, I can throw together a quickie omelet, and then I can go to the grocery store, while I am at it I can pick up some treats
I had plenty of candy, but it really wasn't my sweet tooth that wanted attention.
I fixed myself the omelet. Two eggs, some spinach that had seen better days but was still edible, and a bit of Colby.
I sat down to eat it and watch part of a movie I had never finished.

I still wanted to binge, still wanted to go get and gobble until.....
Now that I was no longer HUNGRY part of the urge has diminished.
I went upstairs to get my things for a store run.
Reason started creeping slowly back into my thoughts.
I took a piece of very dark chocolate from my stocking pile and forced myself to let it slowly melt in my mouth as I fought to regain control. I put the rest away.
Then I made my bed. I had been given a new bedding set for Christmas and I wanted to see how it looked. (very nice for the record)
I was calming down. Still a little lonely.
I re-piled my laundry, could not do it since the machine broke last week and I have not resolved that issue yet but I neatened it.
Now what.
Grocery shopping?
I ruled it out. I was afraid that if I got that close to all those salty snacks, cheeses, etc; in my vulnerable state I would go gonzo.

What happened to that workout idea?
I don't wanna.
Yah but I haven't had a real workout since Sunday....
But I don't wanna.....

Oh look, my sports bra, my running jacket..
Ok, tell you what, let's take a 20 minute turn on the treadmill. At least a mile. Then you can have a bubble bath and maybe a second piece of chocolate.

I slowly, got dressed and went to the basement.
As usually happens the 20 minutes grew into a full session!

By the time I was done and back in lounge clothes the urges were gone. By now it was an hour or so from bed time so I ran that bubble bath (still had the small piece of candy but it was a peppermint)

I never did get my grocery shopping done, but in this case I think it is a good thing.
I slept pretty well last night too.

Overall I am proud of myself.
It was a struggle, but I broke free.

This morning's weight:
Still holding at 180

So the thing I must remember is this. I am not normal. I have a problem. I need to always fight that problem. Like an addict.
Every time I start trying to be "normal" I go back to being Unhealthy.
Yes. I can indulge. Yes, I can have a lazy moment.
But for the most part they need to be planned. They need to be counter balanced with the cardio days. My day to day patterns need to be and remain Healthy.
I do not believe I am obsessive about it either. I have seen that and it is almost as much of an addiction as the other.
I am mindful, vigilant even, and rightly so.

I will change my life and my habits.
This WILL be a permanent change,

One stopped binge at a time.
One sweaty session with my treadmill at a time.
One healthy choice at a time.
One day at a time.

It adds up.

It makes a difference.

I can do it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    HUGE WIN! I'm so proud of you for not letting some of those voices deter you! Your family can love you all day long, but it's up to you to love yourself and manage your life to be your best.

    I LOVE that you tricked yourself into a full session on the treadmill - that happens to me all the time. :)
    1848 days ago
    Really liked this blog. It just reminds you that we all have weak moments (alone time is def my downfall as far as eating) but you got through it & so can I. Thanks!
    1850 days ago
    Congratulations! That's GREAT! :)

    emoticon emoticon
    1850 days ago
    Wow! I am so proud of you!! emoticon
    1851 days ago
  • MKATE88
    This part really struck a chord with me:
    " I am not normal. I have a problem. I need to always fight that problem. Like an addict.
    Every time I start trying to be "normal" I go back to being Unhealthy. "
    I have told my husband about my struggles, but I don't think he really "gets" it. He does try to be helpful, bless him, but I am pretty much all alone. Thank you for sharing, and good luck on your journey.
    1851 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Awesome job and awesome post. People really don't get it that letting up on health is not an option. It is best just to let them have their say and ignore! You did great, well done!

    1851 days ago
    Fabulous post!!! You did SO well! Congratulations on holding off a binge. That is not easy to do, but you pulled it off. I have also found that if I can make myself do even 15 minutes of exercise, the urge to binge usually settles down.

    This quote says it all: " I need to always fight that problem. Like an addict. Every time I start trying to be "normal" I go back to being Unhealthy. " Some people just don't get it and probably never will get it. It is so tedious to try to explain it to them and lately, I've given up because I am sick of having the same conversation with the same people. This is my life, my health, my choice. No one else gets a vote or has the right to repeatedly bombard us with their opinion on how we should best accomplish what they really don't understand. Hang in there!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1851 days ago
  • STODD251
    Wow! I am proud of you for managing to refrain from binging. I have not been so good the last few days. My family is very bad for my diet. They don't have any healthy food around and always want to eat ice cream and of course, I give in all too often... but you can proudly say that you did not give in
    1851 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    Actually, what you did is the true normal, in looking at the history of human beings. It is not normal in many cultures to have a meal and then sit around relaxing and just eating mindlessly, and certainly not alone.

    Most of us have very strong habits of eating randomly which leads, IMHO, to too much dickering and deciding over food. It doesn't mean we have to be rigid, but I don't think it's rigid to assume that I'm going to have a few really good meals a day and not much else. Millions of French and Italian people do it every day and consider themselves happy eaters.

    You are developing new purposeful habits in a culture of extreme impulsivity. Kudos!
    1851 days ago
    emoticon You did an awesome job beating that urge! I really loved reading about your bartering with yourself: cardio, then bubble bath & candy. emoticon Keep it up.
    1851 days ago
    What a struggle, I was right there with you. A great victory, most of us know how difficult it is not to give in. Congratulations!!! emoticon
    1851 days ago
    Good for you for getting around a"binge". I think sometimes the key is to keep busy until the urges pass. Most times they will. One change at a time is the way to go. emoticon emoticon
    1851 days ago
    BRAVO !!!
    1851 days ago
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