I have a very close encounter with an almost binge last night.
I had plans, friends were supposed to come over. Both cancelled on me last minute.
Loneliness is a trigger of mine.
My first thought was, "Well I can get in a workout tonight after all, and maybe I can get my grocery shopping done too"
Then I started unloading my car from all the stuff that was still piled in it from my visit to Mom's for Christmas.
My sister is still there because she had a really bad cold and ended up calling off work and staying a bit longer to recover.
The house felt so empty.
And I was oh so hungry.
Slowly I started convincing myself that I had every right to enjoy my free time like any normal person. I heard the voices of my family telling me that I had lost enough weight and should stop obsessing about it. "Gee Tehra, give yourself a break, you aren't going to die if you don't work out Every other day" (yes, this was actually said to me, and at the time I tried to explain that for me, it is a FIGHT to keep my healthy habits in place and that every time I let myself "forget about it" it is easier and easier for that to KEEP happening)
Weds I had been over at the boyfriends house. I had fit in a light walk before he got home, but for the most part it was a lazy evening, and while dinner was semi healthy there was still too many holiday treats at his place that could be, and were, nibbled.
So who says I can't have a few nights off? I was going to just hang out with my friends anyway???
So anyway before I know it I have decided to curl up with a movie, some wine, and some snacks.....
Well for starters the only wine I had in the house was a bottle gifted to me, that was being saved to share with the gifter next time we had a chance to spend an evening together. No good.
Ok, skip the wine.
What's in the Fridge....
Gee, not much, I haven't shopped since before Christmas.
Well, I can throw together a quickie omelet, and then I can go to the grocery store, while I am at it I can pick up some treats
I had plenty of candy, but it really wasn't my sweet tooth that wanted attention.
I fixed myself the omelet. Two eggs, some spinach that had seen better days but was still edible, and a bit of Colby.
I sat down to eat it and watch part of a movie I had never finished.
I still wanted to binge, still wanted to go get and gobble until.....
Now that I was no longer HUNGRY part of the urge has diminished.
I went upstairs to get my things for a store run.
Reason started creeping slowly back into my thoughts.
I took a piece of very dark chocolate from my stocking pile and forced myself to let it slowly melt in my mouth as I fought to regain control. I put the rest away.
Then I made my bed. I had been given a new bedding set for Christmas and I wanted to see how it looked. (very nice for the record)
I was calming down. Still a little lonely.
I re-piled my laundry, could not do it since the machine broke last week and I have not resolved that issue yet but I neatened it.
I ruled it out. I was afraid that if I got that close to all those salty snacks, cheeses, etc; in my vulnerable state I would go gonzo.
What happened to that workout idea?
I don't wanna.
Yah but I haven't had a real workout since Sunday....
But I don't wanna.....
Oh look, my sports bra, my running jacket..
Ok, tell you what, let's take a 20 minute turn on the treadmill. At least a mile. Then you can have a bubble bath and maybe a second piece of chocolate.
I slowly, got dressed and went to the basement.
As usually happens the 20 minutes grew into a full session!
By the time I was done and back in lounge clothes the urges were gone. By now it was an hour or so from bed time so I ran that bubble bath (still had the small piece of candy but it was a peppermint)
I never did get my grocery shopping done, but in this case I think it is a good thing.
I slept pretty well last night too.
Overall I am proud of myself.
It was a struggle, but I broke free.
This morning's weight:
Still holding at 180
So the thing I must remember is this. I am not normal. I have a problem. I need to always fight that problem. Like an addict.
Every time I start trying to be "normal" I go back to being Unhealthy.
Yes. I can indulge. Yes, I can have a lazy moment.
But for the most part they need to be planned. They need to be counter balanced with the cardio days. My day to day patterns need to be and remain Healthy.
I do not believe I am obsessive about it either. I have seen that and it is almost as much of an addiction as the other.
I am mindful, vigilant even, and rightly so.
I will change my life and my habits.
This WILL be a permanent change,
One stopped binge at a time.
One sweaty session with my treadmill at a time.
One healthy choice at a time.
One day at a time.
It adds up.
It makes a difference.
I can do it.