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    ON2VICTORY   47,202
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Living again...

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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I have had a very rough 7 days. Not going into detail but just simply life was difficult as it can be sometimes. This led to an awful lot of emotional eating and just a overall negative attitude in general. Today as I write this, I am still very tired. I have had zero desire to do any workout and my eating went out the window. In short, it was quite a bender. Truth is, I will always have to fight emotional eating and binging. This is my lot, it will always be there, just waiting to swallow me up when I get upset or things get out of control.

You know, that is the way life is. It is unrealistic to maintain this high level woo-hoo enthusiasm 100% of the time. Sometimes you get sad, sometimes there is injustice. Sometimes there is anger and frustration. It is in those times that commitment carries you through like any other thing that involves a lifetime endeavor.

I cant think of new parent that doesn't get a warm fuzzy while cradling a newborn, watching in wonder as they sleep, feeling the joy as they look up at you and coo. That is the love that we all want to experience. However the kind of love necessary to see the new parent through isn't the warm fuzzy kind, it's the kind that drags them out of bed after resigning to the fact that the crying sound they hear isn't a bad dream but, yes, it is 3am and you have to be to get up for work in a few hours. It's the love that restrains the reaction to stinky vomit on the floor while comforting a sick, crying child.

Metaphorically speaking, I have been cleaning up the stinky stuff all week, no warm fuzzies, just coping with who I am and trying to love myself in spite of it all. It is in moments like this that I realize that this is what loving myself is all about. Accepting the frailties and faults, to clean up the scraped knee, the boo boos, to let myself know that it's ok to be me, lumps, bumps, and all.

So here I am, digging myself out from under a pile of pizza crusts....again.

Obesity recovery is never complete. It isn't a "lose 100 pounds and live happily ever after" sort of experience any more than anything other type of substance abuse recovery. While pizza is far from pot, from my reading on addiction, so many of the abusive behaviors are hauntingly similar. The similarity of running to a destructive habit to cope with the stresses of life, the tossing of everything I am trying to accomplish behind me so I can then go and indulge rather than simply enjoy, the feelings of guilt and hypocrisy. The sacrificing of tomorrows victories so I can indulge my self pity today. I am convinced that if I did drink (which I don't), I would probably have leanings toward alcohol abuse.

This is where my strength really shows. It is not in how well I never fail, it's in how well I bounce back and keep going. I think that some of that is because I am beginning to love myself and that love involves cleaning up the messes as well as rejoicing in the victories.

I think this is the real reason why I push myself to do the things I do with almost a religious fervor. It's not only for me , but it is also for others. People mistakenly think that they have to be perfect before they can do things, big things, epic things. Some fall all to pieces if the scale does not line up to their expectations or if they mess up in the least bit. I am living proof that you don't have to have it all together, rather it is a committed sort of love for myself that saw me through and continues to do so. Every time you get back up, your strength is made perfect.

It is my goal to show the world that it is a mistake to wait until everything is just right before trying to do something. That you can be chubby and be epic all at the same time. That being successful doesn't begin when you have a models body, the six pack or the hawt look. Success begins the day you refuse to be ruled by societal expectations of what obese people are supposed to do and not do.

My goal is to be a champion. A champion in showing the world that obesity can not only be overcome but you can also do something big. If an everyday guy like me can do it with all of my flops, anyone can become a champion in their own arena.

When I cross the finish line of my first 70.3 next August, I will be carrying something with me that will represent the millions of people who have lost hope that they can ever turn it around. Who look in the mirror and cry when no one is looking, who struggle every day with wanting to give up because they feel that they are so far gone that they will never get their life back. I'm not sure if I will have something made or what, but i want something that says "Obesity Survivor"

If you are one of those people, I will be doing this triathlon for YOU.

Morbid obesity kills you every day, not just physically but emotionally as well. One day, many of us decided to quit living and just exist, just cope. Shielding oneself from the pain of reality, we come up with all sorts of coping mechanisms rather than confronting our condition head on.

I am here to tell you that being morbidly obese is not the end, it isn't a death sentence.

I am going to show the world that you can live again. If that is the only meaningful mission in my life then it will be a worthwhile one.

Link To My Public Blog... mailboxes2miles.blogspot
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IN102WIN 12/27/2012 12:37PM

    I can totally support your post!!! There are days where you give in to eating every and anything!!! Thanks for the post because it seems like no one else goes through these feelings and you showed us that it happens to everyone and the point is not to wallow in misery!!! Well done!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NOMOREEXCUSES83 12/27/2012 12:32PM

  thank you. this is just what I needed to read at this moment in my life. SO thank you and when you cross that finish line know that you did it for all of us.

