Friday, December 21, 2012
I've often quoted something I first heard on the Dr Phil show, many years ago, that the definition of insantity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. I know he's not the first one to come up with this idea, but it struck me hard the first time I heard him say it.
This has been a particularly hard month for me and my dear hubby. To recap: my car didn't pass state inspection, and my mechanic said it wasn't worth the money it would take to fix. So we are in the process of looking for a newer car with low mileage, and a lower sticker price. My elderly car developed diabetes, and now has to have a special diet and twice-daily insulin shots. Plus, my beloved computer bit the dust 3 weeks ago. (For all of you who may not think this is such a big deal, imagine the electronic device YOU spent 5-8 hours a day with, and go from there. My WHOLE life is in that machine!) And I'm facing a surgergical proceduere early next month.
I've worked hard to keep up the Christmas spirit during this time. Most of the gifts are bought, some are even wrapped. The tree is up and I plug it in every afternoon to give my spirits a lift. I've enjoyed the special events at church every Sunday. And I've even tried NOT to complain about the cold rainy weather we've had most of the month.
Life was even looking up. We found a hopeful car, and put $500 down to hold it. Jack is adjusting well to being shot twice a day, even though we haven't really seen a change yet. (But we haven't adjusted to the estimated $150/month cost yet...) And while my computer is still on the fritz, I try to make do with this laptop, but it's just not the same. But yesterday was a really depressing day. First off, while discussing insurance issues with the collection department of the hospital, I had a huge slap of reality. (My hubby's company was bought out a few months ago, and while we have been assured many time that nothing will change, it's been nothing but a sea of changes.) While we knew at the back of our minds that we will now have to pay 10% of the procedure with his new health insurance, along with the large deductable, it just really sank yesterday. How much will 10% of a major surgery, plus at least 24 hours in a hospital bed cost us? And what if we can't pay? Will they put my uterus back in?
But the last brick in the wall of dispair is that we got a letter in the mail yesterday from the state revenue service, informing us that we owed close to $700, because we underreported our income four years back... And yes, they would like their money by the 17th of next month. I was so upset about this that I accidently took my sleeping pill at 3pm, instead of another medication. So I was fighting nausea and sleepiness all afternoon and evening. And I was eating anything and everything in the house.
It's depressing in itself to realize how quickly I reverted back to old eating habits. Never mind the new 'rules' I've learned since becoming a Sparkling. Never mind that half the time, the food would make me feel sluggish, which is the last thing I needed on top of the sleeping pill. Never mind all the promises I made to myself for good behaviour during The Biggest Loser challenge interim, or the fact that I knew if this mindless eating kept up, I would gain back some of the weight I worked so hard to get off. I just wanted to drown my frustration and depression.
Some good: after fighting it for 4 hours, I finally fell asleep. There weren't a lot of junk food choices, as I buy much less than I used to. (I actually stood at the fridge, with the door open, and asked my hubby why we didn't have anything "good" to eat anymore!) And I got my 10 minutes of exercise in. Tao bo takes a lot of out me, which was probably why I fell asleep so quickly afterwards.
So I woke up this morning, thinking this insanity has got to stop. I can't let these dark days bring me down. I can't continue to eat like a person from a war-torn country who isn't sure where her next meal is coming from. I can't let these huge mountains of worry and dispair continue to go on for the next week or so, ruining Christmas for myself and my family. And can't keep cursing God for letting me fall into this month of challenges, even though HE could easily pull me out of them. What I CAN do is take the rest of this holiday season, this week, this day, one minute at a time. I can tell myself to keep up the good habits I've learned. I can remind myself that I don't have to eat every time I walk through the kitchen. I can be thankful for the things I DO have: a family, a hot shower every morning, a good cup of coffee, a job, enough money to pay my bills, the support of my SP friends, and a bed to sleep in every night. And I CAN do better today than I did yesterday.