Monday, December 24, 2012
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring,not even the fat lady who would be in the fridge sampling the fattening food for tomorrows dinner.
She hung her not so fat stocking by the chimney with care with a bone to pick with St. Nick who would soon be there..
She is in her purple adult- sized bunny suit. The feet are white and it even has ears like a giant bunny. It's warm and snugly,besides who's going to see her in it.
She is pretending to be asleep in her bed,trying to get the visions of Hostess Twinkies out of her head.
In the living room came a grumble and gripe,for Santa has made an appearance this night.
He is not happy with what was left by the tree. There was not a cookie or milk left for he.
By the table was left a rice cake,carrots and tea.
"What is all this crap left for me?" He says with a gripe.
"Well ,well,well look what we have here." The fat lady says as the strolls down the staircase.
" Santa I think we need to talk. You have to weigh at least three hundred or so pounds.You travel to the many houses you will visit this night,eating your fill of milk and cookies. How the heck you are getting that girth down the chimney is beyond me. I am changing my life and I think it is about time someone helped you change yours."
Santa is speechless,well not for long." Young lady, I brought you your favorite gift . It will make you happy and I can be on my way."
He hands the fat lady a gigantic box of Russell Stover chocolate-covered Turtles. He smile his sly grin,knowing he has made her happy.
The fat lady for a moment forgets her mission. She smiles as she reaches for the box. She opens the lid and smells the chocolate and taste the carmel and nuts in her mind,losing herself.She is now transported to a log cabin on a fake fur covered bear skinned rug. Being hand fed chocolates by Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum both shirtless.
She abruptly snaps back to her senses." Oh,no you don't, fat boy." She tosses the box of chocolates back in the knap sack on the floor.
" Look Santa. You represent all the things going wrong in our society today. Yes,you can be fat and healthy,but for some of us it makes us miserable. Have you ever heard the word "jolly" associated with anything that did not mean fat. I am getting myself together and I refuse to let you or anyone else ruin it."
Santa reaches into his coat and pulls out a book. He turns to page 15,232 and finds the fat lady.
" Hmmmm, It seem that I should not even be here. You were on the naughty list for,stuffing a young lady in a trash receptacle on more than one occasion. You used profanity toward your closest friend Reality Check and hurt his feelings.You even stole the last donut from an eight year old at a family function making him cry.So what do you have to say for yourself,Missy?"
The fat lady ponders,puts her hand on her hips and says," It was a Bavarian cream and my favorite. Man was that a good donut. Okay !okay! Skinny Suzi asked for it. Reality Check can be an azz. I was really emotional when I ate the donut. What more do you want me to say?"
Santa stomach starts to grumble as he looks sadly at the rice cakes. He looks at the fuzzy bunny suit the fat lady is wearing nd starts to laugh. It gets louder and tears start to fall from his eyes. He is now holding his belly as it now shakes like a bowl full of jelly.
The fat lady now joins in ,as his laughter is infectious. The both laugh and each snack on the rice cakes.
Santa composes himself," You look ridiculous."
The fat lady stops laughing. Her temper boils. Santa realizes he has said the wrong thing.
Later........ The fat lady is learning to work the magic of the santa suit as she delivers presents all over the world. Santa .....well. You know what happens when you make fun of the fat lady. The trash receptacles in the home are a lot smaller that the ones at a restaurant.....
Merry Christmas to all and to al a good night.