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Living again...


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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I have had a very rough 7 days. Not going into detail but just simply life was difficult as it can be sometimes. This led to an awful lot of emotional eating and just a overall negative attitude in general. Today as I write this, I am still very tired. I have had zero desire to do any workout and my eating went out the window. In short, it was quite a bender. Truth is, I will always have to fight emotional eating and binging. This is my lot, it will always be there, just waiting to swallow me up when I get upset or things get out of control.

You know, that is the way life is. It is unrealistic to maintain this high level woo-hoo enthusiasm 100% of the time. Sometimes you get sad, sometimes there is injustice. Sometimes there is anger and frustration. It is in those times that commitment carries you through like any other thing that involves a lifetime endeavor.

I cant think of new parent that doesn't get a warm fuzzy while cradling a newborn, watching in wonder as they sleep, feeling the joy as they look up at you and coo. That is the love that we all want to experience. However the kind of love necessary to see the new parent through isn't the warm fuzzy kind, it's the kind that drags them out of bed after resigning to the fact that the crying sound they hear isn't a bad dream but, yes, it is 3am and you have to be to get up for work in a few hours. It's the love that restrains the reaction to stinky vomit on the floor while comforting a sick, crying child.

Metaphorically speaking, I have been cleaning up the stinky stuff all week, no warm fuzzies, just coping with who I am and trying to love myself in spite of it all. It is in moments like this that I realize that this is what loving myself is all about. Accepting the frailties and faults, to clean up the scraped knee, the boo boos, to let myself know that it's ok to be me, lumps, bumps, and all.

So here I am, digging myself out from under a pile of pizza crusts....again.

Obesity recovery is never complete. It isn't a "lose 100 pounds and live happily ever after" sort of experience any more than anything other type of substance abuse recovery. While pizza is far from pot, from my reading on addiction, so many of the abusive behaviors are hauntingly similar. The similarity of running to a destructive habit to cope with the stresses of life, the tossing of everything I am trying to accomplish behind me so I can then go and indulge rather than simply enjoy, the feelings of guilt and hypocrisy. The sacrificing of tomorrows victories so I can indulge my self pity today. I am convinced that if I did drink (which I don't), I would probably have leanings toward alcohol abuse.

This is where my strength really shows. It is not in how well I never fail, it's in how well I bounce back and keep going. I think that some of that is because I am beginning to love myself and that love involves cleaning up the messes as well as rejoicing in the victories.

I think this is the real reason why I push myself to do the things I do with almost a religious fervor. It's not only for me , but it is also for others. People mistakenly think that they have to be perfect before they can do things, big things, epic things. Some fall all to pieces if the scale does not line up to their expectations or if they mess up in the least bit. I am living proof that you don't have to have it all together, rather it is a committed sort of love for myself that saw me through and continues to do so. Every time you get back up, your strength is made perfect.

It is my goal to show the world that it is a mistake to wait until everything is just right before trying to do something. That you can be chubby and be epic all at the same time. That being successful doesn't begin when you have a models body, the six pack or the hawt look. Success begins the day you refuse to be ruled by societal expectations of what obese people are supposed to do and not do.

My goal is to be a champion. A champion in showing the world that obesity can not only be overcome but you can also do something big. If an everyday guy like me can do it with all of my flops, anyone can become a champion in their own arena.

When I cross the finish line of my first 70.3 next August, I will be carrying something with me that will represent the millions of people who have lost hope that they can ever turn it around. Who look in the mirror and cry when no one is looking, who struggle every day with wanting to give up because they feel that they are so far gone that they will never get their life back. I'm not sure if I will have something made or what, but i want something that says "Obesity Survivor"

If you are one of those people, I will be doing this triathlon for YOU.

Morbid obesity kills you every day, not just physically but emotionally as well. One day, many of us decided to quit living and just exist, just cope. Shielding oneself from the pain of reality, we come up with all sorts of coping mechanisms rather than confronting our condition head on.

I am here to tell you that being morbidly obese is not the end, it isn't a death sentence.

I am going to show the world that you can live again. If that is the only meaningful mission in my life then it will be a worthwhile one.

Link To My Public Blog... mailboxes2miles.blogspot
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CATNCAG 7/2/2013 4:54PM

    Wow that is DEEP! I am totally with u as I've been morbidly obese since about 1st grade & I'm setting out to change it once & for all!!! This practically brought me to tears because I can SO RELATE!

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Me 2 - this is one of my favorite foods!!! emoticon

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HOLATERESA 1/17/2013 11:39AM

    All I can say is "WOW" Thank you for sharing these thoughts!

