Wednesday, December 26, 2012
It is amazing to me how quickly Christmas is over. We anticipate it all year it seems and then poof, it is over. The radio stations take to playing all Christmas all the time way back in November, now even before Thanksgiving, then on December 26 it is all gone. Just like that! People might leave their decorations up until New Year's Day, but it seems stores get rid of the decor and the merchandise faster than you can say Clearance Sale. I kinda felt like my mom was gone like Christmas. Here one day, gone the next. So that got me to thinking in the shower where I do all my deep thinking (and alot of crying)... Look at how many things in life we anticipate and then poof, they are gone! Wweddings.... I barely remember my wedding or wedding day. But, I planned and bought and planned for a year and then next thing you know, I'm married and all the hoop la is over. All the fanfare of being a bride is gone and now I have to work at being a wife. It then occurred to me that diets are sort of the same.... We plan, we buy, we anticipate the great weight loss and then all too often we blow it one day and that's it, we quit. Buying all those special foods, those special exercise machines, those shakes, those supplements and poof, there we are back to our bad habits. That is how it has been for me. Even with SP. I'm all gung ho and then I just quit. Maybe it is like this last time, an illness that kept me from exercising. I put on the weight I lost and then I just give up. Food feels good, it comforts me, I like it. I don't necessarily like working out. Poof, back where I started at the weight I started! So, my mom died. People literally force fed me with worries about my blood sugar dropping. I ate. I figured out back when my sister died in 2004 why we eat after funerals. We try to fill that emptiness that is truly there. I never realized until I lost my sister that you have an actual feeling of emptiness in your gut and no amount of food fills it, but you try. People around me were doing that with my mom and wanting me to eat, eat, eat! It was near Christmas, so mostly all we got was fried chicken and more fried chicken! Buckets and buckets of fried chicken! I know people were busy and all, but man oh man! I don't care if I ever taste another piece of fried chicken! At least my next door neighbor manages a Subway, so we had subs too! Anyhow, I ate a bit, then I quit. I didn't allow people to force feed my grief. There were times that I did and I ate, but nothing had taste and nothing was filling that hole. My mom had a massive heart attack. She had congestive heart failure. She was obese for many years. Her obesity contributed to her death. I tried and tried to get her to Spark with me. At one time she was working out with me at my pool and she was trying, but then she "caught" congestive heart failure. She couldn't breathe well enough to work out and it got cold. The next thing you know, she was dead. I don't want to die. I want to live and I want to look good in my skin again. I want to be the cutie my husband married. I want to be strong and healthy. So, no matter what life has more of to throw at me, I'm not quitting. And, in case you didn't notice.... Despite all this stuff I have not quit SP. I may have gone off track, I may have even fell completely down, but I'm still here. It may take me a really long time to reach my goal weight. I've been a diabetic since age 3 and fat doesn't let go of a insulin dependent person very easily, but since December 5 I have actulaly lost a bit and not gained. Grief and Christmas and all and I'm finally below that 180 mark! I have to do this for me, for my husband and for my nephew and dad. They need me. They all have lost way too much already! I won't be responsible for more pain. Part of me wants to just get drunk and stay drunk. The other part wants to stick around with you guys and get healthy!