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Survival of the Christmas


Monday, December 24, 2012

Well, a day has passed and I got some last minute shopping done but not for my daughter. I only shopped for my mother and aunt this year. Lets see my daughter is 23 and not once, even when she reached the age of reason did she ever attempt voluntarily to make or buy me a gift. And then despite the direct requests to help out, it still is not happening. I have been venting to my mother but I realize I need some freinds to vent to as well. With two jobs and being somewhat shy, I have not had time to make freinds. It was incredibly hard not to shop for my daughter. I kept seeing things I thought she might like and then I remembered that not once in her life did my daughter ask herself what I might like or what her grandma might like. I entertained the idea of getting her a FLY LADY cleaning book or something but she is not hearing it, no matter how I amp the volume. Besides it might start another fight, something I definately don't need while I am renting. So I am not asking at this point. When Christmas is over and I have secured a therapist/witness and maybe a support group, then
I will resume the requests. If it doesn't get better I will give her three months to find a job or some resources and move out. It's really really hard because she is so salvageable and so hardworking when it comes to school these days. But she can't just treat me like garbage. When Toni was younger she had I.E.P meetings. She had an oppositional defiant label and they never quite ruled out aspergers. Aspergers is a form of high functioning autism that I really suspect she has. As an adult though she is trying so hard to work past stigma and being labeled one more time with one more thing. Commendable but her home life sucks and I can't live with her until she makes some attempts to fix it.

My mom agrees. My mom is 73 years old and she is slipping just a bit cognitively. As a very articulate and well read woman all her life, it hurts me to see her struggle for words. The other day when we were discussing Toni she quoted the serpent toungue line from Shakespeare but misquoted it as being from the bible. Something that never would have happened 7 years ago. And it's so hard to watch your parents lose those skills they worked with all their lives but she is still there. 67% still there. She still drives and she takes care of her sister, my aunt who is in apparent remission from stage four cancer. Those two are not getting along so well either. I thought of getting us four t shirts that say, "Cohabitation is a bitch but I still love you."But then I thought the eggshells we are already walking on may just be a little too tender for jokes just yet. They live together in my aunts house. My mom moved in to take care of her when my aunt got the diagnosis more than a year ago. Her lung tumor actually shrunk with the pinpoint radiation her medical team did on it this past year. She still needs a lot of help though but she is not realizing it. She can't get to the store on her own so she has a hefty list of store errands for my poor mom. I have offered to take on some of those errands but the Independant sisters are not having it. I pretty much will have to develop a habit of stormtrooping in there and demanding they put me to work,

As my aunt got better my mom got worse physically. She has back problems and stomach problems with an ulcer.Her nerves are on edge. I can relate. She is constantly biting her tounge and I gather they argue but I have never witnessed it. My mom says she gets bossed around a lot which is a very hard dynamic for a survivor of domestic abuse. She has gotten herself on a waiting list for assisted living herself just to get out of living with my aunt. I can't wait till she moves myself, because I think it will really make my aunt accept the extra help that she needs to apply for and pay for. Yes she has got enough money to pay someone but she is stubborn and thinks she is "just fine." The fact that my aunt thinks she's fine is a sign of her cognitive decline. With cognitive decline comes denial. I'd say my aunt is operating on 58% cognitively. These demands are something she never would have done so blatently in the past. And in the past she would have known she needed help living alone. I love this aunt dearly but I really love my mom too and it hurts to see her treated like a servant in what should be her home. And my mom feels that for me too. She hurts to see Toni treat me that way. But we will work on being survivors and not victims this year.
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WHEREIS622 12/25/2012 9:15AM

    Thanks Lecates!
I am bracing myself for Christmas day. We will be at home together this a.m. and afternoon. No presents. Just us dealing with us. And later we go to my aunts/moms place to celebrate with the rest of the family. They will probably give her gifts-maybe but were both raised so old school they willI put up with no nonsense. I wish you a very merry Christmas with your family. Here it will just be real. Very real.. Thanks for your support. I will be in touch with you and the team.

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LECATES 12/25/2012 8:22AM

    Good to set boundaries---for both parties---hope your dd gets the help she needs---I worked as a one-on-one education assistant with a boy with Asberger's so I understand some of the dynamics you are going thru---hard on the people they live with but hard to deal with when they don't want to admit to problems. Actually, blogging is probably a good way to get some of this off your chest. And I think if you came on the chat, you would find the others very supportive of things you are going thru---we are all in different stages of this journey----I, too, have a Mom who is slipping in a similar manner to yours, but mine is having major health issues which started over 2 years ago---so a double whammy---the saving grace is that my sister is living with her so not as much worry for me being there every day.
And if you need to , Spark mail me when you need a shoulder to cry or vent on----I don't mind and if it helps you, then all the better. Be strong---not for them---but for yourself.

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