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COFFEELADY68 1/13/2013 7:22PM

    Thank you for your honesty and for sharing! I can so relate to your struggle. It's a blessing that we can be here to support and encourage one another through SP! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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55SERENDIPITY 1/11/2013 3:24AM

  Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!!!! Thank you, again, Robert, for putting those thoughts out there that so many of us have all bundled up inside!

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LISA_FRAME 1/9/2013 12:48PM

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BRIAN36 1/7/2013 11:35AM

    I keep replacing my coping mechanism rather than deal with the problem.

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SERASARA 1/2/2013 8:18PM

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SPTERRIV 12/31/2012 2:43PM

    emoticon
Tough week for many in a lot of different ways, but I love your spirit! You are definitely "ON2VICTORY"!!!

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NIGHTSKYSTAR 12/30/2012 2:31PM

    I'm hoping everything is ok Robert..I'm here if you need to talk. This is a wonderful blog..thank you. You speak to us all...

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FIRECOM 12/30/2012 12:36PM

    When one speaks from the heart, it is incredible and you are that person. I always love your blogs but this one is going to be a tough act to follow.

God bless.

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TURNINGTABLES21 12/30/2012 10:22AM

  This is the best of many, many fantastic blogs by you.

I think you are my intellectual and emotional doppelganger.

Happy New Year. It's gonna be a great one!

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SPARKABELLA13 12/30/2012 8:24AM

    Failure isn't in falling ... it's in the refusal to pick oneself up again.

You ROCK!!!!

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LINDAK25 12/29/2012 12:12PM

    Um, excuse me, are you reading my mind?!

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EGR2BEME 12/29/2012 9:09AM

    many thanks! You touched many - based on the reactions to your post!

Wishing you daily strength, courage and motivation...wishing it for me too!

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FUZZYMOTO 12/29/2012 7:01AM

    Thank you once again for saying what I needed to here. I too struggle during this time of year. And having had a injury two months ago just when I was ramping up for the more intense winter workouts really set me back and it has been extreamly hard to get committed again now that I have recovered from the calf injury.

Thank you for helping me forgive myself for slacking off some much and overeating as a reaction to the injury and frustration. I will push harder now to do what I need to do to move forward once more. emoticon

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SHIRE33 12/29/2012 12:12AM

    Thank you. I've had such a hard time getting back on track, floundering since August after a lot of success. I know I can get back into it. This motivates me to keep at it, to make some successful steps.


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BERTA6978 12/28/2012 7:29PM

    Thank you for sharing. Great blog. emoticon

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PORTIAWILLIS 12/28/2012 5:15PM

    Thanks so much for your honesty. I have needed to lose 20lbs to 30lbs all my adult life but could never lose and keep it off. It may not sound like much for you but it has been the same struggle only on a smaller scale for me. The self hatred, wondering why I couldn't do it when I hate being fat. This time I have decided not to weigh because it is really about me and not the weight. This post is wonderful and I praying for all our successes

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IMAGINE46 12/28/2012 4:06PM

  Excellent post. Thank you!

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COOKIE_AT_51 12/28/2012 3:49PM

    Love the honesty and insight ... you make it real. It is a tough fight and you offer hope and the assurance that we are not alone.
You are doing fantastic ... like you said, time to crawl out from under the pizza boxes. I am getting ready to do the same thing except my "hiatus" has been months and not days. You are always an inspiration, thank you again!
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BLESSED2BEME 12/28/2012 12:47PM

    I too will be fighting emotional and binge eating for the rest of my life. I've had people tell me that counseling will help me deal with the issues that bring on the emotional eating but the truth is - life happens - there will always be triggers no matter what!

Thanks for sharing this. I needed to hear it!

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HFAYE81 12/28/2012 12:44PM

    Thanks for posting this. I have had problems with alcohol and tobacco as well as food...you're right; they are shockingly similar. The triggers as well as the emotional undercurrents.
You will be doing the 70.3 for me among many others, and I'm thankful for that. You continue to inspire me, as you did 30 lb ago (mine) when you accepted my Sparkfriend request. And when I do the Princess Half in 2014, I'll be doing it for people like us, BECAUSE of people like you.

Thank you. emoticon

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CHRISTINASP 12/28/2012 10:09AM

    I'm very touched by this entry. Thank you for writing it.

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PENOWOK 12/28/2012 9:18AM

    Thank you. I have also seen/felt the addiction of foods in my life. Having overcome the addiction of alcohol at an early age and truly only by the grace of God, I understand the challenge and frustration. I can survive with no booze. I can't survive without food. Once I start, it's very difficult to stop or even moderate unless I am accountable. That's what makes SP so great! Thanks for writing!!

