Sunday, December 23, 2012
Ever since the school shootings in Connecticut, I have been deeply depressed. I felt so deeply for those children and the pain of their families. But this was deeper than I ever imagined. Especially when they spoke about the teachers jumping in front of the shooter trying to save the children. I almost felt jealous of them. For being a hero and how brave they were. They were the good ones.
I went and saw my counselor in hope for some help, it was really starting to worry me as dark as I was feeling. I had no idea it was about the school shootings. As I spoke about it, I started bawling. As we spoke together, a new memory came up and just as those little 6 year olds were shot, I was 6 at the time of this memory. I had totally forgot that we had guns in our house and my very sick parents and uncle took one of the guns and so I don't go into gory details, shot my kittie and blamed me. Then my Uncle put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger but there was not a 2nd bullet in the barrel. He had told me that I was not even worth the bullet to shoot me...........
I did not care or was afraid to die but...... it hurt me so deeply that I was not worth even a bullet. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!! this hurts me to the core... how horrible it was for me, the 6 year old me who wanted everything to matter. Even wanting a bullet to kill me instead of living being unwanted and loved. My heart and soul is breaking right now even as I write this. I have been trying to stuff my feelings down ever since this shooting. Trying to stuff myself in order to fill a void in myself of self worth.
Maybe this is the core feeling of my eating problem. Trying to hide the feelings of unworthiness. Even not good enough to die with that bullet. I was a little girl who was bad and still needed to be punished. I really need to take a look at this and how it effects every part of my present life. I have worked so hard on myself and with counseling, I thought that it was at the end. Maybe I am and this was a deeply seeded memory that until now, I could not bear to see.
All these years I have been trying to be good enough, for my family, bosses, friends and everyone in my life. I have the whole time been trying to hide the worthlessness feeling I was feeling inside. The brainwashing that they did to me, not only when I was 6 years old but for the first 18 years of my life.
I need to love me and that little 6 year old inside just as much as I do everyone else. Maybe this is the last part of my healing, the core of my pain inside. All I ever wanted to be is good enough, worthy enough, yes.... even for a bullet.. pretty sad huh!
But what if I was good enough for a bullet? I would be dead and not have all the things and great loving people in my life. If I was good enough for a bullet, I am worth a bullet????? I would have to do just that with the bullet somehow. So I wouldn't be able to win either way huh. They had me trapped. This is sick, they were sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank goodness they are all dead now.
That bullet for me is/was my self worth. To want so much for that bullet to go off and the sound of that click at my head. To end the torture and pain of what they were doing to me every day of my life. This is REALLY deep.
So what is my self worth???? I honestly don't know right now. I need time and to meditate on this. I need LOTS of healing in this area, this pain in my heart and soul.....
Imagine what I can be like when I get through this! Imagine how beautiful and whole I will feel when this gets healed, blessed and done with.
I am crying right now, not sure from what, the pain or what the future holds for me. Mixed feelings.... maybe both... I just know this is BIG... a giant hole in my heart that I have been trying to cover up for the past 50 years.
I bless me..... I bless my little 6 year old inside.....I bless those who hurt me so I am no longer tied to them.
Please Dear Heavenly Father, help me heal this huge pain in my soul..... help me love myself as you love me. Help me to see myself through your eyes instead of the eyes of my parents. Help me forgive them and most of all not blame myself for their own doings. Thank you for showing me this memory and for the opportunity to heal it and grow from it. Thank you for my life and for me to be able to love and show love where they could not. THANK YOU!!!! Amen
Thank you for reading this. I bless each of you and hope this helps you heal a part inside yourself somehow.