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LAURIE5658 12/27/2012 12:25PM

    Great blog AGAIN, Robert. Personally, I may look thin(ner) on the outside but inside I am still that obese child with deep deep wounds that will never heal. The important thing is at age 54, I am just now starting to come to grips with it. yes, it takes that long. I very much have addictive tendancies and that will never leave me as it isa part of me. I (we) just need to live with it and try to outsmart it on a daily if not hourly basis. After all, look at us now as opposed to us 10 years ago!!!

We RAWK!!!!

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NEVERGIVEUP 12/27/2012 12:00PM

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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3G1RLS4ME 12/27/2012 11:50AM

    We can beat this all of us wil be routing for you come next aug.

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BRANDIM_81 12/27/2012 11:49AM

    Thank you for sharing your struggles and your commitment to victory. I have been in just this place for about the last month and just felt like I couldn't get going again. but you are right. It isn't about how we don't fail...it is about how we deal with that failure! Thank you!

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HORSESHOEHONEY 12/27/2012 10:57AM

    emoticon

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WILSON1926 12/27/2012 10:13AM

    emoticon emoticon

Hang in There Please
Michael

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NEWTINK 12/27/2012 9:52AM

    You can do this .. we all can do it ... thank you for such a wonderful heartfelt blog emoticon

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EMMELINEE3 12/27/2012 9:50AM

    I had to keep scrolling down in order to post a thought because each one of us took the time to read this blog and while each one of us read this blog it hit each one of us and that is a message also that we are not alone on this fight. Obesity is a form of malignancy on the spirit that must be overcome. I truly understood what you meant about binging becomes a form of just existing and not living and I realize I am paraphrazing but I am still meditating on your words. I want to absorb everything you said to help me gain the strength to stand back up and fight again; I too have had some pretty bad days this last ten days.

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ORANGE81 12/27/2012 9:33AM

    After a week of being sick and not tracking and eating the wrong foods and I could barley breathe so I didn't exercise I do feel like such a waste. ANd how I undid the good of 3 plus months. Then I read your blog and I feel better as you said I can not always be perfect and I need to pick my self up and start again. Thanks life was very hard when I was 260 pounds and only 5 foot three. I like feeling healthy and today I feel better in so many ways after your blog. Thank you again.

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JIBBIE49 12/27/2012 9:31AM

    emoticon Great to see your blog featured in the Spark Mail. What an honor. emoticon Happy New Year 2013 emoticon

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PHOENIX1217 12/27/2012 8:14AM

    Truer words were never spoken! Thank you for willingly sharing your pain and acceptance that this isn't just a "diet" but a WHOLE LIFE CHANGE. I finally came to the realization and acceptance myself as well as realizing "perfection" is not a goal but an evil deceiver of life. Seeking perfection is dooming yourself to fail. Allowing yourself to have a "down time" is OK knowing that once you've worked thru it you pull your big girl (or big boy!) pants back on and get back in to your new life and work toward finding new ways of coping.

Good Luck and as someone else said I hope your have your Woo Hoo feeling back soon!!

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Comment edited on: 12/27/2012 8:16:55 AM

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NILLAPEPSI 12/27/2012 7:53AM

    Hope you are able to get back to emoticon soon. emoticon blog.

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NUOVAELLE 12/27/2012 7:40AM

    Real-life, wise and powerful. That's what your blogs always are. I don't know if it's the only meaningful mission in your life. What I know for sure is that it's already a successful mission.
Keep on sparking!
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CLUMBOY 12/27/2012 7:25AM

    thank you. glad to see you are crawling out from under the pizza boxes. good for you!

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JSTETSER 12/27/2012 7:10AM

    I love it!
Read my blog about acceptance! It talks about thesame important message.

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ROUNDTOWNMOM 12/27/2012 6:27AM

    Ah, emotional eating. That monster invaded my house this season and hasn't seemed to want to leave. Of course, I've not done much to discourage that monster either. Thanks for the help - as usual - today when I seem to need it most.

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STEVIEBEE569 12/27/2012 5:41AM

    Yep, like others have stated emoticon

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NEWCHINELO 12/27/2012 5:26AM

    Yes . . .we are in this journey and we are already winning this battle.

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1DRWOMAN 12/27/2012 3:25AM

    Thank you! Amazing blog!

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WORTHART 12/27/2012 2:11AM

    I'm glad you found your way out of the pizza crusts.

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BLUEJEAN99 12/27/2012 1:49AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SUNSHINE582 12/27/2012 1:25AM

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SUNSHINE582 12/27/2012 1:22AM

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MARYJEANSL 12/26/2012 10:50PM

  You are very right in what you say. I can definitely relate. I will be cheering for you in your triathlon! Thank you for writing what I am sure many of us feel.

