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Last night...

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I was feeling very sorry for myself last night.

Part of it had to do with the emotions I don't deal with at the holidays. I admit I don't, know I should, but it makes things less complicated for everyone else if I don't and just tuck it all away.

Part of it had to do with everyone around me celebrating with their husbands, kids, and extended family. I won't lie...I envy them. We've been together long enough, we ought to be able to do the same... A 20 minute Christmas is good, but one actually together would be much better.

Some of it had to do with the slippers. I was angry with myself for not calling his mom to see what she was doing for him so I didn't do the same thing. It was bound to happen. In a month or so, it'll be amusing. When it came up at dinner that night, I was mortified--the couple we were with had been bragging how well they know each other (re: Christmas gifts) after being married/knowing each other for such a short time (4 years) compared to us... All that went through my head was how stupid I must look, and how they must think I don't know him at all to make a mistake like that.

But the majority of it had to do with the jacket and the fact that I'm too fat to wear it zipped. He listens so carefully when I say there are things I need/want/love...I don't say it often. Last year he bought me running shoes and a race entry... For my birthday this year, he bought me a bia sport, which I won't even GET till April because it's a brand new product... It was from a website I'd sent him because I thought it was a neat idea and loved that it was a product created by women... I didn't expect he'd help fund the project! I wasn't at all disappointed in his gift this year...just disappointed in myself because I didn't do the things I said I would.

I do what many of us do...I utter the words "This year will be different/the year/the one and I will lose weight."

I worry that I'm an embarrassment...that whole "Jack Sprat" comparison. He's 6'4 and very thin while I am 5'4 and decidedly not. I look back at pictures of us and I never LOOKED that big but I know I thought I was. Even the one picture of me in a size 4, barely 100 pounds...I remember thinking as I put the dress on that my thighs were huge, my belly enormous, and that I looked horrible.

I hate getting in the shower. I hate that one whole wall is mirrored. That it forces me to see ME the way I look to everyone else...dressed or not. I think that is why I hesitate to go to yoga--a whole mirrored wall...and not enough dark.

I miss that confident feeling I had when I was running regularly. I was proud of myself when I went longer or ran harder or pushed myself past that imaginary wall that all runners face--the one that says this is as far as you can go. The glee I felt when I saw muscle definition in my thighs...

I worry that no matter how hard I work, how little or how well I eat, that beautiful orange and teal jacket will never fit...and I will always feel this an embarrassment or disappointment to someone.

Most of me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I totally feel you..and your pain..we are in the same boat so thank you for putting my feelings into such eloquent words! emoticon
    1789 days ago
    you my friend are suffering from lack . you feel that a whole part of you is empty . nothing you do will fill that hole . I know the feeling . I also think i am not good enough . I beat myself up daily and over small things that should not make any one else miss a heart beat . I am trying to learn to love myself . a hard job . you are good enough . stop talking to yourself and start telling you that you are special and important to others . cause you are . emoticon
    1789 days ago
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