Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I was up until 3 A.M wrapping presents . I am the second worse present wrapper of all time,with the exception of the person who just brown bags it and says Merry Christmas.
My wife was resting on the couch sleeping and when awake, watching some sappy christmas show,"Joyful Noise" or some crap.
As you can probably tell I am not a christmacy person. What do you expect from a guy who loves the Grinch and Oscar the Grouch.( I am wearing an green Grinch T-shirt with his yellow eyes staring at you.)
I was wrapping camcorders,robotic dinosaurs, Car towns, and Dvd's that I will probably never get to watch.
I did this in my office as I started to fall asleep.........Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I was awaken by the smell of baking cookies,chocolate-chip. Ummmmm,Yummy. To my left sat an incredible fat man dressed in what looked like chains with what appears to be,Twinkies,packages of Twizzlers,Oreos,Pepsi cans which made an awful clatter.
" I thought you would never wake up. I started waving this cookie under your nose and I knew that would do the trick. Hello! LaVell. " The fat man says. I detected a irish accent and now I know where I have seen this man before. It is "Fat Bastard" from the Austin Powers movies.
I look at his bulging belly and all that comes to mind is,"Get in me belly"
He starts to talk again spewing cookie crumbs from his mouth. " I am the ghost of fatness past. I have come here to scare your azz. I am from your past and I have come to remind you what can easily happen if you do not continue your path to better health." He offers me a Twizzler from his chain-mailed suit. I think better of the offer. He tells me I have to eat it,because it is our mode of transportation. I devour the Twizzler,enjoying the tasty goodness and we are transported.
I am transported to my old job. I see the old me,sitting in my office eating several slices of pizza,a 20 ounce Pepsi and a gigantic bag of Doritos. I notice that the back of my head is just a big mass on top of another bigger mass. I see piles of performance sheets,meeting notes,blueprints of new projects and notes with deadlines all over them. Above my desk is a calendar of planned meetings with department managers,nursing care managers and staff.
Fat Bastard ask," Do you remember him? He comes in early and leave late every night. He does not exercise and he eats like this at every meal."
I see the fat me. Fast forward----------------321 pounds,pants with elastic sides sized 46------------achy joints----------------I see the fat me taking a vision test. My vision is blurry.The nurse ask me if I am Diabetic. I say of course not.( knowing I had seen my mother lose a leg and eventually her life to Diabetes) Macho answer is not me!
Fast forward----------- I am getting blood work results from my physician. My blood sugar is through the roof. I am now on more pills in addition to my high cholesterol and blood pressure. He tells me I am now going to die from a heart attack or lose my sight. He tells me my job is too stressful for the illnesses I have.
I am in denial and continue to drink soda,beer even more now than when I got my diagnosis. I notice my wife is not looking at me the same. --------- Fast forward.------ My wife is drooling all over Chris Hemsmorth. The guy who plays Thor. Come on. -------
" I can't watch anymore." I tell fat Bastard." It's too painful.'
He tells me I have to look. I am now in a meeting where I lose my job and my boss is trying not to look at me. He tries to shake my hand.I refuse.How am I going to take care of my family. I am told an example has to be made. Sending a message,but it's not my fault.I felt like the faithful winning race horse until he breaks his leg and now you have to shoot him.
I see myself looking at my sons like a failure.One thing I have never failed in .Eating.
Fat Bastard tells me that this is the person I do not want to return to. I ask why not. He tells me his other friends will have to answer it for me. That I would be visited by three more spirits this night........
I awake again at my desk. I go to the bathroom and when I return another ghost is sitting in my office chair. All i see is a mohawk and feathers. I see big bulging biceps and gold chains. It 's Mr.T. Heck no!
" I PITY THE FOOL WHO ASK ME TO GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR." he says in his gruff voice. I smile. " So I guess you are the ghost of fatness present? I ask nervously. Not daring to ask his to get out of my chair.
" I'M HERE TO SHOW YOU THE STUFF YOU HAVE DONE,FOOL. SO GET YOUR DAMN SLIPPER ON AND LET'S GO. I AIN'T GOT ALL NIGHT,RERUNS OF THE A-TEAM IS SHOWING ON TBS."