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KATHY_NATURELVR 12/26/2012 10:18PM

    Stay strong when you can Robert, we can't be perfect every single day but you seem to be best at picking yourself up and moving forward.
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CLAYARTIST 12/26/2012 10:13PM

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JAMER123 12/26/2012 10:11PM

    Great blog and posting!! I understand the thought process you are dealing with and I seem to have a day or two in a month or couple weeks that I decide(or my brain does) that sweets are mandatory. I listen:)P Hang in there and this too shall pass.
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JUNEAU2010 12/26/2012 9:30PM

    emoticon for posting this blog! It takes a lot of courage to post a blog like this. ON2VICTORY indeed! I like what you said about emotional eating and about obesity. I am one of those about whom you could have been writing.

KUDOS for backing out of the pizza box and looking forward!
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ONLYTEMPORARY 12/26/2012 9:30PM

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HEARTS116 12/26/2012 8:38PM

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ROCKYCPA 12/26/2012 8:35PM

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CLPURNELL 12/26/2012 6:45PM

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GOOSIEMOON 12/26/2012 6:06PM

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KARRENLYNN 12/26/2012 5:45PM

    Great attitude. Some days are better and some aren't. Life isn't perfect and it's ok for us not to be either. As long as we keep looking and moving forward we are winners and we'll be alright.

I hope 2013 is an awesome year and you accomplish everything you want for yourself.

Karen

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ALIDOSHA 12/26/2012 5:17PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PATRICIAANN46 12/26/2012 5:15PM

  You are so inspiring!!!!! You say it like it is and in a way that we can understand. emoticon

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KEIPONY 12/26/2012 4:01PM

    You always have the right words at the right time for me.....you must be my "secret" coach. I needed to hear this and I feel the same way, just that I'm in the beginning of this struggle and am having a difficult time believing in myself and cheering myself on.

Thank you, take care

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FROMNDTOGA 12/26/2012 3:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

We've all been there and we can get better!
clm

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DIANNEMT 12/26/2012 3:49PM

    Hang in there!! You can do it!

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ONEKIDSMOM 12/26/2012 3:46PM

    I know where you are coming from. I have never been technically morbidly obese, but I've been close. At a slight 5 3 and a fraction, 225 pounds has a BMI of 38.9, pretty doggone close. According to one article I read, 39 is considered morbidly obese.

Now, weighing in with what I consider to be the center of my range at a healthy 122, or BMI of 21.3, I know what it took to get here: multiple tries, with relapses. It is NOT an easy journey, but the longer I stay in the healthy range, the more convinced I am that it is worth being here.

Like you, I do this for myself and my health. But I blog publicly on Spark People so that others in similar straights may have hope. Hope of long-term success. I find it is essential for me to maintain honesty with myself and with others when I slip. Therefore I applaud your similar honesty when you have a rough patch. It's this that will make it possible for that "never failing", "never giving up".

Good luck, and I shall be following along as you train for that TRI... and as I train for my own 2013 bucket list item.

Spark on!

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SANDYCRANE 12/26/2012 2:57PM

    Obesity recovery, that sentence was so powerful. You really need to write a book, your insight is amazing.

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LINDAKAY228 12/26/2012 2:03PM

    thanks for sharing your ups and downs with us. I know I benefit from reading of the struggles of my friends as well as their successes. When all I read is successes, it makes me feel bad because I don't succeed as much as I want to. but we all are imperfect, and being honest about struggles and triumphs helps others as well as ourselves. I know you can do this. I appreciate the work you are putting in to benefit yourself but also to benefit all those others out there, like me, who need reminders that because we messed up doesn't me that it is all over. I know how to get back on track, and I am working on it. But I know of others who feel so overwhelmingly hopeless by their mistakes. You are a champion!

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-STARRYEYED- 12/26/2012 12:26PM

    Thank you so much for sharing!! You are such an inspiration to me. Training for my first half & I don't think I would have the "audacity" to think I could do a half as a morbidly obese person until I read your blogs. Thank you, thank you!!!

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SJKENT1 12/26/2012 12:23PM

    Life is just that... stumbling, bumbling, victory, walking, running, breathing, holding on, stepping one step at a time, falling, getting up... it is a journey. One we all share in different ways.

May you continue to find that strength - that truth - to keep going, because you are, Robert, On2Victory!!!

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SWIMLOVER 12/26/2012 12:13PM

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We are all in this Healthy Journey together!! emoticon emoticon
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Recovery is really a Lifetime Thing!

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TRYINGHARD54 12/26/2012 11:38AM

    this is a life long change. thats why I just aint got it yet...

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FAVORITEAUNT84 12/26/2012 11:23AM

    Recovery is a life long journey. Knowing that we're not on it alone helps so much. I love that you are so honest about bad days as well as good. It's easy to share about triumphs, not so easy to tell about our moments of 'human-ness'.

Hugs to you, my friend. You are so brave. emoticon

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CHANGINGSAM 12/26/2012 11:01AM

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