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SUSANK16 12/28/2012 5:39AM

  Thank you - we all struggle through things emotionally. You wrote it well and it touched me. I too have had some emotional issues of late and am trying to get back on track. It is always and will always be an issue but if we forgive ourselves and move on we can make it

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PLITIN 12/28/2012 12:36AM

    Great words! Some just picked me up where I am today... and I needed that! Thanks!

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DAVIDPRESCOTT 12/27/2012 11:45PM

    What a great blog and very courageous of you to dig into those emotions we spend so much time trying to eat down.

I can identify with your addictive personality comment. Smoking, drinking (fortunately no longer to the point of falling down), gambling (hopefully over that one), over eating. Gosh I even chew my nails!

If someone had offered me crack when I was younger I would probably be a crack addict as well! lol

Its when you feel you and your life have little or no value or worth that these addictions gnaw away at us.

Thanks for your blog and I think you have inspired me to blog about my addictions.

I have added you as a friend - hope thats ok:)

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TMCK-40 12/27/2012 11:26PM

  You can do this! No one said it would be easy, just that you will have support and encouragement along the way!

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KWHAMOU 12/27/2012 11:15PM

  Thank you! This was right on time. You put words to all my mixed up feelings. Allowing your true self to show through and be my reflection is my "warm fuzzy" for the month. Stay blessed.

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REENIE131 12/27/2012 10:35PM

    Thank you for posting, I really needed to read this right now.

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MANDAROSE80 12/27/2012 10:14PM

    Thanks for sharing!

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NEWMOM20121 12/27/2012 9:57PM

    You can do it. You have the tools. Know that we are all pulling for you.

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LIVINHEALTHY9 12/27/2012 9:18PM

    Stay strong!

Good blog. It hit home with me.

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KATRINAKRAUT 12/27/2012 8:38PM

    This should be published. Valid, well written and based in reality. Thank you.

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MSMOSTIMPROVED 12/27/2012 8:20PM

    You got this!!! We love and support you.

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MANILUS 12/27/2012 7:45PM

    Living with relapsing of eating is a fact and we have to dust ourselves off and move on. Great attitude, love the mission!!

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PURPLE180 12/27/2012 7:29PM

    emoticon

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DONNA5456 12/27/2012 7:19PM

  Just what I needed - thanks for putting it into words

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LAWANDMUSIC 12/27/2012 6:43PM

    Great blog. Keep it up. All will be well. Soon.

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CICELY360 12/27/2012 5:52PM

  good blog

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AJB121299 12/27/2012 5:16PM

    nice and thanks for sharing

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SUZECOOKS 12/27/2012 4:42PM

    Thanks for sharing. It's such a constant journey. Always learning, making it through each day on track - or not. Not giving up is a big deal. Coming back here is a success. You are doing it. You are human. I've learned from you today. emoticon

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CHANGING-TURTLE 12/27/2012 4:10PM

    emoticon

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FIZZYBALL 12/27/2012 3:57PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LJOYCE55 12/27/2012 3:37PM

  I really relate to the sentence that you can be chubby and still be epic. Thank you for sharing.

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CRAZYGIRLSAM 12/27/2012 3:04PM

  Thank you so much for sharing this, it can be discouraging seeing all these people who have turned it around thinking they are perfect. Then looking at yourself and seeing every time you have messed up. It's really encouraging to know that even the people who have succeeded have days where they struggle. I can't wait to read the blog after you finish the triathlon. I'm rooting for you!

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JANETTEB553 12/27/2012 2:30PM

    emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 12/27/2012 1:39PM

    Thank you for reminding me today how far I've come from existing! I need to feel the progress, because my "Now" is so much better than 2.5 yrs ago- even on days like today when I ate too many crackers for lunch-- oh well, moving on!

I especially appreciate your description of self-love. I have heard a lot about forgiving yourself for screwing up, but just to embrace yourself.... as is, is something people don't write as much about- I think that's 100% dead-on!

Btw, I'm right there with you- one bite away from going down binge lane. I need to be reminded that I don't want to ever go back there... and that one bad day does not equal me going back there....

I hope today is a good day- sometimes it's important that baby steps can really build momentum and that you don't have to do it all today! Little victories COUNT for a lot!

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RESILE 12/27/2012 1:29PM

  Just exactly the kind of message I needed. Thank you.

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GALINAZ 12/27/2012 1:06PM

    You are so honest and sharing, thank you for being YOU.

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