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Living again...


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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I have had a very rough 7 days. Not going into detail but just simply life was difficult as it can be sometimes. This led to an awful lot of emotional eating and just a overall negative attitude in general. Today as I write this, I am still very tired. I have had zero desire to do any workout and my eating went out the window. In short, it was quite a bender. Truth is, I will always have to fight emotional eating and binging. This is my lot, it will always be there, just waiting to swallow me up when I get upset or things get out of control.

You know, that is the way life is. It is unrealistic to maintain this high level woo-hoo enthusiasm 100% of the time. Sometimes you get sad, sometimes there is injustice. Sometimes there is anger and frustration. It is in those times that commitment carries you through like any other thing that involves a lifetime endeavor.

I cant think of new parent that doesn't get a warm fuzzy while cradling a newborn, watching in wonder as they sleep, feeling the joy as they look up at you and coo. That is the love that we all want to experience. However the kind of love necessary to see the new parent through isn't the warm fuzzy kind, it's the kind that drags them out of bed after resigning to the fact that the crying sound they hear isn't a bad dream but, yes, it is 3am and you have to be to get up for work in a few hours. It's the love that restrains the reaction to stinky vomit on the floor while comforting a sick, crying child.

Metaphorically speaking, I have been cleaning up the stinky stuff all week, no warm fuzzies, just coping with who I am and trying to love myself in spite of it all. It is in moments like this that I realize that this is what loving myself is all about. Accepting the frailties and faults, to clean up the scraped knee, the boo boos, to let myself know that it's ok to be me, lumps, bumps, and all.

So here I am, digging myself out from under a pile of pizza crusts....again.

Obesity recovery is never complete. It isn't a "lose 100 pounds and live happily ever after" sort of experience any more than anything other type of substance abuse recovery. While pizza is far from pot, from my reading on addiction, so many of the abusive behaviors are hauntingly similar. The similarity of running to a destructive habit to cope with the stresses of life, the tossing of everything I am trying to accomplish behind me so I can then go and indulge rather than simply enjoy, the feelings of guilt and hypocrisy. The sacrificing of tomorrows victories so I can indulge my self pity today. I am convinced that if I did drink (which I don't), I would probably have leanings toward alcohol abuse.

This is where my strength really shows. It is not in how well I never fail, it's in how well I bounce back and keep going. I think that some of that is because I am beginning to love myself and that love involves cleaning up the messes as well as rejoicing in the victories.

I think this is the real reason why I push myself to do the things I do with almost a religious fervor. It's not only for me , but it is also for others. People mistakenly think that they have to be perfect before they can do things, big things, epic things. Some fall all to pieces if the scale does not line up to their expectations or if they mess up in the least bit. I am living proof that you don't have to have it all together, rather it is a committed sort of love for myself that saw me through and continues to do so. Every time you get back up, your strength is made perfect.

It is my goal to show the world that it is a mistake to wait until everything is just right before trying to do something. That you can be chubby and be epic all at the same time. That being successful doesn't begin when you have a models body, the six pack or the hawt look. Success begins the day you refuse to be ruled by societal expectations of what obese people are supposed to do and not do.

My goal is to be a champion. A champion in showing the world that obesity can not only be overcome but you can also do something big. If an everyday guy like me can do it with all of my flops, anyone can become a champion in their own arena.

When I cross the finish line of my first 70.3 next August, I will be carrying something with me that will represent the millions of people who have lost hope that they can ever turn it around. Who look in the mirror and cry when no one is looking, who struggle every day with wanting to give up because they feel that they are so far gone that they will never get their life back. I'm not sure if I will have something made or what, but i want something that says "Obesity Survivor"

If you are one of those people, I will be doing this triathlon for YOU.

Morbid obesity kills you every day, not just physically but emotionally as well. One day, many of us decided to quit living and just exist, just cope. Shielding oneself from the pain of reality, we come up with all sorts of coping mechanisms rather than confronting our condition head on.

I am here to tell you that being morbidly obese is not the end, it isn't a death sentence.

I am going to show the world that you can live again. If that is the only meaningful mission in my life then it will be a worthwhile one.

Link To My Public Blog... mailboxes2miles.blogspot
.com/
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
JOANNHUNT 12/26/2012 10:34AM

    Nicely said. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KANOE10 12/26/2012 10:30AM

    Weight addiction is managed not cured. You are right. The important thing is bouncing back and getting on track.


emoticon

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SHOAPIE 12/26/2012 10:30AM

    emoticon

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CATIATM 12/26/2012 10:27AM

    emoticon

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WALLINMW 12/26/2012 10:09AM

  Merry Christmas!

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KAYYAK1 12/26/2012 10:03AM

  You have shown me that I can do it. Thank you.

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MOBYCARP 12/26/2012 9:58AM

    I'm not an obesity survivor in the sense you mean; my brief trips into obese territory by BMI measurement were brief and only on the edges. But I find that I am vulnerable to some of the same behaviors, to a lesser degree, that obesity survivors on the Spark describe. Even though I've never been morbidly obese, I have benefitted from reading about the struggles described by those who have been.

