Thursday, December 27, 2012
And I'm trying to keep in a positive head space. Yes, this is the hardest part. Yes, this is the time where the realities I've been ignoring for months sink in, hard. But this is also the worst I ever have to feel. This can be the end of gnawing guilt, procrastination, and perverse incentives for stagnation. By starting today, I can be in a much better place in a month or two. I can be healthy, glowing, happy, striving toward improvement instead of actively avoiding it. I don't have to refer to myself as frumpy in self-deprecating humor that no one asked for.
The long and short of it is that I successfully used SparkPeople in 2010-2011 to lose about 40 pounds. Then I gained back 60 from about March of 2011 until now. I'm feeling pretty low right now, thinking about it all. My often complicated relationship with food, stemming from an unhealthy upbringing and branching into ED territory earlier in life, has spiraled into new forms of distressing and complicated. I convinced myself that I was better off fat, because it meant no longer wanting what I couldn't have. Nevermind investing in my own health and well-being and self-confidence. I thought it better to wreck it all. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I know that I need to be my priority, as well.
So, I deleted my old sparkpeople account, which has been autoemailing me painful reminders of my failure for the last year, and which mocks me with thin, smiling pictures from a time when I could control myself. And now I start fresh. And I don't have to feel this way forever. Sparkpeople sets my weight loss goal for June 30th. Realistic? Unclear - I'm not sure how my metabolism is doing. But what is clear is that I'll be miles ahead of where I am now by June 30th.
I hope I have the strength to start all over again.