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I Know How This is Done....The Ghost of Christmas Past

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm struggling to get re-focused. I seriously have to get rid of these left-overs. I made ONE batch of Chex Mix. In my morbidly-obese days, I would start making Chex Mix as soon as I thought the weather seemed the least bit like Autumn. And I would make batch after batch right through the New Year. And I would eat all of it I wanted. So only ONE batch this year--made the day before Christmas Eve. And now it's sitting here....calling to me. Made two batches of almond bark pretzels...they're about gone, but I've eaten way too many to get them to that point of "almost gone." Bought a roll of summer sausage to have with crackers and cheese on Christmas Eve. YIKES--why did I buy such a giant roll???

We went out for lunch today and I had a good healthy lunch at Applebee's. I'm getting really good at finding low-fat options at restaurants. I can almost always find something that is good, yet low-caloried. But this afternoon, when we got home, I kept finding my way into the container of Chex Mix, and I had a couple slices of sausage, and then some almond-bark pretzels. YIKES! We ran into some acquaintances that we hadn't seen in years after lunch, when we stopped at Walgreen's to check out their half-price cologne sale. They had seen the article in the newspaper
and then watched me on the Today Show.

It's always fun to run into old friends, and even more fun to hear them talk about how good you look, and how they saw you on TV, etc. etc. I won't lie--I love it! I am also aware that if I regain weight, I will have to become a recluse for more reasons than one. First of all, at 328 lbs., it wasn't easy to get out and go places. I do not want to go back to that place. Second of all, it would be too embarrassing to risk running into acquaintances who have seen the newspaper article, seen me on TV, and would now see what a failure I am.

So it's time to get re-focused. I lost my way, gradually over the months before the Today Show opportunity, and the weight had started slowly coming back. But I never got over my goal weight, and I lost almost 10 pounds before going to NYC last month, getting below 150, so it would NOT be a lie when they announced my weight as 150 lbs. on the show that day. It was what I had put on the questionnaire, so I knew I needed to get there and I made it! Now I just need to get back to that place....I was so motivated and inspired again. It was easy to say NO to food. Now, once again, I'm eating mindlessly. And when you eat that way, you don't even enjoy the food. I feel guilty, but feel powerless to stop.....again.

I read all the motivational stuff...about how good it is to feel in control when you make good choices. And yet I eat first and think later. I hate this feeling of being out of control. I hate feeling guilty ALL THE TIME. I was afraid to get on the scale yesterday morning (the day after Christmas), but this morning I made myself hop up and check to see what it had to say. It wasn't as bad as I thought...152.2. I had been weighing in around 151.6, so about half a pound gain over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the Day After Christmas (is that a holiday?). Not too much damage yet. I would really like to get back to 145, which is where I was last year at this time. I know I can do it, and this is the BEST time of year to start. There's so much media focus on starting diets, getting healthy, losing weight. There are no holidays for a long time (after my birthday, which falls on Jan. 1), and I'm READY! I'm going to start walking regularly again, using my new Leslie Sansone videos that she was so kind to send me. No excuses that the roads outside my house are too icy to risk a fall. NO EXCUSES!

Hubby is leaving for bowling soon. There's no dance class tonight for my granddaughters. Thursday nights used to be a bad night for me, before I started going to dance class. I would be bored after hubby left and start binging. But, I'm going to find something to occupy my time tonight, I've done enough damage for one day already and do not plan to continue this evening! I'm going to work on making good choices, so once again I can feel good about myself and be IN CONTROL! I've done this before, I know how to do it, now I just have to DO IT. Maybe I'll check out the After-Christmas sales tonight?! After all, today was payday! One of my very last ones!!! Time to get REAL and STRONG and HEALTHY and HAPPY!!! Wish me luck, but more than that....wish me STRENGTH and SELF CONTROL!!!

Christmas 2009--Just after I started my journey on 12/14/09

Christmas 2010--One year into my journey, I think I was weighing around 188 lbs.

Christmas 2011--Below my goal weight!

Christmas 2012--Still Below my goal weight, but struggling....

So over the years Amber has grown, and I have shrunk. My hope is that Amber continues to grow and I stay the same now. I know how this is done....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LINDAK25
    1877 days ago
    The damage doesn't sound too bad. But step away from the chex mix and the pretzels!!! I wrote a blog today about how difficult it is to get back on track and what my thoughts are about being addicted to processed foods. Check it out.
    Make it a terrific day!
    1878 days ago
  • CC3833
    You can do it! Those pesky snacks at every turn don't have anything on you! You beat the odds and got to your goal weight. You can beat the odds and keep the weight off too!
    1878 days ago
  • KITT52
    do your best each day..I know I struggle everyday as well but what choice do we have...if we ever go back to our old habits we know what will happen

    Have a healthy day and Happy New year
    1879 days ago
    I think maintaining will always be a struggle for me. Sometimes I make really good choices. I had dinner out - grilled sword fish, garlic mashed potatoes (which I shared) and steamed green beans. I even said "no" to desert. Then I came home and got into the chocolate peppermint bark. I stopped at one ounce, thank goodness. I had weighed it out into one ounce portions in separate snack bags, and that helped. Maybe you could do something like that with the Chex mix - portion control.
    1879 days ago
    emoticon I have gained a few also. I know we can do it. Stay positive and just Take it One Day at a Time.
    1879 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    It's hard with that stuff hanging around. My grandkids are here for a couple days helping to get rid of some but I did make them work out with me today, too. It is definitely time to get the exercise back on track for me, too.
    1879 days ago
    I agree it is hard! DH retired Dec 21, 2012, and all of a sudden I have to plan 3 meals a day! I used to plan very healthy brkfsts and lunches. Now I have to think about him and his limited list of things he will eat. I love having him home, so I feel terrible to even think of complaining! But it has me worried! Time will tell! Good luck Pam!
    1879 days ago

    Pam. Think about Amber and Mia. How do you want them to learn from you? Do you want them to think it's ok to snack on anything that there is available? Do you want them wonder why you were thin and healthy but changed into an overweight tired Grandma? Is there anything you do want to let them see you do? Then do that because of them and you.

    1879 days ago
    Yes, you know how it is done and you can do it!! It is a struggle for me, too, but I find as long as I don't give up I will be okay. I do the best I can each day. Some days may not be very good, but I can balance it out. Your half pound gain over Christmas is really quite good!

    I recently set up a streak for the days I stay within my calorie range. I think that is the central streak I need to maintain. 7 days is my longest such streak, but I feel myself getting stronger and I'm going to make it a lot longer soon!

    I also recommend the book, The Beck Diet Solution. I learned so much from that book that has helped me. If you haven't read and done it already, please consider. You may want to join the Beck team, too.

    Hang in there. It isn't easy, but success builds on success. And most of all, it is really worth it.

    I sincerely hope you can quit worrying about how regain would embarrass you in front of people. I know, easy for me to say. But really you need to maintain for yourself, because you want to, because you want to be healthy and attractive and all those good reasons you have. I have read here on Spark that negative motivators generally don't work; find positive ones!! Best wishes.
    1879 days ago
  • 0309COOKIE
    I admire your fortitude. I have put on six pounds. Everywhere I have gone I have been given leftovers and I have been eating them. I am eating overall much more than I normally do and it is reflected in the scale number. Plus I baked this year and I have that sitting around too. Good for you that you can reign in your cravings. I'm rooting for you.
    1879 days ago
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