Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I was feeling very sorry for myself last night.
Part of it had to do with the emotions I don't deal with at the holidays. I admit I don't, know I should, but it makes things less complicated for everyone else if I don't and just tuck it all away.
Part of it had to do with everyone around me celebrating with their husbands, kids, and extended family. I won't lie...I envy them. We've been together long enough, we ought to be able to do the same... A 20 minute Christmas is good, but one actually together would be much better.
Some of it had to do with the slippers. I was angry with myself for not calling his mom to see what she was doing for him so I didn't do the same thing. It was bound to happen. In a month or so, it'll be amusing. When it came up at dinner that night, I was mortified--the couple we were with had been bragging how well they know each other (re: Christmas gifts) after being married/knowing each other for such a short time (4 years) compared to us... All that went through my head was how stupid I must look, and how they must think I don't know him at all to make a mistake like that.
But the majority of it had to do with the jacket and the fact that I'm too fat to wear it zipped. He listens so carefully when I say there are things I need/want/love...I don't say it often. Last year he bought me running shoes and a race entry... For my birthday this year, he bought me a bia sport, which I won't even GET till April because it's a brand new product... It was from a website I'd sent him because I thought it was a neat idea and loved that it was a product created by women... I didn't expect he'd help fund the project! I wasn't at all disappointed in his gift this year...just disappointed in myself because I didn't do the things I said I would.
I do what many of us do...I utter the words "This year will be different/the year/the one and I will lose weight."
I worry that I'm an embarrassment...that whole "Jack Sprat" comparison. He's 6'4 and very thin while I am 5'4 and decidedly not. I look back at pictures of us and I never LOOKED that big but I know I thought I was. Even the one picture of me in a size 4, barely 100 pounds...I remember thinking as I put the dress on that my thighs were huge, my belly enormous, and that I looked horrible.
I hate getting in the shower. I hate that one whole wall is mirrored. That it forces me to see ME the way I look to everyone else...dressed or not. I think that is why I hesitate to go to yoga--a whole mirrored wall...and not enough dark.
I miss that confident feeling I had when I was running regularly. I was proud of myself when I went longer or ran harder or pushed myself past that imaginary wall that all runners face--the one that says this is as far as you can go. The glee I felt when I saw muscle definition in my thighs...
I worry that no matter how hard I work, how little or how well I eat, that beautiful orange and teal jacket will never fit...and I will always feel this way....like an embarrassment or disappointment to someone.
Most of all...to me.