I'm struggling to get re-focused. I seriously have to get rid of these left-overs. I made ONE batch of Chex Mix. In my morbidly-obese days, I would start making Chex Mix as soon as I thought the weather seemed the least bit like Autumn. And I would make batch after batch right through the New Year. And I would eat all of it I wanted. So only ONE batch this year--made the day before Christmas Eve. And now it's sitting here....calling to me. Made two batches of almond bark pretzels...they're about gone, but I've eaten way too many to get them to that point of "almost gone." Bought a roll of summer sausage to have with crackers and cheese on Christmas Eve. YIKES--why did I buy such a giant roll???

We went out for lunch today and I had a good healthy lunch at Applebee's. I'm getting really good at finding low-fat options at restaurants. I can almost always find something that is good, yet low-caloried. But this afternoon, when we got home, I kept finding my way into the container of Chex Mix, and I had a couple slices of sausage, and then some almond-bark pretzels. YIKES! We ran into some acquaintances that we hadn't seen in years after lunch, when we stopped at Walgreen's to check out their half-price cologne sale. They had seen the article in the newspaper http://journalstar.com/news/lo
cal/cindy-lange-kubick-fro
m-size-x-to-jeggings/artic
le_0e538da5-254b-50ce-802e
-f78ea158d67a.html
and then watched me on the Today Show. http://www.joybauer.com/joyfit
club/pamela-holmes.aspx

It's always fun to run into old friends, and even more fun to hear them talk about how good you look, and how they saw you on TV, etc. etc. I won't lie--I love it! I am also aware that if I regain weight, I will have to become a recluse for more reasons than one. First of all, at 328 lbs., it wasn't easy to get out and go places. I do not want to go back to that place. Second of all, it would be too embarrassing to risk running into acquaintances who have seen the newspaper article, seen me on TV, and would now see what a failure I am.

So it's time to get re-focused. I lost my way, gradually over the months before the Today Show opportunity, and the weight had started slowly coming back. But I never got over my goal weight, and I lost almost 10 pounds before going to NYC last month, getting below 150, so it would NOT be a lie when they announced my weight as 150 lbs. on the show that day. It was what I had put on the questionnaire, so I knew I needed to get there and I made it! Now I just need to get back to that place....I was so motivated and inspired again. It was easy to say NO to food. Now, once again, I'm eating mindlessly. And when you eat that way, you don't even enjoy the food. I feel guilty, but feel powerless to stop.....again.

I read all the motivational stuff...about how good it is to feel in control when you make good choices. And yet I eat first and think later. I hate this feeling of being out of control. I hate feeling guilty ALL THE TIME. I was afraid to get on the scale yesterday morning (the day after Christmas), but this morning I made myself hop up and check to see what it had to say. It wasn't as bad as I thought...152.2. I had been weighing in around 151.6, so about half a pound gain over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the Day After Christmas (is that a holiday?). Not too much damage yet. I would really like to get back to 145, which is where I was last year at this time. I know I can do it, and this is the BEST time of year to start. There's so much media focus on starting diets, getting healthy, losing weight. There are no holidays for a long time (after my birthday, which falls on Jan. 1), and I'm READY! I'm going to start walking regularly again, using my new Leslie Sansone videos that she was so kind to send me. No excuses that the roads outside my house are too icy to risk a fall. NO EXCUSES!

Hubby is leaving for bowling soon. There's no dance class tonight for my granddaughters. Thursday nights used to be a bad night for me, before I started going to dance class. I would be bored after hubby left and start binging. But, I'm going to find something to occupy my time tonight, I've done enough damage for one day already and do not plan to continue this evening! I'm going to work on making good choices, so once again I can feel good about myself and be IN CONTROL! I've done this before, I know how to do it, now I just have to DO IT. Maybe I'll check out the After-Christmas sales tonight?! After all, today was payday! One of my very last ones!!! Time to get REAL and STRONG and HEALTHY and HAPPY!!! Wish me luck, but more than that....wish me STRENGTH and SELF CONTROL!!!


Christmas 2009--Just after I started my journey on 12/14/09


Christmas 2010--One year into my journey, I think I was weighing around 188 lbs.


Christmas 2011--Below my goal weight!


Christmas 2012--Still Below my goal weight, but struggling....

So over the years Amber has grown, and I have shrunk. My hope is that Amber continues to grow and I stay the same now. I know how this is done....