I have had a very rough 7 days. Not going into detail but just simply life was difficult as it can be sometimes. This led to an awful lot of emotional eating and just a overall negative attitude in general. Today as I write this, I am still very tired. I have had zero desire to do any workout and my eating went out the window. In short, it was quite a bender. Truth is, I will always have to fight emotional eating and binging. This is my lot, it will always be there, just waiting to swallow me up when I get upset or things get out of control.
You know, that is the way life is. It is unrealistic to maintain this high level woo-hoo enthusiasm 100% of the time. Sometimes you get sad, sometimes there is injustice. Sometimes there is anger and frustration. It is in those times that commitment carries you through like any other thing that involves a lifetime endeavor.
I cant think of new parent that doesn't get a warm fuzzy while cradling a newborn, watching in wonder as they sleep, feeling the joy as they look up at you and coo. That is the love that we all want to experience. However the kind of love necessary to see the new parent through isn't the warm fuzzy kind, it's the kind that drags them out of bed after resigning to the fact that the crying sound they hear isn't a bad dream but, yes, it is 3am and you have to be to get up for work in a few hours. It's the love that restrains the reaction to stinky vomit on the floor while comforting a sick, crying child.
Metaphorically speaking, I have been cleaning up the stinky stuff all week, no warm fuzzies, just coping with who I am and trying to love myself in spite of it all. It is in moments like this that I realize that this is what loving myself is all about. Accepting the frailties and faults, to clean up the scraped knee, the boo boos, to let myself know that it's ok to be me, lumps, bumps, and all.
So here I am, digging myself out from under a pile of pizza crusts....again.
Obesity recovery is never complete. It isn't a "lose 100 pounds and live happily ever after" sort of experience any more than anything other type of substance abuse recovery. While pizza is far from pot, from my reading on addiction, so many of the abusive behaviors are hauntingly similar. The similarity of running to a destructive habit to cope with the stresses of life, the tossing of everything I am trying to accomplish behind me so I can then go and indulge rather than simply enjoy, the feelings of guilt and hypocrisy. The sacrificing of tomorrows victories so I can indulge my self pity today. I am convinced that if I did drink (which I don't), I would probably have leanings toward alcohol abuse.
This is where my strength really shows. It is not in how well I never fail, it's in how well I bounce back and keep going. I think that some of that is because I am beginning to love myself and that love involves cleaning up the messes as well as rejoicing in the victories.
I think this is the real reason why I push myself to do the things I do with almost a religious fervor. It's not only for me , but it is also for others. People mistakenly think that they have to be perfect before they can do things, big things, epic things. Some fall all to pieces if the scale does not line up to their expectations or if they mess up in the least bit. I am living proof that you don't have to have it all together, rather it is a committed sort of love for myself that saw me through and continues to do so. Every time you get back up, your strength is made perfect.
It is my goal to show the world that it is a mistake to wait until everything is just right before trying to do something. That you can be chubby and be epic all at the same time. That being successful doesn't begin when you have a models body, the six pack or the hawt look. Success begins the day you refuse to be ruled by societal expectations of what obese people are supposed to do and not do.
My goal is to be a champion. A champion in showing the world that obesity can not only be overcome but you can also do something big. If an everyday guy like me can do it with all of my flops, anyone can become a champion in their own arena.
When I cross the finish line of my first 70.3 next August, I will be carrying something with me that will represent the millions of people who have lost hope that they can ever turn it around. Who look in the mirror and cry when no one is looking, who struggle every day with wanting to give up because they feel that they are so far gone that they will never get their life back. I'm not sure if I will have something made or what, but i want something that says "Obesity Survivor"
If you are one of those people, I will be doing this triathlon for YOU.
Morbid obesity kills you every day, not just physically but emotionally as well. One day, many of us decided to quit living and just exist, just cope. Shielding oneself from the pain of reality, we come up with all sorts of coping mechanisms rather than confronting our condition head on.
I am here to tell you that being morbidly obese is not the end, it isn't a death sentence.
I am going to show the world that you can live again. If that is the only meaningful mission in my life then it will be a worthwhile one.
Link To My Public Blog... mailboxes2miles.blogspot