We go outside and a black serial killer type van is parked in my drive way.I am nervous as I enter.I get in and close the door.
" YOU CAN GET OUT NOW,WE HERE."
I am still in the same drive way,same snow.We go back into the house and I see myself. I am working out but I am about 311 pounds. I am enthusiastic and acting unlike myself. I am acting like a kid with a new toy. I am reading labels and taking notes about servings. I am throwing out crap. I am the same but different. It is hard to explain.It is like repainting your car,but adding flashy rims and new motor.
Fast forward........... I am blogging about myself. Me blogging.I am not afraid to talk about me. I am lifting weights,lending advice and following the advice I lent. Wow! Who is this guy. I kinda like him.
"DO YOU SEE NOW. LOOK AT YOUR SONS,YOUR WIFE. SHE IS WEARING THAT SEXY OUTFIT FOR YOU,NOT CHRIS HEMMSWORTTTHY OR HOW EVER YOU PRONOUNCE HIS NAME.DON'T BE A FOOL. YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON THE PATH.GOT IT,DUMMY. NOW I AM GOING TO LEAVE BUT YOU KNOW THE DRILL. A-TEAM IS CALLING.BYE,FOOL."
I am sprawled out on the floor in my office,drool in the corner of my mouth. How did i get here. Oh,yeah I remember.Mr.T put foot to azz and kicked me here.
My wife is asleep in our bed.Everyone is asleep except me. I go to turn the tree off and go down stairs.
There sitting on the couch is another ghost.Then she is joined by another second ghost.The first ghost sitting on the couch looks like Oprah Winfrey, she is joined by another ghost who looks like Ashley Judd. ( I hate Ashley Judd movies with a passion.)
" Hi ,ladies What can I do for you. I do not enjoy either of your shows or acting ability or lack there of. "Oprah explains they are a choice. I look dumbfounded, I think to myself why couldn't I have gotten.Cat Dennings and Stacy Dash as ghost. But knowing these two hot ladies were in the house my wife would have turned it into a real nightmare.
Oprah tells me that one is a great future,but the other is a not-so-great future. Oprah gives my a cold beer. I drink it down and off we go.......... I am sitting alone in my house. It is dark. my children are not in their rooms and none of their personal items are there either.I am fat again.Even bigger.I am stumbling around ,drunk. I follow myself downstairs and it is a mess. I see another fat woman sitting on the couch watching television and drinking beer.She tells me we are out of beer. I don't know this woman. I see a big pile of bills on the dining room table. I see doctor bills with things like un-insurable written on them. I see "did not pass physical." Health risk" My thighs are rubbing together and the rash is back .I'm freaking out now. Where is my family.I see a photograph of my boys with their mother with a cut out head of another dude in the picture that is not me........fast forward..... I see people crying outside . It is raining and my son is holding a flower, putting it on a casket...... everyone is gone and I see the headstone and it has my name on it..... I am kneeling in front of it as Oprah speaks to me," You thought I was the good one huh! This could be your future if you do not stay on the right path. You were headed this way a short while ago. Your wife left you because you quit,could not work and you became bitter.This is not what you want."
" No! Oprah. I can't go back to this."
We go back and Ashley Judd is up. I don't make a single comment about her god awful movies. I just go to where she takes me. She just grabs my hand,no gimmicks. I am 205 pounds and stretching for a race. My wife is beside me. My boys are cheering in the crowd. me,LaVell is going to run. It makes me laugh thinking about it. I finish,where? It does not matter. I am working out,working and attending a class or two.
Ashley tells me," This one is the hardest,because you have to believe that you can maintain things. You have to commit the rest of your life to this.It can be yours if you honestly want it. I tell her that I do. I am committed and I will stay committed.
Harsh lesson huh! I did not reach my end of the year weight goal. I am twenty-five pounds off,but I am still committed. I have lost 63 pounds. That is great.I am going to reset my goal to lose 50 pound next year and continue my fight to get healthy.Essentionally the path you take will be determined by you and will be walked by you,choose wisely.
Merry Christmas. If you do not celebrate it,then my best wishes to you.