Thursday, December 27, 2012
Last night/this morning around 1:45 I awakened because of a horrible nightmare. I was so frightened I locked my bedroom door, which, logically is silly since I am the only person in the house now and I have an alarm system. That is another story and I might not have it long as the price just went up, also another story. Anyway, it took a long time for me to get back to sleep.
Because of waking in the middles of the night I didn't wake up this morning until 9:30 and then I couldn't get out of bed. I felt so sad and so without purpose that I did not want to face any of the day. For thirty minutes I tried to talk myself in getting out of bed, getting dressed, and going outside if just to walk in my yard and get sunshine. Finally, up, I realized that depression had settled into my very soul and consumed me. I must see if this is one of the steps of grief. I am sure that it must be.
Would knowing that depression is a step of grieving help? No, it really wouldn't but I would at least know, logically, that it is normal. Would knowing make it go away? Absolutely not but maybe it would help me take steps to move through this stage. Would my logical side take over my emotional side too in order to get me through this stage? Not, I will still have to deal with it.
I know that one thing to help is to have purpose in my life, to find a passion other than Ed and all we meant to each other but where? I have volunteered in many areas. I don't deal well with children; so, schools are out. I don't want to have a rigid schedule; so, many places are out because of that and coupled with the fact that I am not emotionally stable right now to work in certain areas. I can never work in an animal shelter, especially a kill shelter. I no longer want to work on crisis hot lines as I did for many years plus, that becomes a rigid schedule. Libraries require rigid schedules, nursing homes? I did that and can no longer do it. I no longer have the ability to be patient and understanding, my own emotions are too close to the surface and they need a cheery face, not the tears that show up and pour out of me at unexpected times.
The tears are a hinderance to many things. I can't volunteer so many places because of the raw emotions at the surface of my being. Besides, there really isn't anything that I would want to get out of bed to do.
It has been suggested that I get a pet, a dog to walk or a cat to love. Either or both would be wonderful but there are the adoption/rescue fees then the vet fees and shot fees and neutering or spaying and I do not have the funds for those and if the pet got sick who would pay the vet bills and rx bills then? Insurance for the pet you say? Who will pay that? My children can't afford to. One has a child with Asperger's who can't get the treatment he needs because of costs and she receives no child support and the other has no children but she and her husband are living on her salary as his business is just paying the overhead with no salary for him. But the economy is getting better we are told, that too is another story.
The tears started again a while ago and I have no desire to go outside but I will make myself go out, tears or no tears, and get some fresh fruit and veggies. I will make myself call a friend and wish him a happy birthday and ask his wife in I can fix dinner for them for tomorrow since he is just home from having a double knee replacement, I will shower and fo to a friend's tonight to be with girl friends, I will carry a lot of tissues for when the tears start unexpectedly.
Depression? Probably a step in the grief process and I will try to get over if and if I don't I will go to the Dr. for an anti-depressant but I first have to give myself time to work through it naturally and move to another step in the process.