Thank you for this blog. It reminds me of my own binge tendencies. Even though my binge tendencies don't have the force behind them that you and others describe, I need to pay attention and not let the tendencies become reality.

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APPLEPIEAPPLE 12/26/2012 9:51AM

    We have all had our low points now and then. The key is overcoming them. emoticon

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LIV2RIDE 12/26/2012 9:33AM

    If it weren't for the lows you couldn't appreciate the highs as much. You are bouncing back much quicker than before and that is definitely something to celebrate.

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NCSUE0514 12/26/2012 9:30AM

    emoticon

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WORKNPROGRESS49 12/26/2012 9:14AM

    emoticon

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OFGREENGABLES 12/26/2012 8:48AM

    thanks for sharing

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KATHIC2 12/26/2012 8:48AM

  We all have these moments, days, "slippery slopes"...it is part of the human condition. I think you have great insight and determination. You are and will be a champion.

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KITT52 12/26/2012 8:40AM

    hugs

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DJSHIP46 12/26/2012 8:27AM

    Hang in there... emoticon

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ANGIEN9 12/26/2012 8:15AM

    I am so inspired by your words. I have read some amazing blogs and of the ones I have read...yours is in the top!! Your words could have come out of my mouth...on any other day, if I was so eloquent!

Please know you have touched my heart this day and I am better for it! Thank you for sharing!! I am going to go to your link. I think it must be amazing, too!!

Thanks!!

Angie emoticon

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LIFETIMER54 12/26/2012 8:15AM

  Hang in there, the better days are right in front of you, just keep going forward.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIMIDOT 12/26/2012 8:06AM

    Sorry you have to go through this, but you are strong and can do it. Today is a new day, so forget yesterday and spark on. You can do it!

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FARIS71 12/26/2012 7:38AM

    Awesome! I'm digging out from candy wrappers and getting back up too. This blog was a huge help today.

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BECKYANNE1 12/26/2012 7:37AM

    Sorry you're going thru this. I've finally reached my goal, but I know it's not over. It won't ever truly be over. I will have to constantly watch what and how much I eat daily. I will allow myself the binges, but as long as we get back on the wagon, we'll be ok. This is a lifetime thing. One that many wouldn't understand because they haven't gotten to this point yet or they don't need to get here. Keep moving forward!

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AMANDACOETZER 12/26/2012 6:44AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MARYBETH4884 12/26/2012 6:33AM

    I'm sorry you have been have a hard time. But your blog is inspirational! You are always telling us it is possible! So here's a hug to help with the booboo and get back to your play time because that is where you learn you can do anything!! You will do great in August! Good luck with your training!

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GRAMPIAN 12/26/2012 6:29AM

  Hope things get better for you soon emoticon .

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JADASMOM2 12/26/2012 5:35AM

  I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time. I know what it's like. I suffer from depression. I'm bipolar so I sometimes swing. When I'm down I tend to binge. Hang in there.

' emoticon

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CLAIREINPARIS 12/26/2012 2:56AM

    Sorry you had a tough time! But good for you for not letting it discourage you. That's the way to go! Thank you for a very inspiring blog.

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GOING-STRONG 12/25/2012 11:51PM

    emoticon

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ALDEBARANIAN 12/25/2012 10:10PM

    Yup. Overeating can be just as self-destructive a behavior as other kinds of addiction. Like someone said, it isn't the goal, it's the journey.

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SWIM53055 12/25/2012 9:17PM

  AMEN!! Well said!

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DEE797 12/25/2012 9:01PM

    I love this line..."This is where my strength really shows. It is not in how well I never fail, it's in how well I bounce back and keep going." We all have had our ups and downs at some point along our journeys. This time of year is especially tough for me... Wishing you all the best on your journey! emoticon emoticon

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REGILIEH 12/25/2012 8:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon You WILL overcome! It will be better again.

Don't forget, you are emoticon !!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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123ELAINE456 12/25/2012 6:27PM

  You can come back and get on track. Things like this happens to all of us. You Can Do It. Just Hang In There. This is The WAY TO GO!!! I hope You and Your Family have a Very Merry Christmas this year. Jesus Is The Reason For The Season. Happy Birtday Jesus. Enjoy the day with Your Love Ones. God Bless You and Family. Stay Safe and Warm. Take Care.

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DALID414 12/25/2012 5:59PM

    Deal with this head on emoticon

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JPONCIN 12/25/2012 5:09PM

    I love your resilience. You always bounce back and nothing can destroy you. That's what makes you a champion.

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NUMD97 12/25/2012 4:49PM

    I'm really sorry, Robert, that you had a rough week. I hope that you got the emotional support of the ones nearest to you to help you to "dig out". Even though we don't do this whole journey thing for them, when it gets really rough out there, for whatever reason, and we momentarily fail, it's nice to have a great support system.

Remember the beautiful blessings that you have. It's what makes this whole life journey worthwhile.

I wish you godspeed, Robert, and all the best, as you continue on your quest to better health,

Nu

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