Friday, December 21, 2012
I have a hard time with this blog (well, with blogs in general but especially this one).
I know that in a lot of ways, being able to use this space to write out my food and fitness things would be really useful, but I have a very, very hard time writing anyting "public" that isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I have a lot of struggle with some of what I'm trying to change here, but this compulsion to put a positive spin on everything makes it so hard to write sometimes that I just stop.
With that in mind, I'm going to try to use this space again, and I'm going to try to ignore that compulsion. This blog doesn't need to be happy all the time. The changes I'm making are hard work, and sometimes ugly things happen. I need a place to deal with that, so welcome to my less rainbow-y blog. That's not to say there won't be ANY rainbows, just.... only when they're true.
Today, I'm starting off with a description of a pretty ugly night.
I did pretty well with food all day, sampling a couple of the cookies I was baking to make sure they came out right but not going crazy. I tracked them, and was actually right on track for calories until after dinner. Then I went nuts on food. I had a piece of pizza, two slices of bread, some chex mix, and a whole bag of mint patties. There was a distinct feeling of "I don't even want this, but screw it!" which I can't even give an origin to. Maybe it was just feeling crappy and sick all day. Maybe it was something else, but whatever it was, I ate a crazy ton of calories last night after I was already done eating for the day. Looking at it today, I'm a little horrified. There were sio many times when I could have stopped and didn't.
I know I can't dwell on it too much, that I need to look at today and do better and move on, but.... wow. I just need to take a minute and say "Wow, something really messed up happened there, and I can't explain it."